Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely DB,

Our beautiful, caring friend. My heart aches for you. You seem so overwhelmed and perhaps even heart broken.

Everything sometimes happens at the same time, doesn’t it? Sighs. Rhetorical...

I know you’re doing it tough and hurting yet trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other. How resilient and determined, you are...

I agree that crying can be important and part of the healing. Sometimes we just need to let out the pain in salt water form. Salt water can be so healing...tears, the ocean...I just had a little cry myself. Didn’t last very long. Now I just feel a little numb. Lol.

Anyway, my love and care to you.

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Peps a friend spoke from heart saying thanks for always being there for her, thats how Rock was/is & you too. I'm soo grateful to you & the girls.

The last 4 yrs have seen happiness but lot of hard times, lot of hurt, getting/got through physical mental hards, like everyone but sure does hit in batches

And RockStar, so glad for our time but/and being in limbo SUX...poor thing cant imagine but it's bad for sure her being away so long😢

Bit (not too bad) shitty tonight with a couple, HATE being like that, rarely am,try so hard not to let it out on others (have, live with guilt) If nothing else I'm not a bach ☺, but made it very clear, spoke calmly but direct eye contact but the dont cross me tone ..."not tonight".. like him a lot, he had me in more tears in heavy grieving & let his rot on me at poker when use to go & couple others, got on great with everyone else, even they like me pffttt, was still heavy grieving & BP on top, unbelievable. Fought back but controlled, They don't know my temper but did hard talk few times controlled.Lucky them💣😲😨😤

Sigh the robot wasnt set up as id asked then wasnt working. Bout 30 mins to realise young fella didnt put connection in, yay,wasnt angry with him.

Another irritates me at times but let it pass, but gave a bit to him back too, try to be tolerant of people but cheered up, all good no prolonged grief, we all get along as long as some shut it lol, apologised to him but said it sometimes comes across derogatory

Going to bed soon.

Just friggen over this but getting there which great BUT!!!!!

Not exactly bad mood as such, dont really have them more bad headspace intermittently.

Thx listening being there

Mine will pass not a friggen second too soon either lol

It's you Starts & Grandy Im worried about, esp you, you're sliding Peps.

Maths you know I rate you highly too, seen you're strength though know you're doing it hard too.

Nigh nite, may not be here too much but will bit esp other thread & be listening when can, big month ahead

Always close by for you girls

Xxxx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB,

Thank you, and back at you. I, along with so many others, are grateful for you too. You still find it within yourself to reach out to friends when you’re struggling; you’re a beautiful person. Thanks for caring...

It seems like the couple really tested your patience last night. To your credit, I’m glad you kept your cool and managed to keep a level head despite the anger. It must have been hard so well done...

I think a lot of things were getting to you last night. What a rough night...I guess with the way people were acting, BP cycle, etc that it all got a bit much.

Thanks for the heads up. It’s appreciated. I guess only do what you can with the posting 🙂 December sounds like a hectic month for you.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thanks Peps 🙂

Read this before meant to do a thumbs up although we don't know who does it I usually do.

bbl hun

[demonblaster]

BP day 36

Haggard but mostly been holding very well. Cracks started bit at tt last night, day was rough, EVERYTHING I tried to do, either going wrong/not working, most was head space & poor concentration.Pushing through got jobbies done, 20 times longer.Frustrating but learning more how to deal with max stress. Usually can. Lot of practice with excruciating back pain over yrs & recent neck & mental pain

Distraction happened, went back to what I couldn't do & it worked

Usually mania about a week or bit more, good but not great & mixed episodes pffttt partly self inflicted contributing for way longer recovery, usually up to 2-4 wks. Nearly 5 now, probs be closer to 6

Yesterday & tt bad day, pulled up later.Don't usually let it get on top but the one's I had a word with did deserve though on good terms with. Pffftt. Don't like being like that apologised & talked where needed.

Migraine family headaches last about 2/3 days on average seem to be common in BP? when sleep does happen heads in awkward position? being comatosed not moving much
Will ask pain specialist in new year if coming from neck. MRI confirmed a brain & no tumours

lol 3rd MRI for neck/back today,neck one there's a mirror so you can see them thought nah closed my eyes, bloke said I was one of the best they've had most people struggle with not moving head or swallowing, I replied probably cause I was asleep most of the time :D. Rarely fall asleep unless consciously doing so apart from bed, usually wake almost instantly, this was like coming outta anesthesia, took about 15 minutes, by the time I got to friend was nearly awake

Longer recovery tho consistent with coming down

Probs be ok by now, pushed boundaries tho consistent with mania.
Soo much to try and get a grip on HAVE TO can't not work through it, otherwise it'll take me too, way tooo much tooo often, manias under control mostly tho more work needed, it's the downs, too stuffin deep. This one easier, self talk & strategies. LOT of people contact may have helped. One before not as much and got through so hopeful next one works too.
Time'll tell. Perseverance

[Mathy]

Doing really well DB - keep it up.

Reading your post, I thought of how elite sports people train - pushing the boundaries, but carefully. That’s what you’re doing, but with your mind (and probably your body too).

Don’t know how much you’re into sport, but I’m always in awe of elite athletes. They train on the edge all the time - just one small stumble away from a disaster - that being they get injured/sick.

What you’re doing is very similar, hats off to you lovely, bestest, cheers M 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello DB,

I admire your strength and perseverance....

GG.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all,

I liked how Mathy compared your disciplined approach to elite athletes. A good comparison and very fitting in many ways.

It looks like you’re working very hard to manage the mania. I have no idea what mania is like personally but it’s great that you’re strategies are helping you.

The back/neck pain sounds horrendous. I hope they get to the bottom of it with the MRI and find ways to help relieve some of that pain. I find it impressive that you still lead such an active social life, volunteer, etc despite the physical pain.

Yesterday sounds like it tested you with multiple challenges. Rough day indeed. It must be so frustrating on those days but your determination to get through them is commendable 🙂

love and admiration,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thankyou all of you. Not sure when but hope to get back to reply

Read & really do aporeciate all of your support

[demonblaster]

BP day 37

Will be ok but having some more hell moments moreso than overall down. Pulled out jesus its heavy. Scared of going back there which is helping but its trying

Like a strong wave goes down from head with untold pain at least these last 2 cycles ive got it not staying. Have things to do, a needed distraction. Dangerous alone quiet time

Just remembered to not acknowledge how its making me feel couldnt think of some of coping techniques just then but did use some. Must write them down

At least thinking is bit easier today, not when going down

Everytime in cycles looking after myself like appointments, buses, phone calls,forget to eat but do later 5 secs away from not being able to. Mammoth pushing through the thick heavy ?..denseness, hard to explain, in the heads nearly impossible. Get stuff done but only just. Takes so much effort & time. God its so bloody hard. Talking clearly remembering, listening you feel like a fool but mostly use to that now.

Rearranged plans to get tonne of sleep today,went back bed a.m drifting off sounded like jackhammer in room, they were doing something to verandah railing not for long ignored drifted off again heard bloke talking to his work mate got fright, thought he was talking to me, kinda went into dream got up, got couple hrs sarvo.Looking forward to finally catching up & be stuffin normal again.

Went deep enough to start thinking wrong thoughts but need to not even think of going there.

Looked around (SW-ROCK 💖) helped & thought about good things ahead & I guess mainly that I can't do this anymore (mutt pain) realised I was going with the beast so they helped.

Headache coming back..brat, means more sleepy pills yeah really need to be more tired but either that or more later & longer to get rid of from experience

I can't describe properly the pain & other crap that goes on. Few reasons think not sure (in other thread said have by mistake meant to say think i have other stuff going on too) or they dont which i know anyway explain enough in varied BP research. They kinda skim over basics.

HAVE to keep at this