Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,
But I can't agree with u.

My sister's wedding was more hitting the high, so was medicated but still trying to go high and fighting taking meds. My partner and I ended up in a minor argument at around midnight over meds. It's more so scared of going too higj because of evedyone else view, but reallu really wanting too. Then I've rapidly crashed into the other side. We r noting that the cycles are longer (which is what I remember) but there is currently no real gap between cycles and it's literally a day or two turn around. And hitting hard and fast.

Useless me didn't make it into work today, but don't really care. Stupid me.

[Saree_p]

Eating, not able to keep food down real well.

Sleeping, has been with difficulty. Last night was tired but couldn't fall asleep, yet haven't been able to get up this morning.

I give up. I just can't do this continually. It'd be so much easier on everyone. It's already believed I'm s failure. Might as well be one

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are not a failure, stupid or useless. You are still going through a topsy turvy time which must be pretty exhausting especially if you are not eating or sleeping properly.

You mentioned you disagreed with something I said in my last post. Which part? I hope I have not upset you in any way as that would never be my intention.

If it was about the medication I can only say what worked for me. I was resistant to taking meds at first too as I hardly ever took so much as a headache tablet before being diagnosed. However, once they got me on treatment that suited me I appreciated the benefits.

I hope you are able to sort things out with work because you are obviously a very valuable employee.

Did you manage to get Tinsel back? I know my little dog always knows if I am having a bad day. I was crying about my brother one time and she came right up and sat on my neck! It felt so comforting. Pets are the best.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🐉

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I wasn't upset with you. Sorry to make you think so. I just more didn't agree with your view about me. Sorry.

Headspace isnt great, but just wanted you to know you hadnt upset me dear friend.

[Saree_p]

Jojo,
Im so so sorry.

How do u do it? How do u manage?

At 3pm today my already frantic schedule doubled at work. I cant do it anymore. But i need to because it'll distract me from this side/state.

Sorry Jojo, im just loosing it.

Ive shut my partner out and am hiding in the study. I cracked it that I'm just not good enough and he should leave.

What is wrong with me

[Saree_p]

I can't anymore .

Just sent by resignation.

I just can't anymore.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Slow down, slow down, take a breath. Just stop and breathe. Don’t be sorry. You are doing it tough and really struggling. Please don’t shut out your partner as I am sure he is doing his absolute best to support you.

As I have mentioned before the only way I found I could manage and stay stable is with medication. Are you still taking the antipsychotic? Also in the past I had a very good case manager who helped me through the tougher times.

Are you able to take time off of work just until you settle rather than throw in the towel? Work seems to be an important part of your life for a variety of reasons so maybe you could try and work with your boss to find some sort of compromise.

Do you still see a psychologist and if so is that helping?

Take good care of yourself and don’t give up. You are a fighter so keep on keeping on xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Sorry, I am sure that I responded.

No, I stopped taking them. Psychiatrist to take a dosage when higher and then drop to helf when not. We decided when I am low not to take them.

Psychologist haven't seen since diagnosis and am not supposed to see until the 11th.

We have just had an argument. Basically a list of things that are wrong with me. It's not like this mh issue has taken all from me, but he is adamant that I am reacting with childhood issues - otherwise why would i be thinkign dark thoughts.

The one person I thought I could turn to too talk to, and has told me I can, has just had a go at me for being the way I am.

I have no words anymore. I fail at trying to die, I fail at work, I fail with us, I just fail.

In one hand he wants to say I can work etc, and then he is condeming me for all the struggles. But I am to talk to him - I don't think so. So yes, I have removed myself.

I can't slow down Jojo, I just want this over with.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through, it sounds like it has been a really overwhelming time for you. We acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support, and we are so glad that you have done so here today. We are worried about your safety at the moment, so our Support Service is checking in with you. Our community will be here to listen and talk you through this difficult time, so we hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Saree_p]

Im sorry SophieM,
Please don't worry. It's wasted time and resources. Everyone just judges.
Sorry for the trouvle i have cause. Sorry