Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

[lookingforme]

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

[james1]

"I guess it depends on whether you will call yourself a runner at the end of it or you want others to call you that. "

This bit. I no longer know if its the former or the latter. If I ask myself: if no-one ever knew, would I still run? Maybe, but only because I had nothing else to do. Not because I wanted to run. So it sounds more like the latter to me.

Stuff with caregivers didn't change after hospital. Behaviours are too well entrenched and I can't handle too much change. Not when everything else is so rocky.

Hmm...I understand what you mean by trusting the thought process. I do too, but I don't think I actually adopt the results of the thought process. Instead, I follow the thought process then I just adopt whatever the situation requires (do I want to be friends? do I want to present myself as x or y?). So then the entire discussion, looking back in hindsight, seems redundant except that I now know more about the person.

When you say changeable do you mean changeable or evolvable? I ask because I feel like I change, but I don't evolve. It seems like people evolve their "base" based on feedback (e.g. through logic), but don't change their base from one thing to another. For me, it feels like I don't evolve based on feedback. I just do a 180 flip, then flip back, depending on the situation. Does that make sense?

Ah, not sure what to say about her. I think when I look back, I just changed myself so many times that it became too confusing (or at least it was to me).

Aha I don't know many people who do that with even TV. My accent changes depending on who I'm talking to, and I know others who do that too, but not TV.

Do you think you look for and conform to "labels" to feel like you then have something to belong to? I feel like I might. E.g. right now, and I realise this may be insensitive (very sorry), but I wonder if I'm trying to be more BPD by entertaining certain destructive thoughts. Can I stop it? Maybe if I tried very hard, but I'm not exactly motivated to challenge my thinking right now.

[lookingforme]

I am currently eating my feelings

[james1]

Is that what this lump is in my throat? 😞

Hugs.

Imagine a little puppy next to you that said "Give me your feelings. They're too much for you. Hug me and pour however much you want. I don't understand anything anyway so give me anything you want."

Let the little puppy take care of anything you can't say and let us handle the rest. How do those feelings taste?

Mine are loud and burning. Yet greasy like oil in a frying pan.

[lookingforme]

The feelings didn't have much taste after a point. I ate obsessively, just had to eat, and felt sick after but didn't stop. Your feelings sound undigestible...

It turns out that I adopt things from the characters in my audiobooks also. I wonder if it is because I don't associate anything as my own so just take from others. I'm a chameleon. I like chameleons at least. They have a very "I don't care you exist, and watch me make you think I've disappeared because I like it that way" attitude. Also, a "meh" attitude. I've been staring at too many chameleons I think...

Well, we can ask why anyone does anything really? I was just discussing this in another thread, I don't feel I own any of my actions. I do things because it satisfies a requirement. Example, Tough Mudder; I wanted to do it at some stage in my life. So it was an idea of something I wanted, but that doesn't equate to doing something for me. I signed up for the event because I had the chance to, and if I never get the chance again, I would regret it. Everything I do now in training, is not for me, it's for that event. Even though I am satisfying something that I wanted, I am not convinced it's for me. If that makes sense. I get utterly confused at people telling me to find myself, or do what makes me happy. I don't really know what either of those things mean. I know I want to do biomed engineering because it would satisfy the logical and creative aspects of my brain, is that happiness? So, a reason of not having anything else to do, so you run, that's good enough really. And, for what it's worth, I did see the satisfaction in your words when you did better than you thought. So you have some care for it.

Changing and evolving. I don't mind change, in fact I accept it a lot better than anyone I have known I think. Everyone I have known tries to run from it, whereas I just dive in. It just means I have to adjust and plan for it. Do you mean by evolving, the concept of changing and then sticking with it? If that's the case, sometimes, changing and then sticking with it might not be a good thing. As for you, if you are constantly changing, maybe you can learn to introspect and if you preferred the old version, change back. Could be your X-men strength, choosing the changes rather than it just happening? Something to work toward?

I don't look for labels, no. It's okay for you to say so. I know that the label gives an excuse to indulge, and it is dangerous.

[james1]

Sorry let me know if I'm not making much sense, I'm trying to combine lots of thoughts from different threads.

what you say about not feeling like you own anything is interesting. Here's what I think about running. I felt satisfied that I beat my expected time because it was unexpected. It was like oh, okay, I ran a better time than expected. Cool. I guess I have to try and beat it next time. There's no celebration because it feels like a step towards something other than my happiness. I run because I should run to achieve something to tell people I've achieved something. And when I achieve something there's always something next. And when people tell me to stop and celebrate for me, my reaction is similar to Yours about finding what makes you happy: i don't know what that means.

Here's a challenge I didn't know how to answer: does it really matter? Does it matter that we don't do things for ourselves? If we can still do things and find some sense of satisfaction whether in comedy, achievements, or the company of others, do we need look for something for us? Or is this good enough? Somehow it feels wrong to say that this is good enough, because it's so unstable. Who I want to be now can change so drastically so quickly and it's like constantly starting at scratch. And that realisation gives me that "meh" feeling you talked about. Everything could flip in minutes so I don't really care.

Now that's not very positive.

You'll be gone for a whole week? We'll miss you! Is everything okay with Nan?

Oh

[lookingforme]

You make perfect sense. Your running escapade sounds like everything I do. I guess it's easier for other people to look in and see achievement. Which frustrates me because I often ask why that is an achievement. So rather than making you happy, it's something you feel you have to do if you are going to continue with it, and you are because you feel like doing it because there isn't anything else that is interesting you at the moment; is that about right?

That is a question I often ask myself. What does it matter if the reason I do something is not for me? Maybe the answer is that the resulting satisfaction would be longer lasting if it was for us? That's the only thing I can see that would justify the distinction. Longer lasting satisfaction, and more motivation to do these things. I just don't know how to make the transition. My psychologist is trying to get me to recognize my values, so that when I act, I act based around what I value. I think it is redundant in my case because I am not working against my values. I am struggling to work toward them actually. I suppose I have substituted depression and all the side effects and whatever else is going on with a "me" that it is the blackness working toward the goal. I don't think one can say that depression is something one doesn't value, and just work away from that. I don't know if that's a possibility? I'm having some philosophical disagreements hah. Suffice it to say, I don't understand, and I don't understand the explanations either, and I am frustrated.

I can't accept this as good enough. How can it be good enough if we feel it as insufficient? Do you feel it is good enough? "Good enough" actually unsettles me. It's okay, you don't need to be positive.

Yep, a whole week. Aw, I'll miss you too. Thanks for saying so. Yea, as okay as it can be. She is 94 after all. I won't be going over Christmas and I'm going to waylay the guilt trip she'll send me on by going for her birthday which is next week. Three days public holiday next week anyway, and as I have studies, I thought I would go. Plus, cuddles with the dog and tortoise, though I don't think Ziggy (the tortoise) likes cuddles. I named him after Ziggy Marley at the age of 6 (what was I listening to eh?) He does like water being poured over him though and kangkung.

Ah the meh feeling. It sometimes occurs to me that, that is the best I can feel.

[james1]

Yeah that's spot on. Which is so frustrating because it's so tenuous. Just because I'm being a runner now doesn't mean I'll be doing it tomorrow. Then all of a sudden it'll all have been for no use except that it kept me busy for a while.

The values thing is difficult. Do you think this is a case of BPD identity issues coming into the way of "fixing" the depression and vice versa?

To explain what I mean it's something I've been grappling. Common ideas to get over depression all seem to hinge on doing stuff you used to enjoy/value. Long term goals don't get a look in because depression gets in the way. But identity issues seem to throw all that in the bin because they just don't make sense. I never did "enjoy" stuff. My short and medium term goals are super fleeting and I know will change because they always do.

And in the opposite way, I'd love to fix my identity issues but it's too hard to think about who I am when that makes me think about the blackness and emptiness that I am right now. Okay, I know I am relatively intelligent, but I don't identify with that. Don't or won't is maybe the thing I ask. Am I just unwilling?

I don't think good enough is good enough at all, hah. It's like resignation and resignation is hardly something to look forward to you know? Still, funny how this is the best feeling at the moment. Beats anything else I've been feeling recently.

Oh my gosh there's a tortoise? That's cool. How old is ziggy? Don't you wish your life was so simple that having water poured on you was a real highlight? Haha. It's always nice spending time with the grandparents. Life seems so much calmer.

[lookingforme]

I dislike having progress hinging upon what I used to do. Because a) It implies that I liked what I used to do just because I did them, not true. b) it implies that it was a symptom of depression that I stopped, but what if I stopped because I disliked doing them and I got depressed because I realized I don't like doing anything? It's like trying to reboot to an older version that worked. I still work, just differently. Give me an upgrade instead. Whatever that means...

The values thing is difficult because I hold them separate to anything. I mean, I value being kind and considerate, I don't think I am unkind or inconsiderate. It's not values that I am questioning, I don't take steps away from acting how I think I should act because of these bad things. This crap seems separate. And, if I'm not addressing the crap then what will I "fix?" Does that make sense?

Yea, I get it. It's like the blackness is the core, and what you are or I am, is the outer layer that can get sloughed off and has to regrow.

Yea, neither do I, good enough is...just not a good place to get be.

Yea, funny...is one way to put it.

There is. He gets accustomed to my petting after a bit. Doesn't mind me petting his legs, his head is a different story. But he arms up to it. It is, my Nan tells me all the stories from her life. Apparently, she doesn't tell anyone else. No one stops to listen I think. They are too busy getting angry at her, which makes me unhappy. She is the only grandparents I have left. But, she doesn calm me.

Hah, would you like me to try it out on you? I'm sure I can find a bucket of water.

[james1]

Sorry was going home hence the late reply.

Feels like we're never really progressing towards a sense of self because every attempt seems to inevitably be revealed to just be for someone/something other than us?

So with the values it sounds like there's a layer of understanding missing between what your psychologist is telling you to do and where you feel you are at. Your psychologist is telling you to try and identify values to base your actions on, and hopefully through these actions and values get a sense of who you are. The trouble is you are getting stuck on the acting bit because the depressive symptoms are stopping you. And those symptoms also stem from your lack of self so...where do we even start? Is that kind of what you mean? I could be completely off!

Oh it's sad how people treat old people sometimes. I mean, we know they love them but still...it's so unnecessary. My mum and her siblings are always ranting at my grandma. I feel sorry her, but she's equally good at dishing it back haha.

Why do you run at 3 in the morning?

Naaah I'm happy dry thanks hah. Reminds of the ice bucket challenge on YouTube. So silly.

[lookingforme]

Hey, no problem.

I know I have sacrificed a lot for others, but can it be considered for something else, even though the ultimate benefit comes to us?

There is a layer of misunderstanding, but it isn't what you think. My questions lie on why I focus on my values and act toward them, because it implies that I don't already. I suppose, the difference is to own the values I do have?

Let me try and explain. I value knowledge, I value respect, I value kindness and caring. I know I value these things. I try to implement these values, so I study, I respect others, I try to be kind and caring. These are already happening. The depression doesn't make me value any of these less. They make me think and question the ultimate purpose, it imposes things, it distracts and it's volatile. It walks with me while I implement the values, and it takes more and more from me as I do it. My question is, why isn't the therapy more focused on stymieing the depression than getting me to focus on things I already know I do. I mean my proclivity to s.i. doesn't stop me from caring about you or respecting you.

Then I ask my question of are they my values if it is for the purpose of other. I treat others as I want to be treated, so are values implicitly our own or for other people?

It is sad. Very sad. They get so angry at her, and yet they don't see that they are as unchangeable as she is, though she is in her 90s, let her live her life. She does yell back though, and I love it when she stumps them with her mental math capabilities.

I run at 3 because I start work at 7 am, get ready by 5.15 am because I don't wake up if I don't shower in the mornings, and if I want a stretch afterward, hydrate properly beforehand etc, especially since my plan requires getting the distance in rather than the time, I need to wake up at 3am.

Haha, well if you want, I have the high pressure hose with me 😉