It doesn't get any better

[Lostworld]

It's been 2 years now that i have been seeing doctors near weekly and still my mind is clouded with the question "Why?" Why go on, why bother, life is just too hard, i keep thinking of how to end it, the anti depressants i just came off had me curled up in bed 20 hours a day grinding my teeth and petrified to got out, even now I am off them, i feel it's all pointless.

[Croix]

Dear Lostworld~

Thanks for coming back.

Um - forensics was one of the things that speeded me to early retirement, don't want to think about it just now.

Anyway while I don't know much about you if I can offer a moment's distraction I will. The Zeppelin dog is 1/2 blue healer, though you would not know from her color - sort of cappuccino. What the other 1/2 is GK's.

I looked up Assistance Dogs on the Australia site, did not know much about their role. Was pleased to see a lot of motorbikes there, until my back gave out I rode all my life, better than cars.

What are you going to do with two dogs? Both assistance ones?

You did mention your birth mother, do you mind if I ask how you feel about that? In my case my birth mother & father disinherited me, a real favor as it turned out, though you could say I had 'mixed feelings' at the time.

Do you get on with your sister? If so her going away would leave a hole. North or south Island?

A zillion years ago my first wife and I went on the backpackers' route over there, best holiday we ever had.

One thing though, I'm convinced the kiwi is a national con-job to gull the tourists. None exist. Everywhere you go there are these shacks on the side of the road with big signs like "Thrill to the wild kiwis" stuck on plaster-of-paris moas' necks.

When you go inside it's dark, with a big glass plate to look through. Behind the glass is shrubbery - and that's it!. They were all the same. Never did see one.

Sydney to Hobart. I've been down to the dock a couple of times to see them come in, watched one gentleman fall in the water off a yacht, an enterprising sort, retained hold of his refreshment. Were you on a maxi or one of the smaller ones?

I hope you post back

Croix

[Lostworld]

Paul

Asa refresher for you and info for others.

I am a professional yacht skipper and trainer under a the AYF. I have over 10,000 sea miles logged (20,000km), i have owned a few yachts and won race series and some very well with them a including fitting one out. I did the 1998 Sydney to Hobart and we were one of the 46 who finished out of 115, the conditions were so bad my crew on my watch could not relieve me and steer, so i steered the full 4 hours for 3 watches, you could not see where you I were going, the spray felt like broken glass if you tried to look into it. So i steered by feel, which i am very good at and beat my counter watch on a miles per watch. Waves? The police helicopter recorded one at 35 metres peak to trough, that's a ten story building, one 43 foot 11 ton yacht got end for ended twice down the face of one wave. Off watch a I got no sleep as i was navigator and was also on the radio as relay for the yachts further out who couldn't reach Sea Safety Canberra to request assistance.Yachts had a lost people overboard, one person had a heart attack, all in 5 lives were lost. Sikorsky had to redesign their auto hover as their helo's ​ couldn't cope, they also redesigned their infrared detection as it couldn't pick up bodies in the water that were dead or hyperthermic, now they can detect a body 30 foot underwater that's been dead for 12 hours. This was the navy's helo's with navy pilot who struggled. The police helo on one rescue got to the site from shore in 10 minutes as they had a 230kmh tail wind, after getting every one on board they realised they were past bingo, alternative plans were quickly made to avoid fighting the head wind that would have caused them to ditch and they diverted to Merimbula football field, effectively going at 45 degree to the wind and landing basically with dry tanks.

Contd.

[Lostworld]

We made the finish, 900 odd sea mils later, 110 sail changes and arrived in Hobart new year's Eve.

I felt i couldn't stop, i wanted to keep going, the body was still in fight mode and it wanted more, probably due to the Pheochromocytomas i have causing adrenaline near 24 hours.

It's not the worst seas i have seen either, there were 2 other occasions, one i thought i was going to die, then with hyperthermia it came close to it, yet with a small delivery crew i had to do my job, change the headsail in 30 foot seas, the foredeck was awash with water, i was holding the sail with what strength i had left, at times i just I wanted to let go and drift away into the night, holding on a and falling off the waves, the yachts bow dive 6 foot deep into the sea with me afloat holding nothing but sail luff, then the yacht powered up and i came crashing to the deck, we decided we had to run for cover, damage was taking place and we were starting to sink due to cracks where the keel was coming loose, we headed for Devonport and Melbourne would have to wait, the storm had killed the motor as well, so the 200 mile bass strait crossing was out of question.

Events like these I don't go away, everytime you see a yacht or the sea, you wonder, will this time be worse.

[Lostworld]

Croix

My birth mother? Well i meet here for lu.Ch tomorrow, i cant sleep, i have chest pains, my mind a is a mess. So i will tell you more about my adopted parents and it all tomorrow.

My sister is the opposite, 2 degrees at once, science and engineering, then masters, now runs supply for all New Zealand hospitals and clinics, i would put it in my own words that she tolerates me, very condescending as well. So i avoid talking to her, but her husband is good and a go between, i can talk to him.

Yachties in the dock a after races, after one Melbourne to Hobart, which arrives a the same time as the Sydney yachts, the crews proceeded a to drink Hobart dry of Bundaberg Rum, which Bundaberg up the stocks as the extra sales are anticipated, but not as much as they expect, in Geelong one regatta the same happened where they drank a semi trailer load dry, Bundaberg were kind enough to bring another, which was gone by the end of the 4 days. Yachties, alcoholics with a sailing problem...

[Lostworld]

Croix

Next i will get on to my diving, professional dive master, first aid instructor, EFR psychologist. Over 1,000 dives logged

So thats my quals, so how did i get bent 4 times and end up with type 2 DCS, decompression sickness with neurological involvement, that's where body functions like reflexes stop working. All the dives involved accidents, i will get in to that later, but i have around 30 dry dives logged in the Alfred's chamber, bthe the old and the new, i was "lucky" enough to be the first patient in the new chamber and with Ch 7 there filming it, the time a dry suit valve failed and i had an anxiety attack at 35 metres.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lostworld,

Sometimes the help we need is within us. For me it has been a sense of acceptance and letting go of the things I may never be or never have. To be thankful for what I do have.

I'm thankful I have a husband even if he does say we are just friends and he doesn't support me much

I'm thankful I had the opportunity to bury our two precious babies, I was able to hold them and to say goodbye

I'm thankful for my dysfunctional childhood, it has given me compassion for others

I'm thankful for my 1st husband who beat me up, he gave me the strength o look after myself

I'm thankful for my back injury, it helps me to think outside the box

I'm thankful for my recent time in hospital, it made me realise I need to help myself more

I'm thankful for medication, even if it does not work as I desire, it is better than the alternative of no medication

I'm thankful for my life and that I do not live in a war torn country

I'm thankful that I try to find the good in every day even though it may be a struggle

I'm thankful for thoughts about dying, they help me understand people in a similar position

I'm thankful that I am me and don't have to be anyone else.

Help? Comes in many different forms. It can be hard to find but is worth pursuing. Without the hope of help being available in some form, life can be very hard. Sometimes it is within us.

Cheers from Dools​

[Lostworld]

Dools,

Sorry, but you have struck a lot of difficult points for me and i am not thankful for so many things, being taught to do the right thing, then when my father punched out my mother i rang 000, my mother then abused me for doing that and letting go people know what was going on, my whole life i have tried to put other people first to be accepted and then getting burnt or misused by them.

There is a lacking of support for mental health support because i shave, shower and try to dress nice, it seems the homeless person carrying Thier possessions around the with them in bags get treatment, while i get looked at that he is capable, well it's only skin deep and it's discrimination by health services from GP to specialists.

I am sick and tired of being bounced around by services and not getting the help needed, i wrote to every member of parliament tonight detailing my issues.

I get on a drug that works, but then my GP gets directed he has to stop it, if i stop it the mental health nurse who looks after says i will become suicidal. All because the system has failed me.

Again i am discriminated against because i am adopted, lgbti get special support when it has been proved adopted people develop mental health issues later in life.

My issues can't be cured, fact, the doctors say i am an addict when i try to tell them what they should do, if i say nothing they say i am in denial.

I want to know why the system can say there is nothing wrong when i keep presenting to ED, i am on high risk drugs, i have comorbidity with so many things wrong it's hard to treat as treating one can cause problems in the other. My quality of life is pathetic, i have no partner anymore, she left me due to this, i have no feelings of love or caring, i have no joy or happiness, why is life worth living, i get out of bed and God looks down and saws how can see screw his life up today, so i stay in bed and just hide. My mind is clouded with thoughts of just do it now and there will be peace, i know there will as i did before and was in a coma for 3 days then woke to the horror of all these tubes which i started ripping out, 10 male orderlys tried to hold me down, they couldn't, they put restraints on, i broke them.

I have forgotten what love is or what it's like to hold someone, if you can't have this in your life then there is no reason to go on.

People ask, so what's stops me from doing it again, and i feel like they are saying i am gutless.

[Lostworld]

My life has been a battle that most would have given up long before, people say i am strong to get this far without giving in, i see it as i am too weak to take that step, but the branch is about to snap.

[blondguy]

Hi Barry

I hope you have been okay without having to deal with too many potholes in the road you are on

I have just seen your thread and my apologies. I never saw your thread title come up when you have been posting. I have no idea why unless my ancient HP Microtower Intel Core 2 is failing. It wouldnt surprise me

Thanks for all your posts. I am looking forward to having a read

I hope that you and Titan are doing as well as possible Barry

Best, Paul

[geoff]

hi Barry, you are more man than I am, there is no way I would ever go onto a yacht with 'high seas', I wonder what sort of excitement people can get when there is every chance of being thrown into the sea, or hanging on with a finger, that thought sends a chill down my back, so yes you are more a man than I will ever be, and want to compliment you.
Each one of us has our own strengths, but put me a boat on port phillip bay with just a ripple then I'm OK, with a hand line catching fish, then releasing them because I only eat shell fish, but then again I'm too far from home, so then I get anxious. Geoff.