My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Mr_Cool]

The more I hear these repeated stories the more I see the need for more information and support is needed. Yes it's sex, and it's really really important for so many reasons. So many people, mostly men but women as well that feel trapped in love/sex less relationships. Yes please keen to hear updates.

[UpNDown]

I replied to this thread a bit of over 12 months ago if you want to refer back to it. Similar story to the others.

Since that time nothing has changed, I continue to remain silent on the problem with the view that raising it will only invite complaints about something I doing wrong. Probably either way I'll be making things uncomfortable.

Also since my last post we have thrown a baby into the mix. You would imagine that I now also take a back seat to that as well. I've mentioned similar in another thread about babies etc. and how despite me raising two kids in a previous relationship (as their mother was a lazy drop kick - don't get me started about that one) that I apparently have no idea what to do with a baby and can't do anything right therefore get nearly almost excluded from everything, meaning I have no clue as to what many of the daily routines are.

My lows are now lasting longer than before and are more severe. She doesn't even seem fussed now that I'm visibly down (I know due to a colleague asking about me looking sad one day) and don't make any attempts of any kind of physical contact anymore for fear of rejection kicking me down further.

[blondguy]

Hi Apollo

Sorry to butt in...I hope you are well and a new thread on this topic would'nt hurt anyone...My Best...Paul

[Jacko777]

Hi UpNDown,

Sorry to hear how you are going mate, I know the struggle can be tiring and tedious, I know how you feel.

I think you would most certainly benefit from some time with a counsellor, start sorting out the various aspects of the problem. Do you have a mate or a family member you can talk to about this stuff? It helps me to talk stuff out, gets it off your chest but also you get to hear your self, become the witness self.

In the end I have to be true to my self, I have to make sure I am still doing the other things in my life that are important to me. I ask myself, who am I if my partner is not present? What do I do for my self, that brings me satisfaction and happiness and growth. Then I take small steps to be doing those things, there is the old saying, 'you can't change where you are overnight, but you can change the direction you are heading in, overnight.' Decide that things are looking up, practice focusing on the positive, and you are allowed to calmly point out to your partner that she is not being her self. I go for long periods of 'being quiet' too but I don't think it works well for me, being calm when you speak out is vital though I think. Hang in there mate.

Jack

[Mr_Cool]

Sorry to hear that.

Do you have any local support?

Raising issues can be difficult if you are coming from a perceived position that's less important than your partner. Especially if you're getting the " you are the problem" messages.

I found that getting your own act together is really important. Look after yourself first, as you need to be strong in yourself. Healthy lifestyle, exercise and do something to make yourself smile. Watch some comedy, a funny movie, etc.

Then you can start making changes and improving your life in all the other areas. As mentioned by others, It often seems to be a whole lack of attraction thing. Being a better person, not being hurt by the nasty comments (that's a tough one) and taking up activities that you like doing. Sport or social group, mates, join a club. Don't be mean but certainly don't be the nice guy, men should be men. I had a women talk to me about that recently, she was in her late 50's and she wanted a man that was a man, did manly stuff and wasn't a wimp.

I think we try to help too much and become a "friend". Instead of showing leadership and being in charge. It can be difficult to start as you may already be framed as weak in her mind, but it can change, just won't happen overnight,

In the face of negative comments, you could just smile, shake your head "say don't talk to me like that" and walk away. Scary at first, but you'll get a huge power rush, and it will help your confidence.

[blondguy]

Hi Mr Cool

Welcome to the forums

I agree with what your female friend said 'about wanting a man to be a man'...It sounds great in theory but in practice I think it might be a stretch.

To quote a guy that speaks his mind...Clint Eastwood..."Marriage is meant to be made in heaven.......so is thunder and lightening"

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi guys. At the risk of having my head bitten off. Can I put my two cents worth in. Toowoomba mentioned that his wife complained of pain when they tried to make love. He also said she refused to seek medical help. I'm 65 and have been celibate for years due to physical pain. At the insistence of my ex I managed to get a specialists appointment. It took nearly 3 months to get said appointment. The specialist (a female) tried to examine me, the pain was so intense she had to stop. She did give an explanation as to the pain. My ex was not satisfied and demanded I get a second opinion. I was able after a further 3 months to see another specialist (male), he tried to examine me, again intense physical pain. Second opinion, similar to first. It took me a long time to build up the courage to get to the specialist as I was embarrassed to admit to needing this help. Anything to do with the physical side of marriage can be extremely embarrassing to a woman. After childbirth it can take a long time for women to internally heal. If a woman believes her hubby loves her regardless, she will respond to touch, kiss etc. If she feels he is wanting something she is unable to provide because of fear of pain, she freezes, possibly because she fears he isn't prepared to listen to her fear of the pain. To most men sex is a physical act, first, to a woman it's emotional, plus physical, but with the emphasis of the emotion. Women are emotional people, men are inclined to be physical first. I'm not knocking men, please believe me, I get on really well with men. There is a dvd called 'How to laugh your way to a happy marriage' by Mark Gungor. Try and download this or get a copy. This dvd covers almost all aspects of marriage including the sexual side. This dvd was recommended to me by a counsellor, so I know how beneficial it can be. I've seen it and enjoyed and learnt from it.

Lynda

[Apollo_Black]

I don't think anyone is going to bite your head off Lynda. I think we all know you are a valued entity in the sphere and draw much respect for the support you provide.

it doesn't mean you're entirely correct however.

i think there's two sides to it. There's a difference when there is a physical vs emotional problem. Medical problems need medical intervention - more lube, hormones, investigations, intervention. If there is a genuine medical problem, then that's the reason. So be it

i think the majority of what we as partners and husbands face - and it's not just men, is that of disruption to what Athol Kay describes as the chain of seduction. I can't remember it all but you have the physical attraction, which feeds into relationship comfort, which feeds into energy, which feeds into how you initiate sex, which feeds into the act of sec itself. Each link needs to be strong. Hence why Mr Cool states that you need to have your physical act together (i.e. Don't let yourself go), then you make sure you're not letting the relationship go (i.e. Not being an idiot, going on dates, keeping a good nest, being the leader in the relationship). Next comes initiation - this is where most guys stuff up (me included). Dr Robert Glover is big on this too - so basically it is the man's roll to initiate sex. Period. It is the man's responsibility to institute sex. It should be done clearly, either verbally or physically or both. None of this gently runner her back when she's turned away from you, or saying "maybe just maybe could we if it's not trouble".... I'm not saying women can't intitiate - they can, but it is the man's responsibility. Weak initiations lose attraction points. It is the woman's responsibility to say no - and no means no. So if you get a no then don't pout. Just go about your business. No big deal. Of course if the no's keep coming then something else is going on. The next step is the act but I'm not going into that here.

[Apollo_Black]

So I think essentially you need to start from the ground up. If you were previously pretty slim and now you're a fat slob fix that. If you used to play music in a band or rode a motorbike with leathers. It gave it away to pander to your partners ever whim then go back to it. Stop doing what's not working - stop trying to please her more and more because you want sex and think you're going to get it by turning everything on to get it. If you're not pulling your weight around the house maybe do that. What is she trying to tell you you're not doing?

theres just so much stuff. If you can work from the ground up and it's still not happening, and it's not medical then it's worth escalating to voice your concerns. At the end of the day if it's not happening and you're not happy and you have done everything you can to be a better man - for your own benefit then move on.

in my case my wife is mentally unstable. I'm positive she has a version of borderline personality disorder and no manner of self improvement helped my situation. She won't seek help and only took offense to me bringing up sex as an issue. She says she doesn't care if she never had it again but ended up on a beach with another guy. We almost separated but she asked for counseling in the final hour. I agreed but she still isn't demonstrating any commitment to reconciliation. She still treats me with contempt and disrespect. We have our second counselling session next week - and I'll update my other thread about that

anyway - back on topic. There is a system you can follow. It is important to know that it may not work for a number of reasons. The important fact is that you are making improvements to yourself for yourself only. If it doesn't work out you're in the best position to find someone who you can get your needs met with

hey Paul, how are you??

[pipsy]

A.B. One thing I never mentioned due to loyalty to an ex (who showed me no loyalty). He was working shift work, plus o/time whenever he could. He was a prison officer and was extremely money orientated. I'm not blaming him entirely, I suppose I should've been more 'forward'. I was a bit shy, but initially I tried, o/time, in our case I did become ultra-dry due to neglect, he was not one to romance me often due to tiredness etc. My actual feelings or desire left me because of being on my own for hours, unable to work, couldn't find work, no transport etc. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I don't blame him more than me, it takes two. My dryness now means an operation, but I sort of feel if there's no romance, why bother. Lubricants don't work for me, tried them, no go. As I said, he never believed how dry I became.

Lynda