Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Nope to community assessment. Did ring and told me they couldn't help immediately as were supposed to. We're supposed to ring today and didn't.

Got phone call galore today from Dr surgery and then psychiatrist this arvo.

Tomorrow have an appointment with psychiatrist, and GP Thursday. Have cleared Thursday with work not sure about tomorrow as walked out of work because was getting to bouncy.
Atm Jojo I just keep returning to elevated, but it's different and today I'm happy and can do everything and anything and am. Then gone to far and can't process anything but mins is everywhere, to then bouncy but crying at same time.
This is all different.

What we have learnt is apparently I've always had paranoid stages. And now they seem to be every six months after a couple of weeks of getting more and more elevated out of a depression.

It's like everyone else knew but me.

Is any of this normal?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am sorry to hear the community mental health services are being their usual unhelpful self. I just don’t know how they get away with it.

I am glad you are seeing the psychiatrist and GP this week as you need to stabilise and if you need meds they can be prescribed.

You ask if what you are going through is normal. I can’t really answer that as you haven’t exactly had consistent or optimal treatment.

You first posted at the end of May and if you had not been stuffed around so much I think by now your mh would have settled considerably.

My hope for you now in this new year is that you can work closely with the psychiatrist and work out a solid treatment plan.

Take care, stay safe and I have a feeling life is about to turn around for the better.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Thanks jojo,
I do hope so. It's after 1 here and I simply can't switch off. Barely slept last night too.

Worried about tomorrow (well i guess today) now tho. Because of things always going badly I worry that it will.

Unfortunately my GP has left for 6months so I have to deal with an unknown. But I'm guessing at this stage it's s female GP and hopefully it'll be ok. I would normally run for the hills atm, but my partner won't let me.

The one part I hate atm is that everyone else is so convince there is something really wrong with me. I don't know if this'll make sense, but whilst I've struggled with it and wanted help etc, it was ok because I thought something wasn't right. But I'm struggling with everyone else believing something is wrong with me.
My partner looks at it as though meds are the option and he can't cope if I'm not stabilised - what if I never am.
I guess it comes down to, I'm allowed to have doubts but I struggle when others do.

Anyways. How are you Jojo? Hope you are ok 🙄😊

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

How did your appointment go with the psychiatrist today?

There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you! You are having symptoms of an illness that is not exactly under control. I believe once you have a handle on it and proper support you will be in a much better place with fewer extreme symptoms.

I am glad your partner is keeping you safe so that you don’t do a runner which wouldn’t solve anything. You need to stay and find out what works for you to keep you well.

I am going well thank you. I didn’t manage to find my brother, but as you mentioned previously I can only help him if he wants to be helped.

Stay positive and keep hoping for the best xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗😊

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo
Not sure if we'll is the right word. I apparently have to go back again on Monday. Got told to take the antipsychotic every night atm. Currently sitting at GP.
Monday is a bit of a pain as have to reschedule work. But he has booked me in during his lunch break so I guess it's important.
Guess he also doesn't want to bounce me back to community health.

Got my sister's wedding this Saturday which will throw everything. Supposed to be going there after work to have drinks and help with shit, mum demanding to do my nails. It just disrupts my whole routine.
I sound horrible.
But there is so much drama and issues I'll be glad when it's over.

My partner got really annoyed with me last night tho. Apparently started to go paranoid again and he claimed I barely slept for two nights, which means he didn't. But he gets upset if I get up and do things. I offer to try and sleep on the couch, but he tells me to stay in bed.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I remember being told I needed an antipsychotic and didn’t want to go on it as I didn’t think it would make any difference. I was completely wrong and realise taking it was the best decision I have ever made regarding my mh.

I have not had any psychotic episodes since then which is quite a few years ago now. I am glad you are being seen again on Monday and not sent back to community mh services. I think finally you are going to receive the treatment and support you need.

I hope you survive the wedding which often is stressful even though you are not the bride. I just wish your family were a bit more understanding and supportive of your needs.

Do try and catch up on sleep as this will help enormously. If possible try to find a way to wind down before bed and have a regular bedtime.

How are you finding the new GP?

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🤓

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo 😊

My family understand enough to patronize me for it, but blame me at the same time for what I "put them through".

My partner has been great with regular routine n bed stuff, just not been working. Been trying tho.

Thanks for the comforting words.

I'm just so worried. And feel like the problem... and to a degree the bits I enjoy everyone is telling me is a problem and I haven't been able to enjoy them.

I also worry the psychiatrist is changing his mind. He seems to be question type 1.
Just hate all this. Yes I know it's good but yeah.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hope the wedding went well and wasn’t too overwhelming for you.

That’s great your partner is trying to have regular bedtimes. Persevere with that and hopefully the routine will give you a better night’s sleep which is so important.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the diagnosis as often similar conditions are treated with the same medications (at least that’s what I was told).

I think you are doing really well Saree and am glad you have another appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow to see how things stand.

Stay strong and dare to dream for good things ahead xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💝

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Wedding was a nightmare, but I got everything working and under control. My sister was kept fairly well out of the drama, the wedding ceremony ran 30 mins late but considering everything it wasn't so bad. My dad and sister thanked me. I get it, they had too because I'm the main reason they all got there with minimal chaos, but it wasn't sincere.

It's hard to explain the dynamics. Im seen as the unreliable, incompetent person so I am never included, but I am the first person they call to pick up the pieces. My partner finds this a little amusing, plus annoying.

I'm in rapid crash mode. the psychiatrist has just wanted meds up but realised its too quick of an increase, so revies in 2 weeks. but i can't anymore, just can't.

Actually left work and came home - pretty sure I've ruined my job, but really don't care.

Jojo, i don't know how you find the strength to keep going. 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done for getting through your sister’s wedding. I remember going to my cousin’s wedding when I was going through a really low depressive episode. I felt like absolute hell, but felt obliged to be there.

You ask me how I keep going? The reason I can is because of the medications I am taking. They keep me really stable without any problems from side effects. Without that I would still be on the roller coaster of highs and lows and in and out of hospital.

Trust your psychiatrist with the adjustment of your meds so that he can fine tune your treatment. This sometimes can take time, but it is really worth it.

How are you eating and sleeping now?

You are stronger than you think Saree you will get through this time. There will even come a time in your life when you will look back and laugh at some of the things that happened to you - at least that’s what I experienced.

When I was manic I said and did some funny things, yet at the time I was totally serious. I hope with time you too will find humour helps with healing of your experiences.

Hang in there you can do this xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐