Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Ohhh Solar, so so sorry I only just saw this post, page 2. I'm looking for something here and if I saw it I'd reply, hate ignoring people esp when they're giving their time and esp lovely support 🙂

Yeah isn't it awful waking up to a cloud of down, I have that when I'm really low too, nothing refreshing about those sleeps, haha re the touch of anxiety for extra fun 😄 gave a good giggle that one, gotta keep the sense of humor happening, a dear elderly lady once said that when I was nursing and held it, so true, great stress release laughing too

Your loving dog sounds like great therapy which so often is the case for people, unconditional love Gold aye and yeah definately walking is very stimulating and out amongst it and around people or nature that's pretty hard to beat on Earth, what a beautiful planet we scored

Yeah I've seen dogs and their doggedness lol if I've got the right word lol telling who really is boss when it's time for an outing

Take good Care Solar, I've thought about you quite often, hoping your life's still behaving, sooo happy for you

later lovely tc

[demonblaster]

Surviving

One of the amazing things that goes on in BP well does for me anyway, it's like a light turns on in your mind it opens up to so much thought and lateral thinking. I've had a couple of PINGS ... ya know when ya have revelations, quite a buzz they are

So today waiting for bus I was sitting on a letterbox, (thinking about that from the funny side, most letter boxes are fairly small and don't look sitable lol, but nah it's a biggy, nees to be lol) anyway back to point realised I was similtaneously moving feet back & forth as we do when they're hanging and moving the bus fare coins in my hand which made me think we ALL the time are doing things, looking, reading, eating, drinking, moving, talking etc, the brain NEVER stops. So our brains r creating thoughts. If suffering depression or stress if we're not doing much as we know it's alone times that tend to be worse with depression or in quiet times tho we also do need to think to work through it all which people here have and I agree said better probs to work through in the better times and just get through the bad parts.

So point is the penny dropped why it's good to be busy, I've said it myself to many here but not fully understood till today how to push through what I've had majority of my life which I thought was laziness which yeah but prefer lol a psych saying sounds more like lack of volition, exactly how it is until the mania then it's all happening, doing stuff. Over time I've got a lot of control damn it lol over the highs that EVERYONE wants these trust me. ECSTACY

So I'm gunna do and talking to a good friend today suggested eg for continuing this art I do that I believe I can succeed with but rare that I get stuck into it but only in mania over several yrs so about 3/4's through finsihing. sounds bit contradicting but how it is. She suggested each day just put an hr in and I said & I'll probably do more and enjoy it more, it's not a passion but there's definately talent no big head
Also going to implement coming here more regularly, already walking, & couple other things. This'll be mammoth if I can follow through

Said before & think I'm onto something, in mania what goes on is what people that achieve do, work at stuff, get things done.Thinking it could maybe settle the cycles down cause apparently this brain wants to do that stuff but there's a block, lack of volition. I'll update sometime. HAVE to work hard at that push through the wall

Thanks for listening 🙂

[Starwolf]

Hi DB,

Good to see you navigating the forums and spreading the love around. Also relieved to read your health is on the improve. You've been copping a hard time.

Ah yeah, those light bulb moments...mine tend to be followed by "why on earth didn't I see this before ?". I agree that doing is a necessary part of being human. That's why we come equipped with bodies, isn't it ?

Though I have learned over the years to counterbalance doing with non doing, just being. Which is nurturing the spiritual side. A lot more difficult to achieve (via mindfulness and meditation). Finally being able to cancel thoughts, even for short periods of time, came to me as huge relief. A warrior's resting space.

I believe art nurtures mind, body and soul and helps coordinate all 3. It is good to see you setting goals.

Getting a move on is not easy if there's physical pain. For this you have my respect and admiration. Talking of getting a move on, I must go. There are things to do around the place that I have been looking at for days...and quickly looked away again. Can't get away with avoidance forever...

Always good chatting with you.

[startingnew]

Hi DB
well.. um that wasnt the reaction I was expecting nor have I heard that said before lol. Where the heck did you come up with that one!
My car had the mirror knocked off thrown around abit and 2 tyres blown with some scratches. Me a bad case of whiplash and concussion so was in hospital overnight with that then sent home with storng pain relief for the migraines and many gp visits because of the pain. Having the whiplash made the arthritis and the disk issue worse for me too. So not good. Its been uh just over a month or so now and I had to drive the day after I was released from hospital. I have Borderline personality disorder easier to jsu say PD sometimes as BPD can be confused for bipolar as well.
Dissociation is quite a common thing for me.
Yes I think the only good thing about MH is that we can learn from it, build resilience and then be able to help others get through it too.
Good grief that doesnt sound great. I hope thats not for a while yet. Give a new meaning to a rod up your back side now doesnt it!




Im the same as Star my 'pings' are often why didnt I think of that earlier! Or those ah huh moments!.
Ahh another art girl here. Love art. One of the things that keep me sane im telling ya.
Good on you for being so proactive in your physical and emotional health. Both of which are inportant as they both exacerbate each other.


Yes gettingt hrough that wall is hard but we will be here for you every step of the way
sending lots of hugs
xoxox

[demonblaster]

Hey RockStar (is that ok changing your name? cause I'll NEVER forget you & the wisdom & ongoing support you give and as you know that's the Rock part, I'm eternally grateful to you and without attitude there's very few people I have respect for (like love many and qualities of others but respect nah not for many but you are one xx I'm deeply moved that you said above about respect and admiration.Was gunna say touched instead of moved but we know that lol. Thankyou

Yeah bit tricky atm with back for walking, I'm trying so hard not to get hooked to the pain heavies but at this stage with the out if I'm gunna walk reluctantly taking them before & today no help but as someone wisely suggested make them shorter walks & it was. I'm terrified of not walking now & losing core strength hence bad outs that are 10 on the scale, this is ranging from 5/7. During had one dose of 10, takes an age of agony to move a few metres but settled quickly with meds and rest in seat phew. In the bads the pains as intense non stop so absolutely definately making a massive positive dif.
Looks like but hoping not the case I'll suss in a couple of days the arm excercises I've been doing may be exacerbating disc bulge in neck, it's backing off awesome so I'll do em tomoz (haven't for bout 2 days) & see, be mighty hacked off if it is the case, cause that apparently can help with strengthening neck and overall fitness.

How do you cancel the crap thoughts Rock?

Yes agree with the "just being" time too. Current exlent psych said once take time out without any distractions, tv, music etc, and it's amazing, must add that to list. Getting excited even just planning it.It'll take a bit of organising which to do daily others how often each wk, time allocated, allowing for spontaneous times etc
First time maybe in my life feeling positive that I'm going to get stuff done,completed & quicker.
I started up &organise table tennis (tt) where I live and it's slow cause until soon (list) action only happens in mania. Made my mind up to follow through on this, in BP the ideas flow but easy not to follow thru, but also have found in mania make up my mind on things too. So many plus's with it.

Sounds right re art, I don't actually love doing it but don't dislike either. Is neat tho creating something nice.

Meaning to ask, how's health and new job going?

Be well RockStar (( xx ))

[demonblaster]

Hey Starting lol yeah I replaced sh.. with whoop haha the rebel in me has to find ways to still swear, no lady here I'm afraid 😄

Lol rod up the backside, talking of, darling late partner also had Cancer twice in bottom lip and when not if it came back he'd have to have skin from the butt, you can hear the jokes now aye, kiss my Ar.. lmao (pun intended)

Ahh so your an arty one aye, do you do art or appreciate it. I don't love doing it but nice to create, Calligraphy's my love but even that only intermittently probs in mania too at times but certainly don't dislike and as Star said nourishing for mind body and soul. I think I'll start when doing it daily to enjoy it a lot more and recently lost a younger friend (43yrs) was doing a card for her through heavy BP depression that I couldn't shake but pushed through at times was feeling pressured to get it done cause knew as it did would take longer to get it circulated to bus goers (where we met, love public transporting, around people, new friends, convo or not still good, & became good friends with one of the drivers) & during it several times I felt the calmness and distraction, kinda concentrating, mine's apparently similar to tribal art, designs, a lot of curvy lines so definately will be instrumental for m.health.

Yeah here yaz about the ping factor aye 😄

Poor thing and aggravating neck nasty stuff, did they give you a collar?
Migraines are wicked, I get them too but not tho I have once vomiting or hypersensitive to light and noise, so bad but not the worst although early days I'd wake up pounding head like a jackhammer, felt like blood pressure thru roof and that I'd stroke out, thank god that subsided. Poor people that suffer that level.

In your thread or would you like to or here tell me about PD, (yes would be easy to mix with BP) I'm interested in learning other MI. I think all issues people have should be openly spoken about (aware many aren't comfy to) for understanding hopefully tolerance and support. Understand if not 🙂

You asked if I have any threads, thanks btw for coming by 🙂 have another D&M only one person talked for a bit there but no one else yet. But I'll keep dropping in, like bit of depth amongst other chat

bb-social-zone/d-m-(deep-meaningful)-

Many thanks for your support hun, really appreciated xx

you get yourself better

[demonblaster]

Thx mods, soz for extra work putting link up.

How do I put it up like you did plz? thx or do I just type it manually?

[Just Sara]

Hey DB;

It's late and I need to sleep, but I wanted to talk with you first.

You've been doing a mighty job on here tonight/this morning, so great work! People benefit from your support so what would we do without you?

There's one thing you posted a little while ago I'd like to comment on and thought it best to do it here instead of on that thread. You wrote about same sex sexuality as a 'choice'. This isn't the case I'm afraid. It's out of our hands who we fall for and what our biology tells us.

Please don't feel I'm criticising you as I'm not. I just wanted to address 'choice' with you as I'm sure you didn't mean any harm by it ok.

I won't go on. An open discussion would be great if you're up to it at some stage hun. I respect and welcome your input.

Sleep well; I'm going to try again...

Sez xoxo

[demonblaster]

Jeez we're linked in chooky I was on fb for a while and just came back here cause have felt guilty I haven't been on your thread for yonks tho I'm recently back here and planning to stick around more often and thought literally just as I came back I'll go into Sez's thread and say hi and give you some lurvvvv 😄 & here you are, ta da....synced

No offense sweety thanks for speaking so respectfully, I think most things can be said to people if in a respectful way aye. But I didn't at all feel you were having a go xx
Yes I definately agree majorly with what you're saying but know some people that through childhood abuse from opposite gender have chosen gay, (imo that is but when I remember which often have forgotten to ask I will cause we're on good terms and they know where I'm coming from, no judgement) so I'll keep in mind what you said no grief here but probs will still go with choice but you are right on biological

Thanks sweet for what you said about my posting, very appreciated as you are too by many (me included greatly) xx

Cya in a tic on your thread darlin 🙂

[startingnew]

Hey DB
I have to find something to replace the sh. The urges become unbearable and actually case me pain .

oh goodness! I can imagine the jokes. Poor fello.


I appreciate and do art. Music, poetry and paintings are the things im drawn to the most. Music- never have my earphones out, I often write poems if I cant think of words to say and I draw as well as just starting to paint. I think these three 'arts' often portray what the words cant or what the mind cant understand but makes sense in these modes.
Ahh my art 'style' is graphic so can do calligraphy quite well.
Yes your right art nourishes and also cleanes the mind body and soul, a form of escape. We all need an escape of some sort.


I had all sorts going on that day and its not the first time I wasnt sure about what was going to happen as when I had my horse riding accident I had no feeling anywhere because I went into that much shock. Ive relaised and spoken about it to my psych about my body respsonses. I freeze, I dont fight or flight. My instincts are to freeze which really doesnt help me. It doesn tmatter the situation I freeze which is why with the accident I couldnt feel anything.
Im glad you dont suffer migraines, they are truly dreadful, I dont get them muhc I tend to get the tension headcaches which are just as hard to shift.
The jackhammer, hypersensitivity, and nausea are sounding very familiar.


So ive just abbreviated the PD for personality disorder as heaps of people were calling bipolar BPD which is more used for borderline personality disorder. You want to know more about BPD?

ill take a look at your other thread and see if I can contribute anything. Im not sure if I can in this state. Im having trouble keeping up with a lot of threads atm.


Your support to me is greatly appreciated too. Thats what we do here at BB