Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

It's been a while I know. I still worry about you though. And miss you.

Some days I wish I'd come online and see your avatar changed 😊

A little sign that even if you aren't ready to write or don't need to anymore that you are going to be ok.

I hope you are taking the slow steady steps towards feeling good again.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Hi TA 😊

Thank you for making me smile. I saw your post in the fear thread and my heart lifted.

There's no guilt here remember just you doing whatever you need to do to be safe. I'm thankful for your post fears and all.

Hubby has been far from perfect so ok you're struggling financially but he's not in any place to judge you for having an issue with spending. These are problems you work on together.

Uni ... You're right back putting pressure on yourself TA. It's ok to feel like a shambles and it's ok not to be coping. We think you're wonderful anyway.

I'm sorry if I put pressure on you. Was trying to remind you I care.

❤ Nat

[The_Abyss]

My dear friends.... I have missed you all and the amazing support you all give.

And Quercus, thank you.

in the 4 months since I was released from hospital, life has had it's fair share of ups and downs. I threw one Med because the side effects interfered too badly with my job, but that led to a relapse of epic proportions. They are still experimenting with my meds to find something that works.

i have attending a day program at the hospital one day a week since discharge. It means I get to see the psych every week or two, and have gone through with a handful of people from the start that made the journey easier. This last set of classes has led to a big drop out rate (long story), and so with no friendly faces left, I too have started to boycott it. I see the psych again Friday for discussion. I have also taken up with my old psychologist again with mixed results.

Psych wanted to put me back into hospital a few weeks back (I needed it), but couldn't afford to be off work again or to put everyone back through that mess. Work has only just reinstated my hours, and I'm already booked up months in advance. I have also emptied the bank account and so can't afford to be off work again.

i had gotten my life back into some sort of order, had lost 10kg, improved my diet, and started exercise again. I was scared to return to BB during that time as I didn't want to become derailed, dependent. It was part of my "old life" and I had tried to put my old life behind me.

Sadly everything has unravelled again. I need some more time out, but even when others find out I'm still attending day group the reaction was like " hadn't you finished all that crap and got back to normal yet?". Still failing expectations.

i have slipped back into old habits, slipped back into old coping mechanisms. Every day is hard. Every day is a fight for survival. Every day I feel out of place, lost, alone. Every day I wonder why I am here but can't think of anyhere I want to be. I don't want to be at work, I dont want to be at home, I don't want to "be". Minding my granddaughter is the highlight of my week, but also means that I have had to put my own needs on hold time and time again.

uni has been a struggle. Finally admitted defeat last week and withdrew from one of my subjects. I am struggling to finish off the other. My "failure" from last semester has finally been overturned, so I still have that assignment to redo as well. It has added another year and a tonne more expense onto my degree.

TA

[Guest_3712]

Hi TA

Sorry I responded to your What I fear thread before I saw your post here

just know I'm thinking of you

Stressless

[CMF]

Dear TA,

wow, so many ups and downs over the last few months. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling again.

i want to send you some good wishes and remind you that those who ask 'aren't you back to normal yet' don't know what it is like, at all.

I hope things improve TA.

cmf x

[White_Rose]

Dear TA

I am so pleased to see you here even though you are in a pickle again. I am also dragging myself through the days. So many obstacles. I hope you will get the help you need from your psychs and enjoy being here with us.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear TA~

While I'm sad to hear of you struggles I'm wholeheartedly pleased to see you again.

Uni will sort out, and you will 'finish with all that crap'. Patience and coping with expectations is hard, but I know you will get there. You were close before that latest unravel, next time may well be a heap better.

Croix

[annie45]

Hi TA

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are but glad that you have reached out to us. Just remember that the BB forum is what you want it to be - whatever works for you. Please come and go as you please, do whatever will help you- if in the past you felt it derailed you - then don't become too invested. Stay here on your thread and we will come to you!

You said that people say 'hadn't you finished all that crap and got back to normal yet?". Still failing expectations.'

what the hell is normal!!! Ha ha if you had managed to get back to work and uni it sounds like you were going pretty well. You know better than me that this is not a short term fix. Living with MI is going to take time for us to find a happy place, a place where all our ducks line up. There will be times when we have most of our shit together and then times when that shit hits the fan. What we need is hope. Hope that eventually things will be stable. Things will be easier. We have to hope that with continued theraphy and meds that we will grow and become these people. Don't rush it just do your best.

Glad that you're back amongst your friends

Annie

[The_Abyss]

My dear, sweet friends. Thank you so much for the warm welcome back.

I came across a 5 page letter from the psych to the GP today, and despite a great weekend of much needed challenging exercise, it has plunged me into blackness again.

I don't even remember telling him the details he relayed over the first three or 4 pages. He then gets onto the diagnostic side (not that he has ever given ME the diagnosis and prognosis!).

It reads:

....a significant reactive attachment disorder...axis II (which is apparently a personality disorder).... PTSD..... major depressive disorder ...with an underlying chronic dysthymia....the prognosis for such a patient is always extremely guarded.... treatment resistance.... etc etc.

i'm reluctant to disclose anything further as I don't want it put in writing and "shared". It had so much detail in it that I hadn't told anyone before, and now it has become "common knowledge". It has signifantly affected my trust.

When I saw him last week (before I knew about the letter) I asked what treatments we had left to try as the previous ones were no longer effective. He basically replied "nothing". Does that mean he has given up too? That I'm untreatable? That there is literally no hope left? It was a very confronting letter. I should not have read it without the opportunity to discuss it with him, but I did, and now I'm not sure what to do with the information. I knew I was bad, but had no idea of the extent of the problems. When I saw him last, he prescribed hiking!

Do I persevere and stick with him with the knowledge that he has no more confidence in a cure than I do? That I no longer trust the confidentiality of the relationship? Do I change psychs and look for a second opinion? Do I turn my back on the whole mental health dilemma and go it alone and just "get on with life"? Do I look for an alternative? Too many questions, and not enough answers!

Sorry to ramble again. I did have a genuinely good weekend, but the highs never last.

TA

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

What a jerk. Your psych I mean... This doesn't sound right to me.

My psychiatrist asked my permission to discuss my story even anonymously with his own psychiatrist. He asked me whether I was comfortable with what he had written to my GP (he dictated a letter while I was sitting there so I knew exactly what he said before it was sent).

In my mind the actions seem untrustworthy. If there is no trust can they really help you? I think maybe it's time to try a new psych... What do you think?

It's ok to be thrown by things and hit a slump (I'm right there with you sitting at the bottom of the abyss). How about we just chill out in the quiet together, take some time for some serious self care... And then climb out together?

It will be ok TA. If your psych isn't helping and has given up (seriously... Hiking?!) time to find a new one. We haven't given up on you.

❤ Nat