My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Alice_in_Wonderland]

Hi Steven1,

I hope the experience with counsellor was better than your previous ones and has given you a chance to vent if nothing else. I think the fact that you are willing to see a counsellor by yourself is a really good sign about your attitude to the relationship and dealing with your own depression in all of it.

It sounds like your wife might benefit from a chat with a counsellor too, but it can be a difficult one to suggest. I am still finding my way to a counsellor, but definitely need to see one. I don't want to make this about me, but I have some more recent thoughts/experiences that might help.

I had a massive meltdown/panic attack at the Drs surgery the other day and the way it was handled made me realise I need to find a new GP. It also made me realise that even though I'm out of the stage your wife is in, I obviously have some deep issues that haven't been dealt with since my son arrived.

I'm realising that motherhood has really messed with my sense of identity and I had started to resent how much my life had changed, while my husband's remained relatively the same. I never thought I would enjoy being back at work, but the mental break it gives me, and the sense of being 'off' mum duty for a few hours and 'on' teacher duty (I'm a teacher) makes me feel like I have a bit of my old self back after feeling lost for quite a while there. I find being solely a stay at home mum much harder than balancing it with a bit of work, which really surprised me as I was so looking forward to being a SAHM and quitting work (lucky I didn't quit!).

[Alice_in_Wonderland]

I can understand it was very hard for you to do much on Mother's Day and I totally get that it's a hard balance and I don't know your circumstances or what your relationship with your parents is like, but I reckon I would have felt a bit resentful of you seeing your mum while I was stuck at home with two young kids all day. You can't go back in time so it's not worth feeling bad about it, but I think giving her another day when you do have the opportunity would be really appreciated.

It can really feel like you are on mum duty 24/7, even when other people are around to help. You just can't switch off. One thing I found really helpful in this regard was when my husband minds our son so I can do activities for me (e.g. exercise, cocktails/coffee with friends, shopping, baking etc.). Anything that gives me some 'me time' where I am physically and mentally away from mum duty. I also do this for my husband so he can work on the car, go to the footy etc. It is so important for both of you to look after your sanity and have some time alone doing things you enjoy and I really haven't been doing that enough. My sister in law books a day like this with her husband every 3 weeks and calls it her RDO.

Hopefully, once your wife has some more 'me time' and less 24/7 'mum time', she may feel a bit more like her old self and have more emotional space for some 'us time'. I was doing exactly the same thing as your wife at night with Facebook and buying baby things online. Honestly, part of it was that it felt like the only time of day where I could have uninterrupted time to get stuff done that I wanted to get done (keeping in touch with people, buying things we needed, asking questions on forums) and part of it was avoiding intimacy because our relationship just felt so awkward. 

[Alice_in_Wonderland]

One night I just turned to my husband and asked 'what is going on with us?' I knew that he was feeling increasingly frustrated and so was I for different reasons. It sounds like you are doing all the 'right' things helping around the house and talking to each other about your days (a great start!), but maybe it's time for a deeper conversation about where your relationship is at and where you would like it to head? Not just talking about sex, but the whole deal. How is she feeling about her life? How are you feeling about your life? What problems do you both have with your relationship at the moment? Try to listen and give each other time to fully express your feelings before giving your perspective on the issue (which is also important for the other person to hear).

Our relationship has vastly improved in all areas since we had this kind of discussion (over a few awkward nights) and now we can just check in with each other every Monday night to see if there are any issues between us that we haven't talked about from the previous week. Having more emotional intimacy (e.g. sharing our true feelings, dreams, fears etc.) naturally lead to more physical intimacy. It is not perfect, but we're both pretty happy with where it is at right now, all things considered. 

Good luck and I really hope you can make some progress in your relationship soon.

P.S. It might be good to say that you would like to talk about your relationship at a time that suits her (in the next few days). Then she can be mentally and emotionally prepared for it like you.

[UpNDown]

I'm in the same situation. I've been struggling with what I believe is bipolar for years (never been diagnosed, but my father is and I'm exhibiting the symptoms) and have learned to identify and control my manic episodes. However my low times are usually triggered by something and quite often it is my wife, and she doesn't know it.

We are completely mis matched in terms of our 'needs'. I adore her and let her know every day. But in response I often get either passive acknowledgement or sarcasm in return. What's the worst thing is if I make a sexual advance more often than not am rejected and I feel gutted. It has come to the point now where I don't make any moves in fear that I'll end up back down in a dark place in my head again. I'd prefer for her to want it but the wait is often long. Our longest that I've been able to count is 21 days. At the moment we're at longer than that but I have lost track.

Some think, sure it's not important, but to me it is. It's how we have been before and my love for her hasn't changed after about six years now. I've raised it with her before and it was the most uncomfortable conversation to have and I can't even remember what the result was but we obviously didn't end up getting anywhere.

I used to come up with exorbitant holidays or weekend getaways with romantic setups so something would happen. Sometimes it did but not to what I was expecting. Eventually that stopped working so I stopped trying. The best success in recent times is when she would go to the odd night out and get completely blind drunk and go into a wild sex frenzy getting home. Not the ideal situation as she is quite a handful after a big session, loses control and forgets about it all the next morning.

One of the big factors was her weight (which never concerned me) then even went through a huge process to lose the weight with the promise of "I'll be more confident and we'll be able to have showers together and more sex...". That's all be done yet I'm still waiting.

There was even a line dropped one day when I said something sort of jokingly about out huge 'dry' periods that I will never forget, "I could go for months without sex". How do you suppose that made me feel?

We've never talked about my issues before. Especially since she has made it clear (due to others we know dumping their problems on her) that she doesn't want to be "dragged into other people's depression". I've simply put on a brave face, worn it and let it cut me up inside.

[Steven1]

Hi there up n down. Thanks for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are having the same issues as me. I know exactly how you feel and can relate to others not understanding or thinking it's no big deal.

I have made some progress I am glad to report. My wife and I had a really good talk the other night and I spilt exactly how I have been feeling about the breakdown of our relationship and non existent sex life. It was a hard talk to have but it made a difference because last night we had our first sexual experience since Christmas last year. And she initiated it. 

I have been to counselling once so far and was meant to go again yesterday but the psych was sick so have rescheduled for next week. I am pleased to report the first session was really good and I felt the counsellor really listened. 

[Jacko777]

That's great news Steven1, on both fronts! Obviously communication without accusation is a key for all of us.

And welcome UpnDown. I'm sorry to hear how it has been going for you. It's interesting that your wife says she could go without sex for months, kind of means to me that she has a lower sex drive than you, it doesn't mean that she is not attracted to you. Keep communicating with each other, tell her how you feel.

Jack

[LittleLost]

Hello, I haven't read all the posts I'm sorry. I did want to comment though. I can very much relate to how you feel and I too take it personally. The only difference is... I'm a girl. It's my husband who isn't interested in me. I have talked to him about it, written him a letter, dressed in sexy things in his favourite colours, told him I want sex etc. nothing changes. I feel so undesirable and lonley. It hurts a lot and I'm so embarrassed 

[Sparkz]

I have a question for you Steven1,

If your partner was to continue as is, very little sex, would you leave or just continue on status quo?

 I'm in a similar position as many, many other men. I've looked around at hundreds of posts about this sort of situation generally the pattern is the same:

1. Guy not getting any, ranges from once a week to once a year or less.

2. Guy loves his wife/gf and presumably wife/gf loves him back.

 3. Woman often is 'too tired' or something similar <---- this comes up a lot. I'll come back to this.

4. Man tries to do whatever he thinks it takes to address that 'too tired' problem.

 5. It doesn't change a thing, not for very long at least.

I see it time and time again, it does not work to 'do more chores' or whatever you think will help her not be 'too tired', not for 90% of the stories (I followed lots along to the end of the thread). It could be higher than 90%. In fact I can't remember a single thread/story that ended 'I did more of the work around the house and now we have sex all the time, it's great, thanks everyone'.

Many of these people and their partners sought councilors. Sometimes it helped, more often than not nothing changed.

Now lets look at this 'too tired' comment.

I ask you to think back at exciting times in your life. Times when you were most certainly tired, but still did rather physical activities. Skirmish is a great example for me, even if I'm really tired the moment I start to get into skirmish gear I start to get rather excited and I have plenty of energy for the next 2 or so hours. Adrenalin and all that. The point is, the emotional excitement is plenty enough to overcome and physical feelings of tiredness. It doesn't even have to be anything adrenaline pumping, think of those times were you are again tired and just thinking away in your head, when all of a sudden you realise the solution to a problem you are having, BAM you start to get aroused and wake up, physical tiredness be damned.

Well, what happens if this 'too tired' is more a problem of "I'm not aroused by you"  In other words, 'at the moment I'm not attracted enough to you to have sex'. Then the question becomes one of 'What reasons could it be she is not attracted to me' rather than 'what do I have to do to make her feel less tired'. The answers to each question can be very, very different.

[fj_1980]

Hi Steven, I can sympathise with you and your situation because I have been there, with both of my wifes.

It was very different with my first wife, all she wanted was a child and after pressuring me within the first year of our relationship to have a baby, I gave in and she was pregnant very quickly. After his birth I soon realised that all I was was a sperm donor. I stayed for 6 1/2yrs after our sons birth trying to make things work and not wanting to walk out and leave him. When did have sex I could tell it was only for my benefit so I didn't enjoy it and it didn't last all that long as a result. I honestly thought it was me and because I couldn't perform she didn't want me. Ultimately a few months before she threw me out I said I needed more, she was completely cold, no affection, nothing, she said she wanted to make it work, nothing changed though. Not long after that we had a fight over her texting other guys all the time and she said she couldn't do it anymore and wanted me out. I left and a few days later found out she had been seeing two other guys. I was gutted because I had tried for so long to get her to talk about things and fix it and going elsewhere was her choice. Im not saying this is like your situation but for years I felt the same as you. For me sex was the only time there was any affection, she just thought that all I thought about was sex, but it was the affection that really did it for me.

I am re-married now and my wife and I really enjoy sex, even after 4yrs. My first sexual encounter after I split with my first wife showed me that it wasn't me, it was her that was the problem. My current wife had out first child in December last year. It took several months for things to get back on track and it took me sitting down and saying I needed more, we used to hold hands everywhere, cuddle in the kitchen whilst cooking dinner, snuggle on the couch etc, it had all but stopped, we both played a part. My wife was going through much the same as mentioned in this thread, body image issues, being tired etc but she realized that once she took the plunge and we had sex it was amazing and she wanted more, for a while there it was almost every night. It slowed down a month or so ago due to teething causing the bub to keep her up a lot, but she is still making the effort.

I was happy to hear you guys had been able to talk. Hopefully now the ice is broken it will increase slowly. Sometimes its that first step that is the hardest.

[Steven1]

Hi  Sparkz. I am glad that you posted - I was just thinking about how the situation hasn't been improving and was going to post again to get some ideas off everyone.

I can't imagine leaving my wife but I also can't imagine going through the frustration and feelings of rejection that I feel at the moment for the rest of my life either. It is now August and we have had sex once this year (I see I posted back in May). Again there are plenty of excuses from my wife to avoid intimacy. Just this week she sent me a text message saying I was sexy and hinted she would initiate something that evening. Then after dinner she said she felt sick so that was the end of that. Last night it was that she was too tired. To me it feels as though she avoids me at all costs. I try to bring it up but she dismisses it like I am being ridiculous.

I went to 6 sessions with a psychologist (paid through work) but they finished and work wouldn't fund anymore sessions. My wife attended 2 sessions with me. We didn't explore her avoidance of intimacy because she said she didn't feel comfortable talking about it with a stranger. I thought that was quite immature but she didn't want to go there so what can I do?

The psychologist talked to me about "setting the mood" for intimacy. I know what he is talking about but unfortunately we don't have time for romantic dinners and walks along the beach like people in the movies do. We have a 4 month old baby and a demanding 3 year old. Babysitting is at a premium. It's not that easy! A few years ago we didn't need romantic evenings to have sex -  we just did it when we wanted to. That is long gone.

I am really confused and feeling hopeless about the whole situation now. I don't know what to do