Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi nameless , no changes unfortunately , just taking each day as it comes , I want to see him but also scared of the state of him , he thinks we can't tell when he's high ? but I can just hear him talk and know he's high .

My younger son got back from year 12 leavers week last week, I missed him so much , and when he got home I looked at him and thought he is grown up ....he is doing so well and is going to UNI next year, so I'm glad his older brother's behaviour has not interfered with his life plans. But they also are very alike in behaviour and sound the same , makes me miss my older son , I don't say that to my younger son as I don't want him to think any time he laughs ...it makes me sad . Those thoughts I keep to myself.

Take care

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July,

I am glad about your younger son and hope all goes well for him. Maybe he sees what can happen and can avoid that path.
A week along, my son is more settled now. Prison is a two egged sword . The environment is hard, but if they keep busy and careful what they say and do, work and keep fit and busy with making and doing stuff they survive better and it actually brings out a lot of good things in them too…structure routines snd discipline aren’t a bad thing was so destructive . He has a new understanding of what anger leads to after hearing others stories and why they are in prison and I think that was a wake of call of where he was heading to. He heard their regrets about wasting their life . He found respectful behaviour was important and did did work…better use of facilities and better treatment by staff and treatment by others .. he had lost that in his dark times I hope now it is not just behaviour for parole, it seems genuine and he seems to be making an effort .
For now he is settling back into a new routine. He is enjoying cooking the things he leant when he shared a cottage for a few months. The meals are incredible… roasts, desserts, lunches., I am the kitchen hand learning new recipes and skills and some bonding time. He said prison was boring so tried to keep busy and cooked a lot .. even in remand with stuff from the canteen , but especially in the last area after he was sentenced where they had a budget to order food and could combine it and do a group shop. He bought stuff from the art room to make things snd did a course.
. I think being there forced to rethink a lot of things and I hope the stresses to come in getting a job and dealing with hard things doesn’t upset things. ,

He seems to be so much more mature and very different now and clearer in his attitudes and problem solving skills now he is not using anything. He said he didn’t realise how bad he was on it and would never go back. I really hope so. He talks a lot about prison life though he only touches a bit on the really hard stuff of the first few months.
I still worry what I say and do with memories of how he reacted to things before his arrest, but he is very different thankfully so far.

New schedules now of meetings with parole officers and urine tests, ASCO etc . I am glad I took a break from work so my husband and I could have time to adjust with him without other pressures of time .
Thinking of you with hope for your son

nameless1

[JoeDee]

I visited my son back end of last month he was well and a lot more alert.

Roll on till this morning. He gave me a hard time on the phone as he didn't receive any money from me. He threatened with taking my number off the call list. Swore and abused me. Up until now he had a $250 payment and another $150 but the recent payment did not happen.

It's that enabling behaviour again. The abuse, the hurt and pain. Said nasty things. I was thinking this would be a time when he could make a change, feel remorse, turn his life around and be a better person that i know he is and can be. Said his friend who had also spent some time locked up and is trouble cares more.

I've gotten to the point where I realise I'm simply an ATM. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't want anymore to do with him now. When he comes out whenever that will be it's going to be a nightmare. I gave 10 years of my life raising the kids by myself. Now I'm thinking of moving on, having a relationship and starting a new life. His imprisonment has given me an opportunity. I've been feeling depressed all day. My other younger ones I am struggling with as well. Daughter has a bf but uses the home as a Motel. Does not come home only to pick up clothes. Doesn't contribute at all. Youngest son is disrespectful, i can see that slide. Not sure where to go from here really.

On another note, my son has a few payments coming out of his account. How do I stop them? Things like his phone for example. Do I just let it lapse? I've been topping up his account but that's not a viable long term solution.

[Nameless1]

Hi JoeDee

I found that while in remand they are very unsettled and you could have a good call then a bad one depending on what has been happening. My son said people coming and going to court hearings and the waiting for your turn and then adjournment makes people restless. Learning the things to say and not say and the routines and fitting in, coping . We had calls about why he didn’t receive socks and undies … and he hadn’t asked, and complained about the tshirts.
With the money, if you send too much it won’t go through and they will send an email or you can see on website it’s been rejected or you can ring jail and check. His amount was 140 and then up to 50 for calls, but if they don’t use the phone money up then they only need 140 and the balance of what is in the phone account. He might have to fill in a form to access the phone money in some prisons . He can check what is left for the month and tell you. He will be angry because they rely on that to buy extra things from the canteen like extra food and drinks and extra items beyond basic for personal hygiene, or magazines. Etc. Our son brought the list home . It was only once a week where he was.

Abuse , hurt, pain anger… it’s hard to explain to other people how upsetting it is.
He will change and he will learn that the can’t be angry and disrespectful as it isn’t acceptable there by staff and other inmates. He will learn you have more freedom snd better treatment if you have better behaviour especially in calls. They record them and a prisoner can have consequences for any abusive calls. Remind him they listen to his calls snd a report based on his behaviour will be sent to court with him .

We had the same problem with money coming out to but our don rang so rarely it was often hard to talk to that we didn’t bring it up.
We topped it up too then it stopped. Apparently they can sign a form to give you so you can access the bank account snd check…that’s if he wants you too . We didn’t get a chance to set anything up as he was arrested and no bail , and we found out info too late anyway. Hard with no visiting to talk face to face. I would try and ask him about the money. Look up corrections about what happens when they go to prison to see about getting permission. Check also whether he has outstanding fines for the car.
Most stuff no one tells parents and you often don’t feel like digging for information as you are so upset and overwhelmed.

happy to help ,

nameless1

[JoeDee]

Thanks for the reply. Very informative and helpful. Well thinking about it deeper I've stopped crying as I realise my son doesn't care for anything or anyone's feelings. He is selfish, and the only care he has is about money at any cost.

His number one support he trashed in favour of a friend/s that landed him in prison albeit for his own actions. Very silly and childish. A smart, intelligent good looking kid that chose the wrong path is paying the price. Let's not beat around the bush, he put me through hell. My other kids do as well, yet I've endured the pain, suffering physically, emotionally and financially. Religion plays no part in their lives but it does in mine. I just wonder how my kids can be so far removed from who I am, my background, family values and beliefs. I am divorced, and since then have dedicated my life to the kids for no reward. I consider myself a failure although i hold down a decent job and have only demonstrated good behaviour.

Now i need to find a way to get some sort of normality into my life. My son brought not one but two dogs into the house. They aren't suited and I'm not a dog person at all yet i care for them well. They are his dogs, he will be in for a while so what do i do? How do i get them out? I can't even figure that out.

Anyway, thanks for the replies and apologies for hijacking this thread.

[July]

Hello everyone , Reading all the stories ...well it takes me back to all the memories I have felt many many times ! I wish I had the answers to heal your heart and ease your mind , but my story to... is full of ups and downs throughout the years of my son's 2 incarcerations. I can say that this is no easy ride and each day will bring up new challenges, good and bad. There are many times I just wanted to run away from it all ...no doubt , the anger , resentment and disappointment I feel about his behaviour is not going to change him unfortunately, so we have to find a way of dealing with it as best we can. We are also entitled to have a happy life despite their reckless behaviour and poor choices , the mum guilt is always there.... I have learned to try and tuck it away so it doesn't destroy me along the way. Sometimes easier said than done , it just makes me sad to see others going through this , I know that deep seated pain seeing your child behave so badly , I said to my son a few times "don't bite the hand that feeds you ", I try to give him encouragement but also to respect me ... I am a person with feelings to and it's not just about him. He always says to me "oh mum you always cry " yes.... because my child is in an addiction I can't control and its hurting him and ruining his life. It breaks my heart to watch him. Christmas coming up , it just reminds me of our dysfunctional family and the intense sadness ....while everyone else plays happy families . I have to put on that happy mask once again for another day ...,it's draining . I am picking up an extra shift at work in the emergency department on xmas afternoon just to keep busy and take my mind off things. At least keeping busy makes the day go quick . My thoughts are with you all during this holiday season , lets pray a miracle happens for all our kids and they will find peace .

Take care

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July and JoeDee.
Thanks July. Wise words.

I wish you all the best for this time of the year. I hope we can all focus on the true meaning of Christmas. … love, grace, forgiveness, hope, peace.
I hate the falseness of this season as advertised on tv. I understand what you say about masks July . The last few christmases were filled with hurt and anger and shouting as our son couldn’t deal with the day of family and gifts with bad memories of a breakup, and PTSD from the years before and self inflicted things and seeing happiness in others. So the mask is on too when people asked am I looking forward to Christmas

We haven’t discussed “the Day” for this year , now he is home and very different . He is still overwhelmed with new steps each day, still adjusting. The family were here recently and he couldn’t see them . Too early after release.. too much to see them but happy they could come for me amd apologised and went out with his girlfriend then they had dinner themselves.
A christmas dinner is meant to be at my home .. more masks of being excited for our grandson!! How do we manage ? Will he join in? How do we still get through! Yes it’s draining. Are you also seeing family apart from work? Is your son meant to be coming too?

As I said…Finding the real joy is my focus.. new hope of new beginnings, of healing and of peace and forgiveness.
I don’t want gifts. I can’t even buy anything or food.

Last year he was in prison and he didn’t call us or anything . The year before he imprisoned himself in his room. The year before that he made us all feel imprisoned at home in a day of unhappiness as he began his spiralling downwards out of control and he was angry and our time together spoilt.

I want a day of restoration of the family and that my son can talk to his brother and sister in law and meet his nephew snd see his uncle and be happy or at least not hide in his room feeling not good enough or different because he is on parole .

I hope for you July you can cope with the day and find joy in other family.
For you JoeDee, I hope the rest of the family support and love you and your values snd beliefs as this year will be different for you.
Unconditional love. Telling our boys we love them regardless. Don’t give up!!

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi July, JoeDee, and others

Just hoping everyone is managing this time of the year.
it would be good to hear from you all and hear how you are all going.
I know you started this thread along time ago July and this thread has been significant in helping many of us who have joined in along the way .
To others like me, would love to know how you and your sons are going.

Love

Nameless1

[July]

Hi everyone.

I haven't heard from my son but he did message one of his sisters and asked about xmas day ?? my daughter told him to come in the morning and to text me to enquire ....well nothing , it makes me so annoyed he goes on about "oh my family don't want me there ? well if we can't contact you what do you want ??, the number I have I don't know if he has anymore or just doesn't want to answer but I did text that number this morning cause I thought well you have no comeback on me . Now I'm panicking about the day ...is he going to turn up ... ok or off his trolley acting crazy , I just don't need this. Anyway I hope everyone else has a great day , I'll keep in touch.

Take care July

[Nameless1]

Hi July

Good to hear from you.
I hate that situation too with turning up or not. I know that feeling.. last 3 or 4 Christmases bad particularly 2 of being angry and aggressive .
It’s hard not to have that dread and worry. You just want the day to be over. Our tree isn’t even up. Decided just to keep it simple so stress less about food. My son cooking for Lucknow.. stuff he learnt when living at prison .. pork belly. He likes that and it’s a safe place. We are going to my son’s place for dinner and my young grandson will make it lots of fun. Hopefully the rest of your family will distract you whatever the outcome. It’s very tiring though putting on the good face.
My son is living here on parole and with his girlfriend. She is a good influence .Being off everything now for 18 months helps. Each day there is a step forward and we aren’t tippy toing around each other as much, and the verbal attacks aren’t happening. He and the girlfriend will come unless he is feeling too stressed. He is very different since coming home and the day could be fine but it is so hard to get rid of past memories and little things trigger memories. Counsellor working on that too
I know His psychologist told him how to do this; so I have to be strong as well. The Counsellor has helped a lot . Our son has faced family a few times now and coped ok. Christmas is always different though isn’t it

It would be terrible if my son was okay and then I fell apart or I was the one who spoilt the day instead by worrying and being anxious and snappy’ . So my plan …Look for the positives of the day to be in a good head space for the others and so there will be a good vibe if he turns up and keep food and everything simple.

That is what I am doing as hard as it is and come up with a few plans if things aren’t going well .
I think of you all the time and hope things will improve . Just taking a step at a time here ..and listening and watching and encouraging.

Nameless1