New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Continued on

I've struggled with trusting myself as a man I've been asked out quite a few times by girls but I've turned them down becuase I've been scared that ill end up like my dad and hurt them, I know that I really couldn't hurt anyone or anything but I've always got that fear in the back of my mind.

Yeah I wish my dad would move out but he won't mums threatens to a couple times but I don't think he'll ever leave.

i eventually hope to start my own business taking animals into schools and teaching kids, I've volentered at a few zoos i was at one for 2 years and I've worked with monkeys, giraffes, cheatahs and all kinds of animlas. I get allot of enjoyment out of it.

Try drawing your image first and then go other it with yellow and then slowly build up from there with your painting it is very differnt from drawing but it just takes practice if you can draw you can do any medium. Yeah ok I'll use one of my drawings as my avatar I'm not sure how it looks but I can give it a try. And yeah it makes sense when you say you get upset then you can't draw I'm the same if I'm not in the mood and I try I just end up angry with myself becuase I can't get it right.

yeah I went on medication for migraines I had when I was younger and they cuased me to put on a lot if weight I put on 30kg in a month or something like that they also coursed nerve damage in my fingers and toes so I don't have any feeling in them anymore wich makes things difficult I had to leave school becuase of it. I thinks that's why mums so scared of tablets. You'll get there with your weight it just takes time it really took me a long time to lose my weight. No problem and Yeah unfortunately a lot of men seem to have pretty high stand as to how women should look but if someones no good on the inside it dosent matter how they look on the ouside their still no good.

no I didn't get to talk about seeing someone unfortunately, mums still not really up for that it's something I'm going to have to work on the person I saw today was a kinesiologist I know it sounds weird but she deals with depression a lot so she was ok.

[startingnew]

Thats understandable about tour driving. Noe maybe yout mum could teach you in your ute around the farm to start with and then in town....

Your special place sounds pretty amazing. Sounds really peaceful and a good getaway place for you. Lets hope you get to go there soon.

Talking to you is fine. If i didnt want to be here i wouldnt be. You dont need to be ashamed. You sound like one of the good ones ; the rare ones in society. The idiot in my past can stay there where he deserves to be but like you while its not as good as yours my mind remembers pretty much everything except some of my studies which is a pain.

Sounds like your trustworthy and respectful to be listening to our women's problems. It makes me cringe at half of the stuff i cant imagine what it does to men! But shows that she trusts you.

i suppose it would be like me hanging around men and talking their bussiness. Kinda awkward hey.

[Pysis]

Oh ive been driving since I was 4 around the farm so that's not really the issue, it's more I'm nervous on the roads and being out there with other people. I've done 41 hours of driving so far so I'm slowly getting there but I have to do 120 hours to get my license.

im glad your ok talking to me I've enjoyed talking to you it's nice to think someone understands and cares. Thank you o try and be a good person but I really do doubt myself a lot, it seems no matter what I do my mum still can't trust that I'm not my dad and I'm not going to be him she gets me really down sometimes.

Yeah it gets a bit awkward sometimes but I'm ok with that kind of stuff it's just biology if you think about it. It gets wierd a bit becuase she's kind of become like my sister so yeah. But I listen cause I love her, I ended up teaching myself a lot about women's stuff becuase she was worried about something it's kind of wierd I know but I was trying to understand so I could help her. I don't really know if she trusts me much anymore though she used to talk to me about everything but now I don't hear from her at all she has a new job and is busy but still I kind of feel forgotten a bit. I think her husband got a bit jealousy of my friendship with her, he's pretty abusive in his own right sometimes. I don't see her like that at all though she's 18'years older than me and has 4 kids that are ore family to me than most of my real family so it's just weird for me to even think about her like that, but I guess her husband might of thought differnt. I was going to start the business with her earlier in the year and I've never seen her so excited but then she talked to her husband about it and everything changed, I really miss her.

[startingnew]

Ahh yes cause your on a property i suppose you would learn from an early age. Pity city driving isnt like paddock bashing hey.

I got my 120hrs up so quick and now i travel almost 200ks in a week if its busy enough.

I've enjoyed talking to you too and getting to know you more.

Your mum is scared of your dad so she probably has the same fears about men as you do. Like she cant trust them and they are all the same even though its not the case. The only way to show her your not is to not act like him which you arent. Maybe make breakfast everynow and then. Small things count.

Its hars to let go of the people we love and are close to. It sounds like you guys were pretty close and i think her hubby has the problem not her in regards to seeing you.

i hope in time you can speak to her again and make more connections as well. Males or females.

[Pysis]

Yeah it would be so much easier if it was like paddock driving,haha. Yeah we start driving pretty early here but unfortunately we start drinking a bit earlier to I had my first taste of beer when I was 2 so I started real early and when I was 13 I drank a fair bit I don't drink anymore but it's not something I'm proud of.

that's really good that you got your hours up quick. It must get tiring driving that much my mum dose a lot of kms to she get really tierd.

im glad you've enjoyed talking to me as well, it's been nice.

Yeah my mum hasn't had much luck with men unfortunately, relationship she was in before my dad was really physically abusive he beat her a lot she got pregnant to him as well, so I had an older brother but he died at birth. Yeah I cook dinner a few nights a week and do the washing and stuff, I'm also the one she comes to talk to her problems to. It frustrates me sometimes becuase I'm not allowed to talk about dad at all but she's always complaining to me about dad, it's hard becuase I've never really had anyone to hear what's been going on for me.

yeah she is my best friend and she's the friend I was trying to help while I was sick, I don't know wether it's becuase of her new job or its her husband but things have definitely changed. She was the one I was massaging when I'm had panic attacks as well. I only really have to friends a man and a woman but she's definitely some one that I never thought would leave my life. I've watched her kids grow up and I really love them like my family I'd do anything for any of them but at the moment I don't feel like I'm part of their reality anymore. I hope I can make more friends to it's hard becuase I've never really got on with people my own age I've always found them a little immature, I don't really get on with men much and women always think I'm hitting on them but I'm not I'm just being me and I'm naturally nervous and a bit awkward.

[Pysis]

I'm pretty nevous right now I've got to go to this workshop that my boss wants me to go to, it's the last thing I, going to do with this but I'm nervous about what's she's going to say. I'm really not looking forward to it.

[startingnew]

Hey i dont have time to write my full response but i wanted to let you know your in my thoughts and wishing you well for today

[Pysis]

Thank you.😃

[startingnew]

Hey Nath


hows the day treating you? Is that one of your drawings!?


Haha paddock driving is quite fun. One of our friends before they sold up had a massive property and I was allowed to drive the ute while people were throwing hay out to the cows or it would be the other way around. I nearly fell of the back once doing that as there was a hole in ground but we couldnt see it so as I was throwing hay out I nearly ended up over the outside haha.
I dont drink at all though I did have one at a family bbq but it was at my house so I didnt have to drive and Im not really an alcohol drinker. It not something im interested in.


yeah its quite tiring and my jobs are quite physical so when im not driving then im doing physical things.


There really are some dreadful people out there, not just men either but just people as women can be pretty dreadful as well. Its good that she is able to talk to you. Why dont you start by saying small things to your mum about your dad. Maybe some of the smaller concerns that shes been telling you, some thigns she can relate to you with and then work up to the more bigger things.






Its a shame when good things change. It also makes it hard because we miss them but dont realy know what to do about it either. So its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place isnt it.


Oh thank god im not the only one! I cant relate to people my own age- im 20 btw. Its so hard to when youve had to grow up fast. While others are out drinking, smoking, dating and things like that its like we are stuck at home with responsiblities or fears to leave the house.
When im around other people esp my age I find it really hard to relate to what they are talking about. I dont really have friends now, ive got 2 older ladies but im nervous around them for some reason. The only thing is our intersts match and thats with the horses.
I remember quite a few times when I was in high school people are talking about the weekend and what they got up to most of the time parties drinking or having 'fun' with boyfriends/girlfriends and im here like oh yea I watched the kids or having to be around that male in my house. So quite a big difference between mine and their ages in a way really.

[Pysis]

Gday star

my day turned out to be no where as bad as I thought it was going to be my boss didn't talk to me much at all so she didn't have a chance to say anything to me thank god. I just put on a brave face like usual and pretend like I was interested and I joking myself but really I was really bored and I just wanted to get out of there. It certainly wasn't the once in a life time chance my boss made it out to be and I knew that before I went I didn't learn anything that I could teach myself or didn't already know, I'm glad she didn't make me pay the $300 dollars she was charging for it the only people that turned up were my bosses family and friends anyway.

yeah that's one of my drawings from my latest exhibition on birds it's the only one that I thought would look any good at that small a scale.

yeah padock bashing is heaps of fun I get a bit silly though sometimes and drift and stuff just to scare my brothers just a little when they are enjoying me but they have to push me really far for me to do that. It's the only thing I've found that shuts them up for a bit. I've fallen out the back of a ute it's not fun dad took off when I though we were getting out to check the sheep and I just went straight out he did them same thing with my middle brother as well after he just got his arm out of a cast.

Sory I forgot to ask what you do for a job and what your studying I got a but raped up in myself a little yesterday sorry.

Oh I know there are some Nash women out there I've come across a fair few the main bulky I had at primary school was a girl, boys tend to just hit you and call you names but girls play mind games. yeah I've tried for years to talk to my mum about stuff but as soon as I mention dad she shuts down the conversation down its not so much that she's scared of him but it's that she's really angry so she just dosent have any patience around it. She didn't even know he used to beat me and my middle brother till earlier this year and she still couldn't deal with it much. My best friend knows more about everything than mum.