Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Nameless1]

Hi Dools, July and everyone .

Thankyou for your kind words Dools

To July . I went back over your story again July and I thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. When I first came to this thread I read the story by you and Anne as well over a few days It has helped me so much to know that realistically this could go in a while and I have to prepare for the best but also worst outcome and not to give up. Our stories are so similar in the beginning . Mine is early days still in comparison and I have only been posting since June this year When I wonder if I will have the strength to cope .. even with ups and downs I look to your story and see how you have battled on. I hope my story will help others too. I am glad you have started to post again!!

As someone said, there is no judgement here and we can express our true feelings . Some times off loading my anxiousness and concerns and questions when the loads is too much is all I need in a day to help me through.

Thanks everyone

nameless1

[July]

Hello,

I am so sorry another parent has to go through this first off, but some relief in knowing my story can give you some reflection, some insight and that my thoughts are what you are feeling to . At first during his first imprisonment I was hopeful ,thinking this will scare him into some rational thinking, and that he will see this is not his path ,little did I know that addiction is a frightening beast , it destroys good families ...good people and shows no mercy to anyone , race, colour , creed , nor the loving mother who would suffer along with the addict . But above all we must try to remain hopeful , I have had many days where I feel , like a failure to him , why can't I save him ? after all I am his mother , I gave him life , I have sacrificed so much ...how much do I have left ? ....normal thoughts and feelings I have come to accept.

Yes , he has many demons, he has not faced ,that is his problem, but again I have learnt I cannot force him to get better and trust me we have tried everything possible. My heart breaks for him , and its not about me but about him , I just want him to have a normal life , that what hurts me ...I just want my boy to be happy. To see your child in pain is the ultimate misery and then knowing you can't do a thing to fix him ...well how bad does that get . I do re read some of my posts to see where my head was at that time ..and I see mother who is in pain , and scared of losing her child but also a resilient strong mother not giving up , and loving beyond the stars. This forum is very therapeutic and just to get your heart to open up is the start. Stay strong you are in my thoughts.

July

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools, thank you for your words of support , one day at a time ...yes thats all I can do . I move forward with my life but my eldest boy is never far from my heart, never in million years did I think my child would have a drug addiction and this would be my path with him . I carried him in my body for 9 months , spent over 8 hours giving birth to him , ...that is the one time in my life I could fully protect him ...I so miss that precious beautiful little boy ,I know he's still in there ....I just want to see and hold him again, take care .

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July

I just wanted to say I understand and agree with everything you said.
I don’t think they realise how much time we spend thinking and worrying and doing things for them because they are part of us.
You are in my thoughts too.

nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Dools and July

I agree with everything July has said .
The hardest thing is when they don’t contact you often.

The last time he was asking about the time served programme to call in fines and when was the warrant stage as he couldn’t call them in till then.

We asked him to check again with the ATC and he asked us to see what we could find out and he was going to contact us again but hasn’t.
so we don’t know what is happening from his end

It was suggested we email the court to find out the process. We did that and they arranged for someone to ring is from Fines Victoria prison program

From them it indicated he could pay both fines by calling in the fines . We didn’t think that was right after some things we read so we emailed someone else’s who dealt with the fines at the Court .

The Statement of Fines and Penalties actually has to be paid and couldn’t be included in the time served programme we eventually found out . When we got on to the Fines Reform at the court and they said as it was a compensations order and has to be paid or the victims could take it to the civil court apparently.

Having no contact with our son we decided reluctantly to pay it and he will have to pay us back as we didn’t want him to end up in civil court once he got out.

The Court Fine Collection Statement can be paid by twine served and calling in the fine but at the warrant stage.
We have trouble finding out when that will be. They can send in a form apparently, but if it isn’t at the warrant stage then they have to send in another form to check again in a few weeks. Etc It’s alright for old fines, but his is a more recent fine from his court hearing. The system is delayed ams in a period of change…. and the form has to be sent in before he is released on parole. There has to be enough days to “serve time“ for the fine. His isn’t a huge amount but still doesn’t want to have to pay it when he comes.

We have spoken to and emailed Fines Vic prison programme about it again. As we now have an overdue notice , it not a final demand , but had no email back and we want more than verbal information and confirmation .

When it reaches the warrant stage apparently is when they can apply it is also when they can give out a warrant and the address they have is ours.
I feel like we are always trying to keep up with processes that seem very broken and time wasting. The systems need updating and made more efficient and user friendly. Feeling frustrated.

nameless 1

[July]

Hi nameless1,

Yes dealing with the courts is a complicated process at times , my son paid his fines off by doing time, he had run up over $5000 in fines by not paying them , driving offences ,not paying for the train tickets ..the list goes on . So frustrating , we didn't pay any of his fines as 1. I didn't know about it and 2. I am not going to enable him ,why should I work hard and he hasn't held a steady job in years.He was already in prison so he knew he had to do the time . He would also drive on a suspended license and kept getting caught, just ridiculous, I guess he thought he was above the law until he got into real trouble . Its like a merry go round ...you are just waiting for the next bad thing to happen, when he's on drugs he just has no fear , no consequence of his actions , and a don't care attitude... but then when he's in prison and clean ...he's all regretful .

To be honest when he's in prison ...its the best time I've seen him , he's clean , working out , helping other prisoners and that wonderful son I used to have . His record in prison is perfect , how ironic but once he's out that lure of the lifestyle and his "so called friends " just pull him back in. He has no coping mechanisms and has anxiety and depression so that in itself is very hard to manage , put illicit drugs on top of that and well theres the problem.

Most of the prisoners I have seen in prison are just ordinary people who are drug and/or alcohol affected when they commit their crimes , its just so sad ...I just wish there was more help inside prison to deal with these issues because once released they fall back into what they know best, their self esteem is at rock bottom and they don't know how to get back out of the darkness, though either lack of resources and or money or information.

I guess to truly understand the mind of an addict you would have to be one ?? but I see in my son at times he is not a completely lost soul but he is eventually going to come undone , I would be very surprised if he doesn't end up back in prison again , he actually said to me once "I like being in here (prison) I don't have to worry about much , so I feel the outside pressure of real life is what he can't handle. The temptations are to much without some intervention this cycle will continue.

But I do know... he has to want it , feel it and pray for closure, at the end of the day no one can do it for him.

Take care

July

[Nameless1]

Hi july

Yes, these prisoners are ordinary people, often too sensitive and caring and are overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, or have had loss or hurt they haven’t dealt with . The pain is covered by the drugs snd alcohol and but by bit it takes over a d they are ashamed to ask for help or talk about their problems. Or they try to get help and just can’t find the right people . My son too has the perfect record and working out, working etc. it will be interesting to see how he handle the stress of being out and pray he makes wise choices . I have heard that often prisoners say it’s easier to be in prison… the stress of decision making, routine, budgeting and other choices is done for you and the structure they can’t maintain themselves is there already. If my son comes home and lockdown is still in I don’t know how he will go without the work and study and gym he can freely do now.

I also wished there was more help for them, but they have to respond and we can’t make them. In there they probably feel Prepared to come home. Once out I agree.. too many temptations.

With your sons fines not paid before he went to prison, did anyone ever come to your house with a warrant to arrest him or seize property like they say they will do at the warrant stage because they didn’t know he was in prison? That’s what they threaten on the back if the fines. What happens if my son doesn’t submit his form at the right time from Prison to apply to call in fines. He doesn’t know when to apply because the time line of the process is unclear and even when we rang to find our they didn’t seem to know. It depended on the admin and backlog of fines. He would just have to keep applying apparently. we don’t want anyone coming to seize property. Once released he can’t call them in. Sorry to go in …, I’m just overthinking it and shouldn’t get anxious about it but the system is frustrating and getting answers takes time and we want it dealt with before he is released .

I agree. In the end they have to decide what they want in life. Just trying to have hope !!

Take care

nameless1

[July]

Hi nameless,

I never had any law enforcement coming to my house although he put my address , his mail came here but he would not tell us where he was living, so I just put all his mail return to sender. So I'm not sure how he sorted his fines , I just remember he told us that he could "pay off his fines as time served in prison ? maybe cause he was already in there not sure about that ? No wonder they don't get help, they are all told different things , it can be very confusing , they are so overwhelmed in prison I don't think they take all the information in any way.

People just think throw them in and leave them , we all make mistakes and deserve some compassion, my son told me many things about what goes on in there ...I'm sure he left out some bad things , but when he said at night when its quiet ...you can hear grown men crying in their cells... I felt sad , I'm sure there is regret and sadness of the choices they have made , obviously some crimes are unforgivable but many young people are in there for relatively minor things , but are then exposed to the worst of criminal life .

If I had the answer the world would be a better place, I hope your son can find his path, but my advice to is stay supportive, loving ,caring , but also realistic and try to protect yourself and your heart....easy to say ...very hard to do. No matter what I still tell my son he is worthy of being loved and wanted , he is valued and can have good life should he choose, but I cannot do it for him ...I wish I could though .

Take care

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July

You wrote some very compassionate things about prisoners and your son and I agree with every word you wrote. Our sons are definitely worthy of being loved , wanted and valued and we always tell him that. It’s so true about people’s attitudes and lack of understanding towards others misfortunes. I wish more could be done as well to prevent the high rate of reoffending but there is no one thing that works for everyone

We heard from our son today!!

He never says why he doesn’t ring.
We had written during the week and he replied with a call. That was wonderful!! He wanted to thank us for some things in the letter which was lively and check up out about a couple of things. There are some courses to do but needs to hear back from the parole board and it’s taking a while. Is that normal?
He never says anything much about what goes on there.., only any good things he is doing. He never asks about other family or friends but asked how we were and how we were coping with COVID . I think it is easier for him that way …to stay removed. I read up about other bad stuff myself and hate thinking about what he is experiencing and hope it deters him from continuing down the path he was on .

It was just good to hear his voice and say we love him in person.
As you said, staying supportive and always being there for them is all we can do but the most important thing.

Take care too

[July]

Hi nameless,

How wonderful to hear from your son, I used to be so happy when my son called ..just to hear his voice and know he's ok , I think in there they just focus on "in there" because to hear about the outside world can be upsetting and maybe not too think much about it is easier.

The parole board can take time to respond ,so don't worry , just be encouraging and talk about what he's doing there , I used to ask all sorts of questions and just to take his mind of his situation for a few minutes... is gratifying for them .

Although they are the ones in prison ....we are in a way in there to , constantly stressing about things we have no control over. I used to look at other people whether at work or just going about their day and think to myself "If only you knew what is going on in my life" and if I broke down and confessed ....would you comfort me or run from me ? this is why I accept people where they are at, not for where they have been .

Your child is the only person who has complete control of your heart, their happiness is ours and their sadness is ours to.

Take care

July