My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

Okay BrotherM!

Dad and Son - YES, they are family but to me...different levels.

That may seem strange to you, but never having a dad - I just dont get the dynamic.

I wish I did.

And, I guess this is all part of a learningness for me, so that when I am a dad, I will already know how to process all this!

So, it is a 'big' thing to me, and I am grateful that youre here to help me with this!

Bro means that we are equals, to me.

Dad and Son means one is older (hopefully!!!), and there is a 'power' play at hand.

Which is natural - the dad must have some 'power' over the sons safety etc, until the son grows.

I just despise being controlled.

But, thank you for respecting my boundaries.

---

See?

If only the rest of the world were as cool, and as on-to-it, as we are! <-jokes.

But, I do reckon that the world would be a happier place, if they looked at how we communicate with each other.

We are different in many ways, and yet we are the same in many ways of thinking too.

And yet, we are able to accept and understand each other.

We are both intense, as you put it, but yet we have respect for each others passionate outlook on life!

I will post my HWJT a little later as well...some things are still in process.

MuchLove&CrackUpness

[1113]

Its funny cos my son is my bro too,

Everything you are teaching me I am teaching him.....but of course at his level of understanding. We are having some emo intel time, my boy and me, which is what i am passing on to him.......that you are passing on to me. But i filter it to suit him. I just repeated myself. Oh well. You better read it twice.

I don't control him, i have always taught him independence. It very important for him to make his own decisions. When he makes up his mind.......he does it whole heartedly.

If you try to control him he backs off. But slowly allow him to come to the right decision ( with some subliminal coaching) and its all go.

Can you relate?

Your already parenting.............

Daddy matt

[SourceShield]

p.s.

Bro,

Just a little fun exercise for me to get to know you better...

What do you know about your totem animals?

What animals to you have the most affinity to?

Mine are very NZ focused.

1) Te Karearea - The NZ Falcon.

I admire their gracefulness.

2) Te Aihi - The NZ Dolphin.

I admire their clarity.

3) Te Taniwha. The NZ Dragon.

I admire their courage.

4) Te Kuri. The NZ Dog.

I admire their loyalty.

We have four totems.

To represent --

Earth

Air

Fire

Water

---

Have you ever considered what your totems could be?

No stress if you havent.

Doesnt have to be 'ozzy' based, for you...they can be whatever you want them to be!.

Or not, just a nice break from all the 'serious' chat.

And, a possible way to psychoanalyse each others choices...

My people have interesting proverbs and chats in regards to our animal family.

Like...

"Kaua e mate wheke mate ururoa"

Literally means: Don't die like a octopus, die like a hammerhead shark.

Octopus are renown for their lack of resistance when being captured, however a hammerhead shark will fight bitterly to the end, to the point that when you fillet it fresh, its meat quivers.

Commonly used to encourage someone not to give up, no matter how hard the struggle is!

What would your totem animals be, brotherM?

MuchForMuchness.

[SourceShield]

OhhhhMan!

You wrote -

"I just repeated myself. Oh well. You better read it twice".

That just cracked me the fudge up.

For real.

I just did the major LOL.

An UltraLOL.

ULOL.

I LOL.

We all LOL.

And, yes - I can totally relate to what youve wrtten, as well.

Thank you for pointing that out to me.

Seriously.

Its just a foreign concept for me...dad&son.

I am good with the, Teacher&Student dynamic.

Even the, Master&Disciple dynamic...of The Jedi, for example.

But Dad&Son...foreign!.

Im glad that youre here to teach me this.

I really do wanna be a dad.

Im not even joking about that one, at all.

I joke a lot, I know.

But on that one...thats a major aspiration.

MA.

I know you really are focusing on being a dad right now, but have you thought about the future?

Will you go back to Cheffing?

Just curious, thats all...

MuchLove

BrotherKaitoa.

[1113]

Bro,

Haha didn't realize haha

Cooking is in my blood. So yes probably.

The totum post I can't reply to because i can't even answer these questions in my emo intel book:

Knowing my strengths and weaknesses........


What are your five greatest strengths?


What do you consider your greatest or signature strengths?


How have your signature strengths helped you deal with adversity?

How can you use your signature strengths in different or new situations?



What are your weaknesses?



What one thing do you want to change about yourself?



How would you go about making that change?

Honestly cannot get my head around it...............

Gone blank............

Just got nothing.....

Mental block......

Something blocking me.....

Why..........??????????????????

85 library's to go.

My hwjt today was to hard for me today. I got to make it reachable for me.

How did yours go?

Peace

Grasshopper time.

[SourceShield]

p.s.

That post from this morning is there now.

Yay.

I will write my HWJT soon...

[1113]

Bro,

You do what you gotta do

You have my support.

On another parenting note,

You said "I know your focusing on being a parent" etc etc.

Well......being a parent is not something that you can just focus on. Its bigger than that. It's a duty.....no bigger than that......I can't put a word to it. I can't just put it down when im finished....like a book.

This you will understand one day.

I just answered one of those questions. Greatest strenghts!!!!!!

Peace out.

[SourceShield]

Oi Grasshopper!

---HWJT---

I too struggled with my HWJT today.

My struggle is with resistance.

As mentioned, Ive resisted goodness from coming into my life, because I have believed that I am not good enough for any goodness.

So, when it did come into my life -

I either push it away aggressively (Fight Response).

Resist it (Flight Response).

Or, reject it (Freeze Response).

So, I feel that I am resisting doing all these good things for myself, because I have had this limiting belief, that I am not worthy...for most of my life.

How do I deal with this?

Reframe the belief.

Talk about it having been in the past, and then focus on where you are heading.

See that this belief is now a belief I once had, but no more.

i.e.

I had a limiting belief that I was unworthy <- In the past.

I am now uploading a new belief system that supports me <- The present moment.

I am courageous, compassionate and strong <- The new belief pattern that I am now uploading.

We simply reverse-engineer the way the limiting-beliefs work.

We acknowledge its presence in our past life, and affirm the new direction that our life is heading.

---

Do you require some assistance with identifying your strengths etc, I can help you with those questions, if you like?

---

You may have 85 Libraries...but my one library, is the size of the planet Jupiter!.

---

Can you identify any areas in your life, where resistance may be happening?

Or, any areas of your life, or self, that you have rejected?

Areas that you are pushing against?

---

"You have no choice as a professional chef: you have to repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat until it becomes part of yourself. I certainly don't cook the same way I did 40 years ago, but the technique remains. And that's what the student needs to learn: the technique".

--- Chef Jacques Pepin.

So too is it with uploading a new belief system that supports us...we repeat and repeat the new belief, and we keep moving towards that belief.

i.e.

When I upload that I am courageous.

I must consciously move towards courageousness, as often as I can.

Until courage become a natural part of who I am.

We go from not knowing a recipe, to knowing how to prepare and cook it.

Whats in-betweeen?

Following Method - Technique.

Practise - Just doing it, getting on with life.

Eventually, it all sinks in, and we have uploaded a new belief system that supports and uplifts us.

Dig it?

Can you relate to any of this?

We lift each other up as we learn.

Peace!.

[SourceShield]

p.s.

You said -

"...it's a duty..."

Duty I understand.

My people are big on that!

And thats exactly why I am going to be a father.

I have always believed being a father is the most important duty, of them all.

I know that I was born to be a father.

MuchAppreciation.

[1113]

Yes I relate.

I need to break it down into sections. I look at the big picture and skim over the top, but by doing this I miss all the in between pieces. Done this my whole life. I race to the finish line. Dont stop to smell the roses.

Ok, so I understand it all really, but I also don't accept it.

My negative belief stops me from accepting I'm good enough to be well again.

I just gotta keep going.

I'm going to make a very structured hwjt that I can realistically achieve. Then actually account for it.

I will add to it when I am able to fully accept and account for every thing I have done. Back to the basics.

I don't need help because I gotta do this for myself. Thanks for the offer.

I dont want words put in my mouth.

I have so many strengths and weaknesses to fill a truck.

I am blocking myself. Resisting at my core.

I am a good person, i don't even have a criminal record.

I have no goal atm.

No direction.

This doesn't mean I'm worthless

I gotta work on this.

This is why I can't answer those questions.

Working on it bro.

Screen time out

Peace