Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[demonblaster]

Hi July ☺

I read your original post and am sorry to hear of your heartbreaking time you're having

I'm unable to read furthur at the moment so I'm tagging this

See you later 😊

[hippiechick]

Hi

i am a mother of 5 and my second youngest is 22 and is in maximum security prison. He has been doing gaol/juvie for many years. Diagnosed with Asperger age 10. kicked out of school in year 7, kicked out of every before and after school care, kicked out of numerous sporting clubs, never invited to anyone house. No friends. Always been a tall boy. He is now 6ft 7 and a solid young man. People used him. they thought they were his friends. :go bash that person cause they did this... so he did and in and out of custody. I work in the prison system as a drug and alcohol counsellor so i know whats available,..not much....its not right. he has now been back in for 8 months and has not seen a psychologist, mental health, not even a welfare/drug and alcohol person. We have no extended family. I visit him almost every weekend. I am struggling. what to do

[Croix]

Dear Hippiechick~

Welcome here to the Forum. As you can see here and in other threads this is sadly something others will have experienced too. I guess as parents we would give an awful lot to steer our children away from trouble, particularly if they really need that adult guidance, something your son with his disability really does.

The prison system is the pits, and as you say support services are far too thin on the ground. I am sure though that your weekly visits make a huge difference. To be reminded of love, and see someone who wants nothing and wishes the very best for him would be a real lift, a complete contrast to his daily life.

I'd like to ask about you. You sound very drained and discouraged. I know you said you have no extended family, however is there anyone who cares and you can lean on at all? Maybe one or more of your older children?

The job you do is important, however I'd expect it can be very draining too. Are there things you can do to give yourself some respite?

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi hippiechick,

I too welcome you to the community here on the forum. I'm sorry to read the story of your son and his life so far. Are there ways you can interact for him and ask for these services to be provided? I am sure you have tried this already, I am just unsure what else to suggest.

I live in a rural region and have enough trouble trying to get assistances, let alone trying to do so from inside a gaol.

Like Croix mentioned, do you have people there who can support you? Are there support groups connected to the gaol? Do your son's siblings visit him in gaol as well?

Can fellow prison workers offer you ideas on how you can get assistance for your son?

I hope you are able to find some answers and can also find ways to help yourself, as I am sure dealing with all of this must be very hard for you.

From Dools.

[Enga]

Anne I am in the same situation and I want to offer my support to you and other parents in the same situation. Our very beloved son has had similar problems and every day I wake up to another day of worrying about him, wondering how he is coping in jail. I visit as often as I can and find this helps. Like you I won't give up on him. Every now and then there is a ray of light.. I do believe that there is hope for you and your son. Really love and kindness is the only way.

[July]

Hi enga and hippiechick,

I am the mother who started this post years ago , and have not been here for a while. Whilst I'm sure you have read my story....it is far from over.

My son has relapsed and returned to the drug lifestyle and all the damage it inflicts, to himself and me . He is again in trouble with the police and has another court date next week, for what I'm not sure .

You would think after serving 22 months in prison that would scare you ? but no ...that addiction just lies in wait until you are vulnerable , then drags you back down to hell.

I am sad, defeated and worried , what is it that will make him see the light ?, I've cried ,screamed , begged , pleaded and said and done everything I can to help him , but obviously to no avail...when will this end.

Part of me wants him go back to prison where last time he got clean , but then again ...its me going through it all over, I don't want to do it, how can I do it , why should I do it... and my only answer is ...he's my son and I will have to. Its me or no one , I think to myself ...maybe I will be stronger this time ? who knows .

I just tell him I love him and will help him , thats all I can do , but my heart just breaks to see him again in this position , I know he's disappointed that he has hurt me again , but that addiction is just so much stronger than my love.

At least here there is some comfort knowing there are many of us going through this , take care

July.

[Quercus]

Hello July,

This hit so hard I had to reply...

"That addiction is just so much stronger than my love"

The pain and understanding and love and frustration in that statement are clear. You are not to blame. You haven't failed your son. Your love is more important than anything.

I have come to believe any addiction is a lifetime companion. We don't beat or fight them but manage. We all have ways to drown our demons and cope. Some coping mechanisms are healthier or more socially acceptable than others.

Perhaos your son is simply not ready to change. Like managing our mental illnesses it takes a commitment to manage an addiction. And the choice and desire has to come from within. Staying clean in jail is somewhat easier because of the routines and controls. Once out the freedoms and pressure of peers can unravel the work to self care.

Someone dear to me works with prisoners and over time I'm learning to challenge some of the ideas I grew up with through what I learn from them.

Jail time is something I judged harshly because of my home environment and learned attitudes but truthfully I was ignorant.

I wanted you to know there is no shame. We all have issues (anyone who says they don't are either lucky or lying). How you've shared your story is powerful.

Thank you.

LNat

[July]

Hi Quercus.

Yes I'm sure you are right , my son is just not ready or willing to commit to rehab, we have offered to pay for rehab, counselling... whatever to help him , well I can lead him to water but can't make him drink, as the saying goes .

I believe he has depression and anxiety but just wont face it , thus making his problems worse , then consoling himself with the drugs to ease the pain. It's a vicious cycle, I knew he was not in a good place because he distances himself from family , he's a good person deep down , and this behaviour shows me he has some conscience, because he knows he hurts us and doesn't want us to know, so he retreats .

His previous prison sentence in a way "forced ' him to get clean and on parole he was drug tested so keeping him on the straight and narrow for a while . We had many discussions about prison and drugs when released and he seemed very determined to get his life back on track . But once off parole , without restrictions , those demons came back to haunt him .

Of course as his mum , I try not to blame myself ....but my one job on this earth was to raise my four kids as good people, him ...being my oldest has suffered the most , from the divorce ...from his absent father...from whatever.

He is 36 now and I look at him , still like that gorgeous little boy inside , which just hurts me so much to watch him go through this and have to sit by and pray one day he will find some peace. But until he faces his problems and deals with them, the devil is winning.

When your drug addicted child is happy with you ....you are probably enabling them and if your drug addicted child is angry with you ...you are probably trying to save their life. How can we win?

This is why my son distances himself because I wont enable him .

Take care

July

[Quercus]

Hi July,

I feel for you. It must be so hard to watch your son refuse to help himself. At least he knows where to go when he feels ready.

In the meantime what about you? Who supports you? Do you see a counsellor for yourself at all?

So many questions sorry. I suppose what I'm getting at is you see your son and the good inside but only he can choose to help himself and he isn't. It must be frustrating and feel helpless so I wondered how you manage these feelings and keep as well as you can?

Nat

[July]

Hi,

I did see a counsellor the first time he was imprisoned for quite a few months , also due to a work issue which tipped me over the edge so to speak, I had to take 4 months off work because I had a breakdown . It is very difficult because you don't know who truly understands or accepts the situation , as most people are very judgemental when it comes to prison. I did not tell anyone about my son being in prison, so it was a very painful time and very lonely as well . Keeping secrets is very mentally taxing and felt ...I could not trust anyone outside my husband and 2 adult daughters to confide in. My younger son who is now 14 ...was at the time to young to know the truth about his older brother. But if my oldest son goes back to prison I may disclose this information to my younger son . I did tell him about his brothers drug addiction and the pain it causes ...the first comment he said to me was "oh mum that must be so hard for you " , such a kind caring young man he is . So time will tell , my oldest boy has court tomorrow so I will wait and see what happens . I don't know how I will manage, but I suppose I will have to. If it gets beyond me I will go back to counselling ,probably quicker than I did last time to .

July