Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Yes you can say you hate christmas. Hate is a bit strong a word for myself, so I say I dislike Christmas - I have said it out loud to some people (I can trust).

I am sorry you do not get any support from your family. 😞 When a friend got divorced the support did not come from her own family either, rather it came from the partners side of the family. What do you want from your family?

And as far as feeling alien from your family... I was like that until a year or two ago when Dad got Parkinson's and got to see another side of my parents. Though when my brother join in then I am the alien and an observer as they chat about things I have no part of.

Talking about my own things rather than you.

Last comment is that because you live with it everyday so a very slow and gradual decline will go unnoticed and seem normal. And perhaps if you saw yourself only once a month then it might be different.

Your truth is your truth - whether that is about your decline or hating Christmas.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

First of all Happy Birthday and I hope your dinner goes well without any dramas. I can relate to feeling like an alien as I never felt like I belonged in my family. I never felt understood or supported.

Looking back I am amazed I made it to my 30’s without any help. I remember thinking I probably wouldn’t make it to 21.

To cope I threw myself into work which was a busy office job and somehow I was able to manage. However, when I got home all I wanted to do was sleep. Sometimes I didn’t even eat as I had no appetite.Then after a time I would come good again and life went on.

In my 20’s I started to use alcohol as a way of coping. Tho only on the weekends. I would have a few drinks on an empty stomach which would make me sleepy and I used this as a way of getting rid of time. Fortunately I didn’t become reliant on alcohol on a daily basis and nowadays hardly drink at all - just on special occasions.

Another major thing that got me through is my belief in God. (I did not come from a church going family.) However, in my teens there was a time when I had decided to ‘s’. On the night before I prayed to God mainly apologising for not being able to live this life I had been given. I was very emotional and crying, but all of a sudden I felt a peace come over me and I was able to sleep.

The next day I felt stronger and totally different. I ended up spending the day hiking in the hills! That’s how I know God is real and hears prayers.

It’s okay to say you hate Xmas as it can be one of the most stressful times of the year for many.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🎂🤗

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hope your birthday went well and you are surviving the ‘silly’ season. I know you said you hate Xmas, but I wanted to wish you a happy and peaceful one all the same.

Take care and stay safe. A new year is just around the corner.

Best wishes & lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🎄

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo & Tim,

Realistically this Xmas/Bday has been fairly good and family have actually been ok. My "traits" have been more noted which know makes me think it was me all along. But my bf did say he saw a lot of what has made things shit for a long time, and we ignored my family mostly.

I can feel the mediation working, but I am still struggling. I don't know why. I knew it was bipolar (didn't want to, but knew).

Jojo, thanks for the wishes - I hope you have had a great Xmas my friend! you too Tim.

Jojo, I believe in God, only really just entered. But I did a similar incident to you and then entered my bf, but my belief throughs a little spanner in the works of my relationship. He used to believe but doesn't now. I want to go further into my beliefs and understand more, but kinda worried to. Plus I've started wondering why he has given me the life he has. why?

anxiety is kicking in Jojo, has been getting worse and worse. unfortunately I feel like I am about to end up in hospital. No idea wh, or how, but every time I do have this feeling I go off the rails and do end up there.

I ended up telling my mother what the diagnosis was, she claimed she knew and wasn't surprised and would've got me any help I needed. when I pointed out she didn't and none of them told me, she turned around and blamed me for not letting her. I wanted to scream at her, I was still a "child" and unwell apparently. but it doesn't excuse them for not telling me in the last 2 years. Ultimately she is happy now. Whilst I feel so betrayed. Apparently everyone knew or had suspicions, but not one of them got me help or told me.

Jojo, I don't know. I seriously feel I should be dead, and it would save my partner. His family have been pressuring for a ring and kids - but he'd be so much better off. I know we have talked about it and he claims he wouldn't, but I know he would.

I wish I knew the difference between normal and me, but I don't. Today showed how different I am to everyone. People seem to think I don't see the looks, or the distance they create and all I was trying to do was care for my family. I helped in everyway possible, but still...

brain, shut up?

been on my own for a bit, nice, but thoughts are literally how can you kill yourself. sorry guys.

Merry Xmas

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

So many things packed into one post!

Seems odd your family would not have told you about your behaviours. I won't speculate, perhaps a conversation? The other side thinks would it really matter.

It is ok for you to develop a belief in God. I know a few couples where one person has a belief and the other does not. I did discernment a couple of years ago and was told not ready. It was shortly after this I dipped into depression etc. And A did not lead to B. Talking with my psychologist and others I put my BTh on hold and started a counseling diploma. I would talk to some people about what I was going through and mostly received compliments. Both in discernment and talking and listening (mostly) I found my "why?". If you like I could explain in the next post. It not be your reason. It may give you some hope of finding your reason?

Not sure how long you have been on medication. Just speaking for myself, my medication is working the best it can not 100% but the best it can. Which perhaps leads onto your question about normal. Is my current state my forever normal? Living in a state of recovery and not cured? Can I accept that? I know I would like to feel better about myself and the world, but can yes to the last two questions. How about you?

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Haven’t you heard there is no ‘normal’! You are you and you are going through a transitional period whilst you adjust to medication. And your bf would not be better off without you. He has been there through thick and thin, he is there for you, don’t shut him out.

I am glad you believe in God. I find it such a comfort. I especially like reading the Psalms as many of them make life seem less frightening.

I am sorry your family weren’t there for you and didn’t get you help in the past. However, you have somehow managed to get this far so there is no reason you don’t have a long and happy future ahead of you (with the right support & treatment).

You are one of the strongest and most resilient person I have come across. You feel like you may end up in hospital- don’t be afraid of that. It is much worse sitting at home feeling you can’t go on another minute.

A friend of mine has just been admitted with severe depression and I am relieved because she is safe and being well looked after. I was worried sick about her while she was at home, but she eventually put her hand up and agreed she needed help. Sometimes it really helps and is for the best.

I am glad your birthday and Christmas both went well. I had Christmas lunch with some friends and stuffed my face! Oh well glad all the fuss is over for another year!

Take care and stay strong xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim and Jojo,

Tim, early days with medication. My bf is noticing it is taking the edges off... I feel out of the norm and it's frightening. Hard to explain.

Jojo, I'm just feeling so impulsive with the negative side, I know for me this equals warning. I'm tired but can't sleep and just want it to end.

I don't know.

Glad your friend is ok Jojo.

Today went everywhere, parent dmthrew in surprise things at me.

And have to look at revoking my cat.

Not great headspace atm, spent last 5 hours crying, decided to cook a slice for my self proclaimed mother in law.

 

[smallwolf]

Sorry things are still rough for you at the moment. And don't worry about not being able to explain it. When I take my medication there are subtle changes in how I feel.

How do you feel about having a self proclaimed MIL?

And what was the slice? Sweet or savoury? Love chocolate slice!

Also remember we are always here for you.

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

Your under a vest!

Tim

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim,

Sorry, what do you mean by - self proclaimed MIL?

Made both a caramel slice and peppermint slice that is free from wheat, dairy, nuts, soy, eggs, sesame, fish/crostations.

Just had our first major "fight" I guess. Basically was me more fuming over his insensitivities for hours and then me being ignored so went to go for a walk and then attention was paid to me, in the form of "have you taken your meds?". I've pretty much said we are over.

So right now, really not ok.

Sorry, it's just been shit tonight. can't take much more atm.

[smallwolf]

:(

MIL is mother in law.

Could you perhaps see last night as a sort of test. I don't think he should have asked if you have taken your meds but if you get through this you could get through a lot of things.

Well done on the slice. I have not had to make a slice free of anything. You ROCK!

Tim