Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for your presence, deep empathy & caring. Your friendship is something that I never take for granted...

Maybe, as awful as it feels, this stuck/flat feeling is where you need to be right now. Perhaps it’s what you need to go through in order to feel driven enough to propel yourself forward in the future...

I’m not saying you need to make major changes/plans right now. But maybe this will all make sense to you in the future...

I think you’re possibly using most of your energy to readjust to “normalcy” after a period of heightened stress & fear. I think that would be emotionally taxing, hence your flat feeling. You’re tired.

I’m so glad cooking helped ground you, & gave you feelings of accomplishment & movement.

I believe in you, my friend. You’ll find your way again when you’re ready 🙂

You’re right, I completely agree with your wisdom that this disconnected state is also part of the process.

This morning, I felt a stirring. The disconnection has receded a little & some of the sadness is re-surfacing.
It’s okay, emotions shift & drift. I just want to flow with it.

I found a book called The Printed Letter Bookshop. It seems heartwarming & hopeful, with some sadness. When I opened it, the 1st 4 pages were dedicated entirely to accolades/rave reviews, so that’s a good sign 😉

I’m also on the lookout for a nice teapot set. I think that I want to get into brewing tea as a grounding tool.

I’m seeing friends this week again. Sometimes I’m tempted to cancel, but I limit that.

I try to follow through if I agree/commit. If I don’t/can’t go then I say “no” from the start to avoid giving people false hope.

I have unintentionally hurt people (offline) before by shutting them out, so I’m trying not to do it again. I know that I’m hurting, but just because I’m hurting, it doesn’t mean that I can ignore other people’s feelings. They matter.

Besides, as you wisely said, seeing them helps me too. It gives me a sense of “normalcy”, social/emotional support & it stops me from self isolating 🙂

I’ve been through grief before. But as you recognised, I have more tools in my coping box. I feel more reflective & accepting this time.

My friend, how have you been finding the week so far?

I think of you & thank you for being here. I too treasure your friendship.

Thank you for being this compassionate, kind hearted, insightful, intelligent &, deeply nurturing person 🙂

Much love & friendship xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello beautiful friend,

It is so wonderful to have you as a friend! What a beautful post, i have read it ninerous times.

I am glad that you recognised the resurfacing of some feelings of sadness, and allowing them their space.

I am sitting here with you in your sadness.

I think it's so healthy of you to push yourself at times to meet up with your friends as i can completely relate and understand the inclination towards self-isolation.

You are negotiating this difficult time with a lot of poise.

It's ok if that poise becomes unstuck at times too, don't forget.

I think treating yourself to a lovely new teapot set sounds just the thing. I love that grounding act of preparing, brewing, pouring, sipping. I know you've talked before how that is part of your heritage, tea ceremonies, and i think it's a beautiful, mindful, peaceful action of self-care.

You've inspired me too, to use that as a grounding tool,
i don't do it often enough, thank you.

I looked up The Printed Letter Bookshop, it sounds good, gotta love when the first few pages are filled with hood reviews! It's not at my library, and it's not on World of Books yet (looks pretty new so might take a while to go 2nd hand), but I'll keep my eye out for it, I've put it on my 'to read' list on the Goodreads app.

Your reflections on my state of flatness are completely spot on, and thank you very much, reading what you said about a readjustmemt period after this time of heightened anxiety and fear is just what i needed to hear and acknowledge.

You are a wise and precious friend ❤

How are you feeling tonight? I hope you are putting aside some time to take care of you.

Oh, also, did you get to see Joaquin Phoenix's Oscar acceptance speech on youtube or whatevs? So beautiful 🥰

Love ❤

🌻b xo

[Birdy77]

You know how much i love it when i make typos! Brilliant 👍👍👍

There are quite a few in the latest, but i must say, i enjoyed the word "ninerous" - and although i meant "numerous", i reckon ninerous is pretty awesome. Like, nine or so times, right? Trademark please!!

xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I’m glad you could relate to some of my words...so much that you read it ninerous times! 9th time is the charm. I better make good use of that word before your trademark is approved 😉

But your reading prowess aside, I’m glad my words resonated. I know that this readjustment period is rough...change can take an emotional toll, so no wonder you’re feeling flat & listless now, lovely friend.

You’ll get there though, my friend...gradually & gently.

It means a lot that you’re sitting with me, keeping me company & letting me feel my own emotions. Your presence & patience is a blessing.

Thank you so much, I probably do need a reminder that it’s sometimes okay if my poise/relative composure comes unstuck...in some ways, I can be hard on myself.

I know life goes on. The world keeps spinning, so I must move with it. No one will look after me if I crumble, so I feel that I have to keep it together.

I agree the whole art of tea can be a very grounding ritual 🙂 I would love to hear how you go with it.

What teas do you like?

I’m hoping to find a set that includes 4 tiny cups. Ones where you can you down your tea in 3-5 sips.

I find part-floral teas soothing, as I enjoy watching the buds expand once it’s immersed in water. Rose buds, ones specifically grown for safe human consumption, are great a addition to peppermint teas. Chrysanthemum is pretty too, but slightly bland in flavour.

The Printed Letter Bookshop was a 2019 publication, so you’re right, it’s fairly new. Hopefully you’ll find a copy some time this year 🙂

Last night was tolerable, despite some lows. I felt a few pangs in my heart, so I gently held both hands to my heart to try to self sooth. Self nurturing...

I looked up Joaquin Phoenix’s acceptance speech. Thank you.

He quoted his brother:

Run to the rescue with love & peace will follow.

That gave me pause...

I imagine some of his words about our treatment of sentient animals really hit home. You have an unmistakable capacity to love & feel deep compassion.

It’s your empathy & love that makes you so strong. I think it’s in everything you do, even if you’re not always consciously aware of it.

Your advocacy for animal rights. Cooking as an act of love. The tenderness with which you treat your boys & chooks. Etc. It’s in all that you do. You live it.

How have things been for you the past couple of days, my friend?

Thinking of you & always sending my blessings, warmth and much love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello my beautiful friend,

Thank you so much for the gorgeous things you said. You are so encouraging and uplifting. I was feeling really crapola earlier, so i read your message ninerous times ❤ and it helped 😃 thank you.

Such a beautiful speech by Joaquin. I love the way he uses his standing & status to be a voice for those who don't have one. He does it regularly, i love the way he has challenged actors etc to re-wear their clothing at awards, not catch private jets to ceremonies etc. He has done a lot for bringing climate justice & compassion for animals into the popular consciousness.

Tea. I enjoy ninerous different teas (😊), i like pretty much any herbal teas, eg. My regulars are peppermint (😃xo), lemon, lemon verbena and chammomile (i grow all of these so they're always at hand), i like ginger, i like licorice & fennel teas (are we up to 9 yet?).. i love the idea of watching the rosebuds expand in the hot water, that adds an extra sensory experience to it i should try that. I have never ever tried Chrysanthemum tea, would you recommend?

Speaking of flowers, you asked if sunflowers are my fave. I would have to say no, because they just don't last very long! Theyre fun to grow, but once they flower, they're there for maybe a week and then, goodbye. I looked up the dahlia you mentioned that you love, was it black satin (?), absolutely gorgeous. I might look out for a tuber some time for my garden. I have a few dahlias growing, 2 that i really like because they have dark, almost black foliage which is quite a striking feature, one is called yellow hammer i think, one is bishop of llandaff, i love them also because they flower for months & months & provide pollen for the bees for ages. But what is my favourite flower? I don't know!

I love the idea of a set with 4 tiny cups, it makes the whole pouring ceremony more frequent right? I like that. I hope you find the perfect set! I love looking for vintage cups plates. I found a set of Italian amber tumblers with decanter at an op shop recently that we now use for wine.

I will definitely keep an eye out for the Printed Letter Bookshop. Let me know how you enjoy it. I started Inglorious and i think i am going to enjoy it again. Her state of mind is not very good, maybe it's helping me feel less alone?!

How have you been feeling the last couple of days?

Sorry this post is boring, I'm just not firing on all the cylinders today. Thanks for being here, talking to you has helped me feel better.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

My lovely friend, I feel your struggle. I’m holding your struggles close to my heart.

I’m paying attention & listening if you want to share what is troubling you. But, of course, no pressure...you know I’m here 😉

Your post is not boring at all. I enjoy getting to know the different facets of you. It makes you Who You Are.

Please don’t think it has to be a great insight or sharp observation. As much as I value that, I’m also interested in the other parts of you too 🙂

Your gardening. Your cooking. Your reading. Your op shop visits. Your interests & passions. Your family. Etc. It all matters.

I looked up the synopsis of Inglorious, & it does sound like the protagonist is about to unravel. She seems really lost & unsure. I’ve read some reviews that suggests she’s struggling with existential questions.

I wonder, which aspect of the book do you personally relate to?

I agree it’s great that Joaquin Phoenix is using his status to bring awareness to causes that matter to him. Sadly, private jets generate a disproportionally high levels of greenhouse gas.

Your gardening skills are impressive! I love peppermint (laughs) & chamomile tea. Lemon is soothing with ginger.

You seem to prefer stronger flavours. But chrysanthemum tea has a more subtle flavour, so I would suggest pairing it with something else to give it more flavour. Maybe something sweet?

Laughs, it looks like sunflowers could be the floral world’s impermanence teacher then. Yes, black satin is one of my favourite flowers 🙂

I looked up Bishop Of Llandaff & yellow hammer, & I must agree that the foliage is striking. Absolutely gorgeous.

The small cups are traditional, & you’re right, it increases the tea pouring frequency 🙂 Those Amber tumblers sound stunning. I wonder what is the story behind preloved items.

I’ve been feeling very sad the past couple of days. I turned to alcohol last night, as it was particularly rough. I had a good cry as well.

I’ve just been emotional. I realise it’s a fine line between “function” & collapse, & it’s sometimes the small daily things we do that makes all the difference...

Washing & cleansing my face each morning. Doing my hair. Putting on makeup. Eating breakfast. Spending time outdoors during the day. Etc. Performing mundane daily life actions sometimes holds the key..

I’m sending you support & comfort, my friend.

Do you have any self nurturing activities for tonight or tomorrow?

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello beautiful friend,

I too am here paying attention to you and listening always.

I am wondering how you are feeling today, & hoping that you are just going with it, whatever it is that needs to be felt right now.

I completely understand turning to the alcohol, i have been as well. I've been using it as a crutch lately, admittedly, i keep telling myself that this is the day i won't do that, but i fail each time.

Do you have a social weekend happening or are you taking some time to be alone? I hope you do whatever you feel is right for you. Whatever you decide is absolutely ok.

I like the way you described the little daily routines that have been getting you through, from one moment to the next. I can relate to that a lot, bringing yourself down to this very task right here, it can divert our thoughts for a while from the bigger problems that might be lurking, while we really focus on the tasks at hand. Plus it is taking care of ourselves, one tiny step at a time.

I am going to look out for Chrysanthemum tea, just to try it. I shall report back.

Yes i often wonder about the stories behind preloved/second-hand items. I found at the op shop a set of Irish linen napkins with tablecloth, fully wrapped in their original packaging (little pins holding them in place to the cardboard), it would have been at least from the 60s, such a shame nobody used it all that time. You know how people sometimes (especially older generations i think) saved things for special occasions, & then maybe they just get stored at the back of the cupboard. An amazing find for me also was a Susie Cooper coffee set all immaculately boxed and in mint condition, i looked the collection up online and it's a 1930s collection. I love stuff like that.

I have started renovating a whole section of the garden, mostly vegetable patch, it is good, hard work, & i always feel mentally better after having a nice dig in the garden.

I am making ravioli tonight, well, i am using wonton wrappers, but i have made the filling, it's roast pumpkin and tofu-ricotta with spinach and toasted pine nuts 🤞🤞🤞it's a bit of a test recipe so we shall see!

How about you, have you taken some time for some self-care today?

Thank you for saying my ramblings weren't boring. I love hearing about all your stuff as well, your interests and passions and anything at all, i enjoy learning about the different facets of you.

Thinking of you, and sending love ❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for being here. For caring, your warmth, & your time. Your friendship is a gift 🙂

I feel your hurt & struggle. I know the lure of alcohol. The pull can be strong, & it can be hard to resist when we are really hurting...gentle hugs...

What has personally helped me is I try not to keep much alcohol at home. I find once I’m home, I usually can’t be bothered going out to buy more alcohol. So if I have keep small amounts, I end up drinking less, as it’s less “accessible.”

Learning to sit with difficult emotions has helped me too. I’ve found that the better I am at confronting my own pain, the less I turn to alcohol. That’s not to say that I don’t drink, but I just do it less...

That said, I know it’s hard. Really hard. I know you’re floundering & hurting. I’m holding my hand out to you, & sitting by your side to offer some quiet company, my friend...

I’m happy you have been able to spend time in your garden. I know that is your sanctuary. I think it feeds your spirit, & especially lately, you need that nourishment.

What will you be growing in your renovated veggie patch?

I think you’re so creative & adventurous with your cooking. Your ravioli with wonton wrappers sounds very tasty! How was it?

Yes, op shops & flea markets can be treasure troves of rich histories. The Irish linen napkins & tablecloth, & Susie Cooper coffee set were incredible finds! I can imagine your joy when you found them.

I went out with friends, & we let loose on the dance floor. I also saw another friend for an art thing this week.

I’m very grateful for them. Not just for the social aspect, but because I know they have my back. I have people that I can count on, & that is not to be taken for granted

Regularly spending time with friends is part of my self care 😉

I’m very intrigued by Inglorious. I hope you’re enjoying the re-reading. I’ve found a copy at a library, so I’ll see how that goes.

When I was reading Rabbits for Food, it captured one (fictional) woman’s struggles with herself. She’s pretty abrasive, & offends people wherever she goes. To the point of alienating many members of her own family.

It’s hard to know which part of her harsh words is “her”, & which part is a reflection of her mental health struggles. Either way, you can tell she’s hurting

Let me know how you find the chrysanthemum tea.

How is your emotional life- how have you been feeling this weekend?

With warmth & love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello beautiful friend.

I have been writing you a big reply fkr theast 20 minutes and then i accidentally navigated away from the page and i lost the whole thing.

I'll write again later, I'm disappointed.

❤ xo

[Birdy77]

Happy Sunday beautiful friend ❤

I am so happy to hear that you went out dancing with your friends!  It sounds like it might have been just what you needed.  Letting loose on the dancefloor can really help shift emotions sometimes,  but importantly also, it's just So Much Fun.

I miss going out dancing regularly with friends - we all live far apart now, & there are babies/children as well.  As you now, our kitchen becomes The Club for us & occasionally our neighbours.  It's been a while though.  (Mardi gras is coming up though, that's a good excuse for a party right?).

It is so good that you have found this tribe of yours. That spending time with them is part of your self-care routine.  Knowing they have your back is a huge blessing in life,  i am so pleased for you.

How was the art thing with yiur other friend?

Oh definitely, skeletal stocks of alchohol is a brilliant strategy. I am the same, if it's not here, at hand, i won't go out especially to get it. There was a delivery from Goodwill Wine a few days ago though, so ...
y  e  a  h .....

You found Inglorious!  Cool! I am only 40 pages in, but am enjoying it. 

I like the dark comedy of it. She is pretty much unravelling, & sometimes i feel like i am too!  She makes these awesome to-do lists (this won't spoil anything), like:

1. Clean the bath
2. Read the complete works of Proust,  Shakespeare & the rest
3. Buy spaghetti
4. Distinguish the various philosophies of The Way
5. Get a job
6. Pinpoint the meaning of life

I find it cleverly dark, humorous & philosophical.

I have decided to focus on growing garlics & greens for a while. When i first made this veg patch, i planted roses and dahlias in the middle to attract bees & to have a bit of a french potager feel. Now that it's more established, i need more room for the veg, & it's turned into a complete makeover. I will leave the zucchinis, pumpkins, melons, eggplants that are growing for now, & i pulled all the carrots yesterday,  but then I'm just going to focus on spinach, silverbeet, herbs, lettuce varieties, bok choy etc and garlics.

I have heen feeling good today and yesterday, but Friday i was a wreck.  I am taking it day by day.  I have talked too much.

Love ❤

🌻b  xo