Just want to Shout out

[Guest_1055]

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mr Woof, hope you are well there. How is your mum, dad and daughter getting along? Anyway thank you for hearing me and thankyou also for calling me the name you gave, always does help me feel special or something.

Shelleybelly

[Guest_1055]

Well...today I don't feel angry. And there is nothing inside me that feels like that urge to shout or punch out. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. But I feel very tired, flat and almost like a "lay down the weapons feeling", or surrender type feeling. I can't beat whatever it was that I was trying to beat.

[SourceShield]

Hey Lovely!

Please go with the body, and not against it.

Rest and recuperate.

Lay the weapons down.

Peacefulness, is the medicine of the moment.

I send to you , my prayers of love and ask for an extra portion of good health to be sent your way.

Knowing that what I ask for in prayer, is always answered.

You are a shining light, and a much appreciated presence here on BB.

MuchLove

[V17]

Hello Shelly anne,

I found you a simply beautiful and gentle song. It's called 'Surrender' by Natalie Taylor. I've never heard of it until now and it's going in my 'gentleness' compilation. I hope it helps, I'm hearing you.

V.

[Guest_1055]

All I can say source shield and V at the moment is thank you to you both.

At the moment the urge to shout,and punch is in me. I thought maybe I was moving along okay, but discouragement, anger, frustration and whatever else is inside me.

I feel like I want just to punch..punch ..punch. And yell out take that, take that at whatever it is that I am sick of. FAILURE that is what I am sick of. Why can't I be good at something? And what is the purpose of being good at anything anyway? I can't even find a reason for that.

So I am imagining my fist sort of closed with a punching glove on. I am now standing next to a punching bag, hanging and swinging just a bit. PUNCH....PUNCH, now I feel plain silly as well. In my imagination I am now on the floor, as the punching bag swung back and knocked me flat. I feel just plain siller now. I am even hitting this touch pad here, with too much force.

I am even sick of thinking about myself. I am trying to get my thoughts of myself and onto something or someone else, but I can't even do that.

So yeah...I have had my shout, ramble or vent. Call it what you want.

Sick of this

[SourceShield]

Hey Shelley Anne,

You're welcome!

I get it.

Life can be incredibly frustrating, for all of us...but then when you have issues with depression or anxiety etc, on top of all that...somedays I'm really glad I cant take people out with a thought.

We'd all be obliterated!

TBH - I feel that your visualisation technique re: punching glove on, is a healthy way to vent.

Shows your intelligence - creativity to out-think the negative thoughts and to process them as visualisations, rather than taking them out on yourself or others in a more outward and physical way.

But, passive-aggression...directed inwards, still hurts, right?

One of my pet-peeves is being patronised, and I know that this may seem like a small thing, but it seems that you are rather good at expressing yourself in a healthy way.

Maybe it hasnt always been this way...but in this present moment, you have displayed a huge amount of emotional intelligence and competence...thats huge, especially these days!

So many emotionally incompetent people out here...that are unable to self-assess.

You do that...and you are safe here to do so.

When I wrote that I hear you, feel you...and accept you, I meant it.

I get what its like to be rejected and abandoned, so I am not gonna give up on you.

You take all the time you need to vent and process all that you are feeling.

I like being good at things...but I guess its all about our intentions.

I desire greater health and happiness, for myself...and now for all...even perceived enemies.

I feel the fact that you are asking these questions means that you are ready, as ready as youll ever be...to look deeper into...what is it you want out of your life?

We're not meant to know all the answers, all at once..but stay curious and keep asking the right questions.

You are on the right path!

MuchLove

[V17]

Good morning Shelly anne,

I'm hearing you! I truly believe that writing how you are feeling is so good for us who are suffering. I've written this a few times in posts but I swear by it; when we write down or speak about our thoughts in the guise that someone will read or listen to us, we need to be able to write or speak in a manner that is understandable, this then enables us to gain a little bit of clarity about how we are feeling. Sometimes Shelly anne, the smallest and simplest step of just having an understanding of how we are feeling is a step forward. I think you are really good at that; you help me identify stuff about me, simply by writing stuff down in here that myself and many others can relate to, I am really grateful for that, thank you.

Thinking of you, V. xx

P.S. What you wrote reminded me of a lyric in Everlong by Foofighters ...I'm over my head, Out of her head she sang..

[Guest_1055]

Good Morning source shield

Thanks for getting it,

And I am so sorry that you have experienced rejection and abandonment. I too have felt these such painful emotions. In fact being rejected by a certain person in my life is one thing that I get either angry about or fall in a heap on the floor and sob and sob....But at the same time, I am learning one cannot force people to love us or have expectations that they will. This lesson has been a painful one for me. And I have often cried and yelled out in my car even when I have been by myself saying " Why doesn't he love me?".'etc.

Anyway this particular rejection issue is one that I have experienced the "surrender" feeling as posted above. Simply letting go of all expectations. Then the person feels free to choose to love me or not. But like I said this is a painful lesson and I do fail at it. In turn I get frustrated welling up inside of me. So yeah..... But when I do "let go" or "surrender", then the relationship is so...so much better. It brings thankful and happy tears to my eyes.

So thank you so much source shield for mentioning the rejection and abandonment issue in your post. Because it has helped me understand it all just now as I write to you.

And your dog is so....so cute. Keep smiling, if you don't mind me saying that? For you do have a special one that shines from your face there.

Shell xxx

[SourceShield]

You're very welcome, Shell!

And, I dont mind you saying that at all.

Its funny because, I'm in the same boat...theres a guy that I am in love with too, and in the past, in weak-moments...I could be found bawling my eyes out too, thinking the same as you - Why Doesnt He Love Me?

But, how could he?

Its a cliche but...I never knew how to love me, so how could anyone else?

So, I am learning to be holistically-healthy...and even if it's not with him, that I am meant to be, I know now that I deserve love...and that true love, will eventually find me too!

Youre not failing.

Youre growing.

And there will always be growing pains!

Please dont be so hard on yourself, I believe that you're doing really well, considering!

I am here for you.

MuchLove&Kindness

[Guest_1055]

Dear V and source shield, I am unable to think clearly enough to reply to your posts. There is a sort of a comprehend button within my brain that is.....not working properly. I have read and re read your words, but no it's not sinking in. I will get back to you when I am able. Take care

Too emotional at the moment......