My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

MuchLove Chef Matt!

No - I love dopamine and dope equally!.

[1113]

Bahahahahaha

Bro ive gone past my screen time.

I'll put more effort in my hwjt in the morning.

Also I'll sleep on the bro code stuff.

Love ya

Chef matt out

[SourceShield]

All g, bro!

Sleep well.

Rest easy.

I'm keen to get the bro code going with ya.

Catch ya on the flipside Chef!.

[SourceShield]

McChef McBrozzle McNozzle!

I'm gonna share something with you, that I very rarely, if ever...share about, on this level.

It is my 'kryptonite'.

Its not my weight.

Im actually at a healthy weight.

But, after being obese and then bulimic, my body, this is hard to write, but I have been so ashamed of myself, because of everything that I put myself through.

The hating.

I've also worked in the sex work industry.

So much of my life has been body and sex focused.

It gets really tiring.

Exhausting.

All that focus on 'the body beautiful'.

Vanity is the devil.

But, I am as ready as I will ever be.

I just wanna be healthy, now.

I dont care about being a bodybuilder or dumb stuff like that...but I do wanna be a healthy, and fit dad!.

I really think thats important.

IMHO.

I wanna take my kids to the beach.

Camping in the forest, in NZ.

My tribe have a mountain!

I wanna take my kids up that mountain.

You gotta be healthy, man!

So now, I am asking for your help with this...you gotta really push me on this one, okay?

I already get all the benefits of keeping fit, so lectures dont work with me...but practical application.

If you know of any good exercises.

Resources.

Im now good with my diet.

I guess I needed to get real with the disorder.

Im eating well.

I feel that its this whole limiting belief stuff still - my body is linked to the limiting belief that I AM UNLOVABLE.

Its time for me to let this belief go.

I have to do this now, so by the time I am a dad,

that's all sorted.

Im gonna need your support and encouragement on this one.

Have you heard of HIIT?

High Intensity Interval Training, its good stuff!

And, I have some weights too...I just need a little extra accountability to do the exercise, thats all.

A gentle reminder, if you please!

I'd appreciate your help with that one, bro!

Thanks.

I really do wanna look awesome naked as well, I think we all do, deep down..its an egoic thing.

Welcome To Earth.

But now, its more than that.

I really wanna be just as healthy and well, as I can be.

Seriously man.

I could full a library with all my issues.

You could fill...at least, 87 of them, with all your issues!

JOKES.

Its time to let some go!

Lets get fit man.

I have put together an XP - 'XercisePlan, for myself.

Will post it at another time.

Are you still running man?

I do sprints.

I'm quick...like the wolf!

Holistic Health includes taking good care of the body.

YES!.

[SourceShield]

p.s.

Dont get me wrong - I aint ashamed of working in the sex work industry.

Sex work, is work!

Its more-so about how I have mistreated my body along the way.

But, its time to put all that behind me.

"I'm concentrating on staying healthy, having peace, being happy, remembering what is important, taking in nature and animals, spending time reading, trying to understand the universe, where science and the spiritual meet".

---Joan Jett.

[1113]

Bro,

You never cease to amaze!

When I started training for half marathon I usee interval traing. Fartlek. There are heaps of apps for smart phones gps ettc. It does take focus and dedication. But these coaching apps are are brilliant. Nike has two really good ones.

Sex industry......did you make any money? Joke bro, Sarcasm is healthy.

I haven't run since last week. I'm still getting used to the meds. I haven't seen my doc yet, in a few weeks.

Excuses excuses excuses. 86 library's to go. Hahahahaha

HWJT

SNORT

Read my emo intel book

Do my parental responsibilities

Play with my dog

Meditate relax

Laugh

Realize my limitations- last time i ran wasn't intelligently planned.

So i will walk for now. Slow and steady. Build up to running again.

I will probably argue with myself a lot- so im taking a hold over that.

Feel inspired

Be easy on myself

Remember I'm worthy

Cuddle my boy as much as I can and tell him I love him.

Take a hold of reality.

End.

Also in a post you did yesterday.....you mentioned the D word. We shall never say this word again, on this thread.

Its a bit like harry potter and lord valta.......i dare not say his name.

Peace

Matt

ps.

I'm alive

[SourceShield]

McBrozzle!

Hey man...I made plenty of money.

Seriously - I was one of the top male workers.

Then I specialized.

Okay, so the TRUTH truth is...one of my current micro-businesses is...I now work with men that have issues with erectile-dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

I do very well, in fact, charge top dollar.

There are literally thousands of men with sex related issues.

But now, I use my powers as a sex therapist and coach!

And, I would never be doing this...if I hadnt been a sex worker.

Which is why I am not ashamed of the work, at all.

The D-Beast shall never be spoken of on this thread ever again..agreed!

And, like many autistics...some tech just annoys me.

I like my phone, to be a phone...its funny because many autistics totally get this!

We can appear a bit old school, in some ways...what I am getting at is, I dont have a smart phone!

Cant stand the things!

I still have a brick phone.

I like my phone to be a phone...otherwise for me...it gets too distracting having all that stuff, on ya phone!

So, if you could just give me a few gentle reminders...to keep up with my exercise plan - XP - via this thread...thatll be great!

Thanks

HWJT

1) SNORT

2) Spiritfulness

3) XP

4) Grocery shopping

5) Appreciate Music

6) Share gratitude and thankfulness

7) Reach out where and when I can

7) Eat well

😎 Continue with PhD stuff

9) Watch a Tara Brach vid

10) BundyTime

11) Relax and have a peaceful evening!

Have a great day, bro!

MuchLove

[1113]

Brozza,

I just downloaded and listen to RAIN. You are right, my third eye, minds eye, pineal gland....This has been inactive for years and yes apathy is spot on. I am actually listening through this part of my brain now. Its sore. The solar plexus area not so bad now. It's good to be me.

When I started to read your post I was expecting to be shocked, but thats really good......it ended pleasantly but had a twist.

You tell a good story. Are you writing a book?

The bro code should be aimed at the men that can't open up. I've thought about this and need your help.

Im thinking around a set of codes that have specific meanings....acronyms pre made and can be addwd to as it evolves.

So if a "man" has a problem that he cannot express he can just pick an acronym that best suits. Also there can be two types of code. Problem and solution. It maybe hard to set up but could make it easy for expressing when you don't want to or even fully understand....

Imput please

Brother Matt

[SourceShield]

Hey Brother M,

Yes - I am writing a book.

Aside from all the writing that is involved with a PhD.

I also have a few book ideas up me sleeve.

I love sword and sorcery books - And, would actually like to kinda twist my own life story, but use it as a base for a sword and sorcery novel!

Im working on it!.

Glad that you've found RAIN.

It works man.

Tara Brach has such a great way with explaining things...really makes a lot of sense, what she has to say, and how she says it!.

I think your BroCode ideas are great!.

I also feel that we dont need to overthink it, let it come to life organically!

We just be ourselves.

Thats how this has come about...we just stay sincere with each other, and all others.

So, when do we start?

MuchAppreciation&GoodTimes

[1113]

We have already started, organic is the best way. We can iron it out here before starting a thread.

Back to rain,

I really "heard" the part about genetics, how it can be past down. My childhood wasn't filled with anything really bad. There was some bad stuff but like I said....... doubting myself is something I have done forever. This has made me make some bad decisions and look for "support" in the wrong places. I have also never been able to put my emotions in the correct "box". Plus I had some fairly emotional times..like the deaths of brothers, relationship issues dealing/supporting with there families. I always was strong for everybody else..but never understood myself. Over time I stopped myself from feeling altogether. Well became "apathy". Never again. I'm breaking this cycle.....thats how much I love my son.

Another brick down.....more of an overview really.

Peace and candy apples

I'm so blessed to have you as a bro.

Matt