Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Just Sara]

Hi again SN;

You're doing so well on here lovely, it's great you feel confident enough to continue sharing. Your words are bound to be seen by others who feel the same, so the more we all connect, the more we'll be helping them as well as you. Btw, my tears aren't about sadness, they're about compassion and empathy. Please don't worry ok.

It was 1972 when I was 11. As I didn't utter a word to anyone, and the incident became lost in my vulnerable inexperienced mind, I focused on my 3 younger sisters to try and keep them safe. It became a lifetime of protective instincts that saw me employed in the helping professions most of my adult life. That's why I'm here as a peer supporter. There were no tests back then, not like today with Aids, HepB, STD's and psychological assessments. Is this what you mean by 'tests'?

My relationships? Hell yeah! By not acknowledging my internal screaming, I acted out subconsciously. The mind has a way of seeking out people who can bring out hidden guilt, shame and self loathing. They found me, and I found them...abusers; don't worry about this for now

Not disclosing to your GP and psych, won't help you at all. In fact it'll make matters worse trying to deal with this on your own. As I've said, your unconscious behaviour will mirror your pain, unless you learn to address your internal confusion, and new ways of communicating.

Being oversensitive to touch by anyone is totally normal. You've had your mind, body and soul invaded by an experienced, loathsome predator. Trust is the part of us most damaged by sexual assault and is one of the main causes of anxiety/depression. But with the right support, it can be managed. Remember, you've been severely injured, just like in a car accident.

Right now, you're in the aftermath of trauma; this makes decisions difficult. You're raw with emotions and fear, so telling a professional might seem like reliving it over again. It will be hard, no doubt. It's nothing they haven't heard before though, and will support you through it.

As with me, they won't judge you, or tell you you're wrong to feel the way you do. You're absolutely entitled to feel whatever. Just know it's learning to cope that's needed at this time; things progress from there.

It's moments like this I want to reach thru my screen and hug you. I'm in your corner ok. The more courageous you are, the easier it'll become. You are #1 priority in your life...

Sincere and warm thoughts..

Sara

[Starwolf]

Hello again, Startingnew.

There is a huge gap between understanding something intellectually and knowing it to be true in the depth of your heart. Trauma causes patterns of thoughts to become entrenched in the brain. For example the feelings of shame and dirtiness left by sexual abuse. Due to the physical invasion factor, those patterns are not easy to budge.

That's what therapy will help you to do.

To answer your questions, I'm an oldie. In those days, no tests were done. Nothing at all was done for that matter. It wasn't even talked about. The general attitude was to keep it under wrap. But of course, if left unattended, trauma festers and its toxicity spreads to every corner of our inner world.

My therapy was mostly a do it yourself project (I studied psychology, did a lot of research). I also had terrific mentors. I couldn't have done it alone.

As for the impact of rape on future relationships, I'm a bit the odd one out so I can't help you there. Those who know of the rape incident but didn't know me before it automatically assume that my lack of interest for intimate relationships was caused by it. Strangely enough, it was the other way round. 2 of the guys involved were actually young men whose advances I had politely but firmly rejected before. Because I was not interested in sexual relationships. Whether this is due to a childhood of physical and emotional abuse OR personal disinclination is hard to tell. There is a long history of loners on my father's side of the family. A few lifetime bachelors and spinsters...by choice. Anyway, the worst thing about it is that I actually liked both men and thought I could trust them as friends. The other 2 were only vaguely known to me and were just opportunists who tagged along for a free thrill.

I have experienced that abuse sets you up for more toxic relationships later... until psychological issues are resolved.

I have since experimented in that area, both with the odd male AND female partners, found to my relief that I could enjoy sex with both but still can't see any big deal in these brief moments of pleasure. So I could probably have had a "normal" relationship...if I had been so inclined. But I'm not. I have never felt the need for pairing up.

What I can tell you is that I have not been troubled by PTSD symptoms for over 25 years. So recovery is possible. It has been a long uneven road to travel but I am nothing special. Different, yes...but so is everyone else !

It can be done.

[startingnew]

yeah i constantly feel ashamed and like i should have done more esp since i was 16 and i knew it was wrong 😞

im not interested in getting another boyfriend or having any other intimate relationships but its not just intimate either, even going to my podiatrist for example, they have to feel around my foot obviously but i feel really awkward and uncomfortable yet i can talk to them before they start and afterwards and im fine its just that physical contact . it makes me feel sick and weird and really uncomfortable.. i wont see amale gp or any other health professional i wont see a male at all.

[startingnew]

hi Sara- if i may call you that...?

i dont really feel confident in talking about it but i think the more i share hopefully it will allow others to not be afraid. and the more i share the more help i can get to be 'better'.

im glad they werent sad tears, you had me worried.

yes those are the tests i mean, i havent disclosed any of it to my gp partly 1 because im a chicken and 2 because im scared shes going to get me to get tests done and im tryng to avoid it.

im dealing with much mental and physical pain as well i dont know how much more i can cope with and how much more embarrassment i can get myelf into.

i cant stand being touched by anyone at all not even females which makes appointments awkward. i was 14 when i fisrt had a boyfrind but broke but before the abuse started but i often wondered if hsi intentions were the same.

im not courageous at all and i dont feel the slightest bit brave. im really struggling badly, really really badly.

thank you for your hugs, i can feel them coming through the screen 🙂

[startingnew]

not coping one bit, im really struggling to go on 😞

im in so much pain physically and emotionally i dont even know what to do with myself

[Just Sara]

My dear SN;

I hear you ok. I know it's difficult, so I really want you to consider going straight to your GP or local hospital. You sound really distraught hun, I'm concerned.

Helplines like BB's 1300 224 636 or Lifeline on 131114 are available anytime to talk.

I usually call the Rape Crisis Hotline on 1800 424 017 where I've had ongoing quality assistance from trained clinical psychologists in Rape Intervention and Support (24/7). I allow them to keep a file on me too, so when I call they have a history to help them support me better. Their knowledge has blown me away, and helped me thru many horrible times. You don't have to tell them your name ok.

I don't understand the physical pain you're experiencing. Could you expand on this for me?

Anxiety can cause secondary issues in the body like muscle soreness, (back, shoulders and neck is common) intestinal or digestive problems, headaches and nausea. Adrenaline and cortisol will accelerate heart rate and the body's fight/flight responses thinking it's in danger.

Over time this becomes stressful on the entire body, including the brain and sympathetic nervous system. Please remember that anxiety can't kill you!

Do you have a good medication and treatment plan to support sleep and coping? Without telling your psych and GP about what happened, treatment will only address symptoms and not the cause.

I need to say that I'm not a health care professional so my opinions are based on personal experience and knowledge. Please check with your GP and talk about what I've said if you feel unsure; please don't try and do this alone.

My advice for you is to use whatever resource that's out there to help you heal. Recovery is a process; as with maths, you learn the basics first, the more advanced stuff will follow.

This too shall pass...

Sara

(yes it's fine to call me this...hugs)

[startingnew]

I just cant do it anymore Sara. I just cant 😞

I feel nauseous and im not sleeping much. Ive got headaches and an injury that i have is causing me a bunch of grief with massive shooting pains going through my leg and foot.

My chest feels like its so closed in its choking me. My heart is racing a thousand miles an hour.

Im tired and exhausted and i can't do it anymore. Im terriffied of everything and i hate it.

Im on SSRI and antipsych meds. I dont like taking them much either but i guess i have not choice.

[startingnew]

Yeah im struggling alot sara

I dont want to do it anymore 😞

Im not strong enough

[Just Sara]

Hi SN;

Please call someone or get to a hospital. I totally get how painful and confusing things are. But suffering at home isn't going to help. You are strong, even though you don't think you are. We all go thru that.

I want to assist you to find enough strength to call the Rape Crisis Line (above). I've lived that pain by managing to get thru each moment one by one. I did this for months while experiencing psychosis and delusions as well as frightening anxiety/panic. I slept very little and rarely left my house. But I did it!

And you can too with the right support. I'm here ok. Please seek help NOW!

Sara (Warm hugs)

[startingnew]

Im sick of having nausea and chest pains. Having no energy. Having a racing heart. Sweating and shaking all the time

Having an old injury causing me alot of pain.

I can not do it