My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Ps

The post is 193

1+9+3=13

13 is the number bro

[SourceShield]

Hey BrotherMatt.

Ive always liked the number 13.

Good number.

I feel the same way about you brother...blessed to have you as a bro as well.

Doubt is a biggie bro!

Did you know that even after the buddha was enlightened, he was still tempted by doubt and delusion?

Do you get what that means?

The Buddha - Master Of Enlightenment - was still merely human like you and me, and even after he was 'enlightened' he still felt doubt.

But of course, Buddha, had it all sussed...when he was feeling doubt, he would ground himself, literally at times...he would feel himself on the earth, and ask the very earth beneath him to give him strength.

This is true for all of us...we all feel doubt...and when we feel it rising, ground yourself, to what is real and true.

Your love for your son - real and true.

You are loved - real and true.

You are doing your best - real and true.

Your taking those bricks down, brick by brick...youre a champion!

Brother Kaitoa.

p.s.

Im really liking all of your ideas re: BroCode.

MuchAwesomeness

[1113]

Kaitoa brother warrior,

Sometimes I get this feeling, or pick up on a vibration. Today is one of those days. It has been a turning point for many. Good things are coming.

Today I did above and beyond my hwjt. Reached out to a friend with pnd. I feel good.

Have a good night

I'm going to hug my boy again

Catch ya tomz

Brother Matthew "gift from yahweh" out

[SourceShield]

MuchLove MattyBro,

I'm proud of you!.

Reaching out to your mate with PND...good man!

You're a healer.

I knew it!.

And much-sensitive to, The Force, a great Master Jedi you will be!

---

HWJT.

I did some exercise...just not enough.

All else...all good!.

---

I have this - "I'm not good enough", limiting-belief going on.

Can you relate to that, brother?

Okay - I'm gonna share again...

So, Ive been reading all these compliments from all these lovely people on BB.

They say that..I'm a nice guy etc etc etc...thats all good.

BUT...

Theres a part of me, that wants to resist and reject all the goodness, 'cause that part of me still wants to believe that I am not good enough.

I find it so hard to just accept that I am a good man.

How could I be?

I cant even fully write all the 'sins' that I have committed!.

But...and its making me really anxious writing this...but, I just wanna be free now.

Do you get that?

Like its a burning desire inside of me that cant be quenched!.

Freedom has become so important to me...I still catch myself getting frustrated but now, I dream of freedom.

Does that even make sense to you?

---

I know I keep harping on about it but I think that writing, on these forums, helps me to get it all out...feel it all out...and then make my mind up from there!.

Like many on these forums, I love to write.

Im not a professional editor though, and my writing can run away with me...but writing is helping me to understand and love myself, in a healthy way, so much more.

---

What music do you like, bro?

---

I'm really into hip-hop at the moment.

I never really used to be at all.

But now, all I hear is the poetry.

I love it.

Kendrick Lamarr - he's a crazy cool cat!

Dr Dre, Snoop...of course, gotta love the D.O...double...GG!

---

I think that,"The BroCode Thread", needs to be your ship to captain.

You have a strong sense of diplomacy.

I am rather outspoken.

We balance each other out...but the thread needs to be led by you, BrotherGiftFromGod!.

Just sing out when you wanna get that started...and Im there with ya!

---

Big hugs to the neph...he's a champion, just like his dad!.

---

Will chat with you tomoz, bro.

MuchLove&HipHopMusic.

[1113]

Morning warrior,

I'm just going to remind you about XP.

Every morning when I wake my first thought, well Its more of a feeling, is I'm not good enough. Yes I relate. It's extremely hard for me to write on this forum because of this. It has nothing to do with what others think of me, but everything to do with what I think about myself.

Freedom is a strong belief of mine, but I am free. It's only my thoughts shopping my freedom.

Brother you are more free than you believe. I believe that you are free. Just know that!

My taste in music is like my taste for food. I appreciate everything equally. I listen to the story being told and relate to it instantly. I feel I can understand why the words are said, the feeling trying to be portrayed. It's a pattern of personalities, art or like you said poetry.

Listen to rag'n'bone man.......human. you'll love it. If you haven't already.

Sometimes I feel that my diplomatic personality doesn't allow me to be free. Believe it or not......I admire your ability to be free.

This reminds me of a belief i have with the true nature of the way. Sometimes life is cruel to be kind. Like a warrior.

Hwjt

Believe in myself

Release the fear thought

Release the doubt thought

Realize my limitations of my physical being

Believe in the unlimited strengths of my mind

Snort

Love

Go with the flow. Everything is where it should be to move forward.

End.

Type bro, just keep typing. Because to reach out and help one person releases pain, then all your "sin" are forgiven.

Grasshopper out.

Ps

My limited belief this morning is gone!!!!!!!!!!

Unconditional freedom

[SourceShield]

Thank you, Brother Matthew!

Thank you for your acceptance.

Thank you for your understanding.

Thank you for the XP reminder, as well!

---

Yes - I am free.

Yes - I am enough...just as I am.

I am good enough.

It is only my thinking and thoughts that limit me.

And so it is.

---

Rag'n'Bone man - Amazing!!!

"Human" is a wickedly powerful song!

Love it.

Perfect for me to listen to today...I am downloading all his songs, as I type!

---

HWJT

1) XP - I am gonna post what I do etc, as well, I feel that as I type it all out...it helps me to instil the process into my brain!

2) SNORT

3) Eat Well

4) Studies - Sapolsky!

5) Listen to a Tara Brach Podcast.

6) Appreciate Music

7) Write a poem

😎 Reach Out

9) Walk Bundy

---

I am in a rather thoughtful state of mind at the moment.

Because we dont actually 'know' each other, and because you cant see me, its difficult for me to fully express how much these limiting beliefs that I have had, have ruled my life.

And now, I am finally releasing them.

That feels good but just like with any other addiction...I am feeling 'empty', so used to having my life ruled by these limiting beliefs, that I must now upload new limitless beliefs.

Thank you for being here with me during this process brother.

Sincerely.

I have never faced these beliefs as I am now ready to do so, and that makes me anxious...what if I fail again?.

But, I feel that this time...I am actually putting my hand up and 'saying', I matter, my feelings are valid, and I need a little extra support on this one...to help me through this.

I am a very proud man.

And pride can get in the way of ones healing, as it can become arrogance.

I had arrogantly believed that I could do this journey all alone.

Because, I have never been truly accepted for me.

I am a weirdo, bro.

I'm really NOT like many other people, I think so differently to so many other people out here.

I used to use that as a shield.

To keep myself safe, and to keep others out!

You asked me the other day, do I think that Im down on myself because of my sexuality.

I said, no.

That was true.

But, the full answer is, its not my sexuality that I have judged about myself but the way I view the 'world' compared to so many it seems.

I have tried to fit in, with other modes of thinking, but after a while I just get frustrated, and lash out or move on.

I am learning to be my own parent and to soothe myself when I need soothing.

All is well.

All is as it must be.

Peace.

[1113]

Move forward my son, brother, friend,

That probably sounds really weird. Hahaha

But you get it.

Im only human after all, don't put your blame on me.

I am a parent. So I have some insight into this.

But on that note......this is something that absorbs my weekend.......parenting.

I'll tell you something,

People always ask me if I'm gay...............the truth TRUTH is no. But I am me. Diplomatic understanding non judgmental and a little bit of a.....out of the box thinker. Weirdo is a label or negative self belief.

We are all equal bro,son, friend.

You got a friend here, through thick and thin. While im typing this im cutting with the grain and I want to retreat. I think I am not good enough to be someone's friend.

But here I am, shaking and fighting and typing to change my negative self belief.

My boy will only become a better human because of my courage.

Now I must play minecraft.

Us time. Me and my boy.

Chat later

Ps I just crossed off part of my hwjt by doning this post.

Chef big daddy matt out

[SourceShield]

Bro,

You lost me on the "blame line" -Did you feel that I was blaming you for something?

And, TBH - I have fully accepted the term 'weirdo' - Just like 'gays' have taken back the word 'gay' and now we have fully integrated it into our community.

I see the same with 'weirdo' - I am weird.

I am okay with that, its not the term that I despise but my cowardice.

Do you know the adjective meaning of the word 'weird'?

The archaic, original definition is..."connected to ones fate".

I am that.

I am one that is connected to his fate.

The other day I wrote that - we are born, then we die!.

That is the fate of all humans.

But, whats in-between is ours to 'choose' - how we 'respond' to our life, is the ability that we have to navigate ourselves through all moments, from moment to moment - Tara Brach, is big on this!.

Responsibility - The ability to respond!

I am a 'weirdo', connected to my fate...because I believe that my fate is to be a leader.

There, I admit it.

The reason that I am in OZ, and not NZ, is because I have run away from my role as a leader of my tribe and people.

I have been so weak.

I have been so pathetic.

I have been so cowardly.

I have known that this was my destiny...to be a leader of my people, all my life.

But, I didnt get it when I was a kid.

Then when I was a teenager...I just wanted to have sex, all the time <- lets be honest.

And, that didnt change much as I grew.

But, I am my own man now.

I aint getting any younger.

I have a mission.

A purpose.

I must stop being so selfish, and do this for my family, and tribe.

I finally admit it, for all the 'world' to see.

I have been a coward, but no more.

I have hidden behind my intellect.

I have rested on my laurels.

Taken friendships for granted, because I have been weak.

No more.

Wont happen overnight.

But, I am moving towards my destiny as a leader of my people.

I accept that my fate is safe in the hands of 'Source'.

Also - Bro, please dont refer to yourself as my Dad, or me as your Son...thats just 'weird' <- sarcasm!

Honestly though...I know your 'heart'.

I know what you were getting at but I dont want to think of you as my actual 'big daddy'!.

In my 'community', that has different connotations!

You are my friend and brother, and you are a marvelous father.

Truthfully, all jokes aside...I accept your wise fatherly-spirit!.

You are a good man.

And, I am proud to call you brother and friend.

Do you get into The Jedi Code?

Peace.

[SourceShield]

Bro,

I did reply to your above post...like 3hours ago!

Grrr - my autistical brain is gonna go full on tourettes.

You'd know if your son is 'impatient' - though its not us 'trying' to be impatient, that this kinda stuff does my head in.

I will wait until it is uploaded...and go from there, because I dont want to repeat myself.

But -

Yes, it is weird, you calling me son.

Please dont do that.

Thats a boundary.

Makes me feel rather uncomfy...if I am to be honest...its most probably because I have never known nor had a father figure in my life, consistently.

So now I have issues when men try to 'control' me - not that you did, at all.

But even you calling me son, gets me all sweaty and kinda aggro.

Its not you, obviously.

Just another issue of mine, to get through and release.

But please for now...please dont call me 'son'.

I am SNORTing when I write this, so its all good.

Okay?

Also, I didnt get what you meant by this line -

"Im only human after all, don't put your blame on me".

Do you feel that I blamed you for something?

I hope not.

Never did.

Sincerely.

And, You are good enough to be a friend.

I am grateful for you.

PeaceBro.

[1113]

Bro,

You fully make me laugh out loud.

You are not my s%n. Never will be. Lol

It not a big thing.... cos I can't difffer fatherly love, brotherly love..........love is love.

The quote is from the song......human. after all thats what we are.

Oh and I wont call you s"$ again. But just so you know ....bro means the same to me. Family.

Ive been posting while playing minecraft.

It is funny how things can be distorted in forums.

I was doing two things at once.

I will be post later about hwjt

Funny goose out.