Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Mathy]

Hang in there babe, you’re fighting the good fight, look after yourself,

big massive hugs, sleep well, rest and recuperate, cheers M xx

[demonblaster]

Thx Maths, yeah gunna get some more sleep today for a while then got lot of happenings over next month ish

How are you going? Do wonder xx

[demonblaster]

BP day 38

longer, usually within 3/4 wks, partly my fault not going to bed & the other mind that wants us to go against logic. Also as mentioned part of mania. Major to pull back.

On waking this morning after last night beating the beasts downs, thought do I wanna do this anymore.It's such incredibly hard bloody work, so damned powerful but then first post I looked at here was Grandy's who's in the hole where my head was taking me, only difference is I managed to pull out, haven't been able to in the past.

So thought she's and other beautiful people here in this or similar all the time, at least mine passes eventually, doesn't make it easier because there's not usually a half way, it's extreme &very deep, last night & this morning had me thinking wrong thoughts & that's with my resolve to get through.

So going to Grandy's changed them. Life throws goods too. If I hadn't seen that not sure think I would have done some hard talk & got out but even the fact they're still there isn't good but I'm ok no plans. I'd be going against "mission" (Maths) here to help people too and try and get this bs.

Want to go more into other stuff that goes on, for release and often with writing can come realisations or epiphanies but hard too cause releasing more vulnerabilities, considered doing it today but not strong enough again yet and nearly started to cry again which is ok but need to avoid going down, fragile throughout entire cycle.

If I can pull through this without much more down attempts from the head which it's having a good shot at now then I"ll say another win overall, but won't realistically know until the next few more cycles.
Most people Psychiatrist said have 1-2 every 1-2 yrs, I'm having majors 8/10 a year but this being longer dunno what's ahead they often come at a steady pace, wondering if he got the maths right tho or that he's going by different ? word arghhh. Way more than a rapid cycler tho, each one's like recovering from a train running over you, going through mania tho magic, like a tornado in your head, trying to hold onto sanity's not an easy task during these but mostly I'm rational fortunately so in cycles still have that.

Not wanting to leave just have to learn to not allow beast rubbish thoughts

[Ggrand]

Hello DB,

I know you said not to come here, but..I want to, helps me by helping others, gets my mind away from me.

just one thing I want to say.

The mind is the most powerful part of our make up. It can take us down (trying to suck us in you,me,others. nearly succeeded with me, I'd say I was maybe mere minutes away from no return.

our mind can also lift us up, hard yeah DB, but harder to stay down. You told me this a while back, "I'm listening", and I'm trusting you. The road/path/ to go back up, wow it's an incredibly steep, high, hard mountain. Rocky as hell.

I will take the hard road up just a step at a time, maybe 3 steps up then 2 steps backwards, but I will do it, might take me a while this time. I'm exhausted as I can hear you are🦋🌈

Do you know why? DB, Do you know why I'm talking the turn at my crossroads up.? "Up being towards some normality, maybe a bit of peace as well, down being hell. Well it's because of you, my dear lady. (and others). You give me strength to find hope..I hope that I can give you some of mine. ( my supply is depleating, but while I have even 1% of strength left, I have 1% of hope and that 1% of hope is huge, it's , well, it's a seed, if we nourish it with better thought it will continue to grow. ).. no one and I mean no one has ever cared about me, ever, I'm finding this hard to accept that people do care about me. Who am I anyway?

I just had to talk to you, these words are what I'm saying to myself now, out loud to try to lift my soul just a little.

Thanks for listening and thank you for being you.

kindness only,

GG.

[demonblaster]

You move me Grandy ((( souls )))

In the hell hole you're in & you give to others like you do & you wonder why we love and care so much about you. ONE of my missions with you PEPS & STARTS is to help you see why you all should like yourselves. Beasty & mongrels in life knock us down but it's your friends, real ones like here that speak the truth, not them.

Something I've been forgetting to but meaning to say to you all, I think I've heard you all say you do read back, might not work for you now with so little energy but later when you pick up what about reading back your own posts I guess in a sorta mindfulness way think if you're someone else reading it what would you like about what & how they are. Apart from what we're telling you & how many care so much about you will help you see just how truly worthy you are. You're biggest strength is in you've come out of all your rot still a beautiful person, you could've been sour, nasty, vindictive, yuk, but nooo way, opposite.

Thankyou G yeah I remember saying that, love that you do, touches me & what you've said

Feeling better now, walked, (haven't done biggly one's get too knocked up with cycle but have done some) finished pressing jobby, thinking bit clearer and mood not attacking too much.

Had argument with sorta friend at his shop today, which I understand if readers think yeah she was in a foul other day but wasn't the case, that's rare, if I can see where I was wrong straight away admit it but did the right thing by the bloke and he went off and wouldn't friggen LISTEN to what I was trying to tell him, wasn't gunna take that so we did it in two sections lol and think finally I got through to him and boomer didn't go off as such or swear one word, stuck to the right points tho was angry with him. He approached and said sorry and we hugged, glad it didn't end bad, as I said and think this got through he was letting his stress out on me in anger, no no no chum, won't take & don't deserve crap. I spoke with respect he didn't. If I was not dead tired would have had the same argument to his reaction. He's a good bloke & we/I have been very good customers, he even threatened to not cook again for me, put him straight on a few needed things but yeah we're ok.

Hun I think you might now have your reason to go on, not letting them take you further.

Loved hearing your steel xxx

[demonblaster]

BP 39

Bad start yesterday picked up through day

Usually need days wks non stop day night sleeping to recover, circumstances, commitments involving being around people which usually pull up around cant be avoided, woke up today average just need hundred (exaggerated but would do) more hrs & be ok, not happening, went right down this morning with someones stress, it affects people around them, wasn't there fault, they've got health issues too spoke gently carefully no agro but damage done to me not them, been in past lot of pain & rejection from them love there but cant forget. Had LOT rejection in life but do have lot love/like too, helps with liking yourself, getting there long way to go, too long

Crying quietly.

Had couple sorta sleepers, hard sleeping elsewhere got bit bugger all last night.

I know when few more decent sleeps happen be good again

Feel like theres so much work to be done, havent gone into much with psych been mainly talking bout BP & being used & wrecking my bloody life dont see her often

If I was religious i'd say the devils in me but not in bad way as in being a cow to others. Just been at me lifetime. Its soo deep, not as bad this & last am making progress but pains so ....intense

Again had fleeting thoughts but cant do it to so many that itd hurt & because of late partner & sister who gave everything they had. Also wanna beat the bastard its had/having me all life & so much more often since partner passed. While with him in hell holes suffered it but didnt have thoughts.before yes & after

Been holding up mostly well but how long do ya have to & how beeping often

I'll be ok just HAVE to get this sooner than later & making amazing progress but of course it doesnt give up easily. Ive come so far with self hate-ish wear heart on sleeve, the smallest things stab can never forget HATE being so damned SENSITIVE. Not painting good picture of myself, really have come long way & not long ago couldnt say this, I'm likeable/lovable but theres always dorks somewhere around being talker & extrovert you open personality up & dahhh just feeling pretty friggen shit atm.

Better than usual just need ton more sleep this is better than normal but soo over this shit.

Lot ghosts where I am atm (partner) but moreso mood (low not cranky)

Listening mostly atm here may occasionally post dunno when back

[Ggrand]

Hello DB,

{{really huge soul hugs hun}}.

Hold hands with me and we can do this together, to hard on our own.

I can feel your anguish and pain so easily, so very sorry you are soo doing it hard. So wished I could help you, wished I could be there with you, so you don't have to do it alone.. You can beat him, I know you can.

It takes strength and courage. Yes courage because so easy just to go with [it]. Hard as hell staying with beast, and even harder hell going against [it]. Fight DB, you are strong.

Take all the time you need to get well, Don't cut corners please. Look after you. you are such a kind,compassionate,gentle, person. The beast feeds on these good qualities, I'm sure of it. Hardly you see or hear of a narcissist being trapped by the beast. So darn unfair.

Sorry I just can't talk any more, but just remember I love you and others, heaps of others care deeply for you, and love you as well.

kindness only.

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Oh yeah, I meant to say, let me know if I'm intruding or annoying you......"just a feeling I have", Ugh, my thoughts are all screwed up.

GG.

[demonblaster]

Grandy thankyou sweety lady yeah lets do this together

I love you too & hate where you are, mine at least passes. Atm i too cant talk too much emotion in public place, probs start crying again

t

Thank god MI support worker GOLD rang back straight away hid from most family talked vented cried my heart out to him, ended up needing more sleepers checked with chemist & doc but probs not advisable so many but desparate

Just found out recent unbearable ruptured disc in neck (3 times,3rd less but rough needing heavies pain relief) my GP's booked me to see asap neurosurgeon, YIKES, they triage (prioritise) gold coast, big triggers Late partner 7 mths chemo, not stressing BUT clearly they're seeing stuff in CT & MRI that's urgent very early Jan couldnt put it off till later, saw pain specialist recently said too risky ? Death,paralysis,stroke if they nick certain part amongst other possibilities

if the pain was like 1st time a mth or 2nd bit less but friggen rough too know nerve was hugely affected id run for scalpel 3rd time rough but could hold off for while pain relief

gtg

[Peppermintbach]

Hello beautiful DB (with a wave to GG, Butterfly Wings, Mathy and all);

Most importantly, I want to give you a big, squishy and overly affectionate soul hug.

A mega soul hug...the first of its kind (lol).

Your emotions and cycles must deplete so much of your inner resources yet you are so intent on overcoming it. Talk about inner “steel.”

I am glad GG has been giving you a gentle hand and ear with your struggles. So many of us can empathise with the lure of the siren call; I’m relieved they were fleeting but it’s still worrying that you’re having those thoughts.

I wonder how you would feel about having various helpline numbers saved on speed dial on your phone (if you haven’t already)...just in case. That way, if you ever feel like acting on any thoughts, those numbers would be easily accessible to you.

The ruptured neck disc sounds excrutiating. I cringe just imagining how painful it must be for you...as Butterfly Wings said elsewhere, physical and psychological pain are often intertwined. I feel she has a point...it must be so difficult for you...

Like GG and others, I think you’re caring, loyal, resilient and deeply passionate and compassionate.

Please keep holding on...

Gentle and easy does it...

Many hands are reaching out for yours and many shoulders are offering you a place to shed your tears on...

(More) mega soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo