Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

I am doing much better today. Still in pain from my stupidity the other day,but feeling a little more in control. And, I actually slept last night.

We are in our final weekend of our stage production. It's a small cast (13) and most of us have grown quite close. Despite the difficulties it has created. the regular rehearsals have been a lifesaver. When I have been really down, having to go and rehearse with these people, having to plaster on a smile and pretend to be someone else, has likely saved me from self destruction many a time. We did 3 shows last weekend, and three again this weekend (it was midnight before I got home last night), with two left to go. The director has been wonderful during my various breakdowns, and I will sincerely miss the comradeship. I audition for the next show in a week - a musical (I cant sing!) with a cast of around 50 adults and kids. It will be a different experience but I'm hoping it will be a lot of fun (something that is missing in my life).

I still have 2 assignments left Mary - I procrastinated so long on the first assignment that the others have been held up. I have been trying to fit them around my work days, 8 hour rehearsals / productions, various appointments, other commitments, and my various breakdowns! No wonder there was no time for sleep!

My husband is away for another week, and the psychologist goes away again middle of next week. After my breakdown the other day he insisted on a repeat visit Monday. I am meant to be working. Oh well, some things are more important. Actually I'm not looking forward to facing the music at work on Monday, but that's another story.

I find that true Mary - I often do give up with the end in sight. A little like the stats about falling asleep behind the wheel 1/2 hour from home when you have just driven hours without an issue.

How is your arm Mary and your pain?

Thank you too Quercus. How are you doing? I was concerned to read of your struggle too, but heartened to read of your fight and courage. May you maintain that momentum. My heart goes out to you.

As for the pictures Mary - some I take myself, some pop up in my Facebook feeds from photo competitions or Facebook friends, some I search for on google images to match my mood. I love landscape and sun set / sunrise shots, so often store them for use later or just to enjoy.

Anyway, time I spent some time on my assignment. I have to be back at the theatre in a couple of hours...another day of no work! Oh well.

TA

[The_Abyss]

Talk about being totally screwed up.

The play went really well today. The audience loved us, and we all fed off their laughter and enthusiasm. The problem was in the warm up before hand.

We always do a 1 hour voice and body warm up, including a relaxation sequence. The person who led it said "imagine something that would bring you great relief...". I normally imagine sinking into a warm bath, feeling the muscles relax, the relief wash over me. Tonight he went further. "Now imagine something that would give you greater relief..." I tried to imagine the relief I would feel when I handed in the assignments, when I graduated, but it just didn't do it for me. Then I flicked to an image of the big "S" and I felt overwhelming relief. Then I promptly burst into tears and had to leave the room. How screwed up is that.

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

Actually I think that makes sense (yeah I'm messed up I suppose).

The big S is tempting unfortunately because the idea pretends to be the ultimate escape. The tempting lie of no more responsibilities, stress or fear or hurt. But it's a lie. The responsibility and fear and stress and hurt just get moved on to someone else... Someone who loves you.

But I agree. In a messed up way it's easy to imagine the relief. I just like to focus on the fact that it's a thought. Not an action. Yep one I need to manage and keep on top of and be wary of and seek out help. But ultimately it is a thought not an action. Our actions matter more.

You really sound overwhelmed TA. You know yourself and it's ultimately your decision whether to make changes or not. But you have so many commitments and seem stretched so thin! It's easy to see from this side why you get exhausted and overwhelmed.

What do you think? Is there anything that you can and are willing to reduce?

I'm worried about you.

[White_Rose]

Hello TA

So pleased the play went well and you got a lot out of it. Sad about the warm up. Like Quercus I can see the attraction of the big S. You really are tired and stretched too thin and this is when the whispers of the black dog sound attractive. I used to think that if I was no longer around I would have peace at last. It is a lie as our friend has said. The pain simply moves to someone else although it's true, you will not be bothered about it then.

I do understand how the feeling of having all your worries taken away is attractive. Talking to your husband when he gets home could have a similar effect. Let him carry you and all your worries and pain, your frustration and procrastination, giving you a break, a time without worry.

Mary

Your psychologist is obviously concerned about you especially as he is going away shortly. Ask him if there is anyone else you can contact in an emergency. I think you need a backup option. Many years ago my psych used to organise a locum for his practice. Not full time of course but for emergencies. I think it would be a good safety net for you.

[The_Abyss]

Thank you Quercus.

A mixed day today. Finished on such a high with our last night of production and then a low with an after party I had to drag myself to. An empty house, and no one I knew in the audience. No one to relive the glory with, and the end of 5 months of intense social interaction. Happy and sad, joyful and lonely, lost, in tears. And the same reaction to the relaxation session - again I left in tears having imagined the alternative. You are right Quercus - it is a lie - the pain does just pass on to loved ones, but that is pretty hard to think of when the world feels like it is collapsing around you. Struggling to keep those thoughts at bay, keep fighting the lie.

I have cut down hugely on my commitments over the last few months. I feel I have given up so much, just to survive. I should be able to do it all and can't understand why I can't. Unrealistic expectations. My focus has been just to get through uni, everything else is secondary. Doc and Psych are both constantly at me to cut back. Old adage of if you want something done, ask a busy person. If I'm not busy, I will rust into place and achieve nothing. I feel if I give up any more I will give up "me".

If I didn't procrastinate so much I might get more done and have less stress. I might be able to focus on my mental health, work at reclaiming "normal". Instead I remain overwhelmed, overwrought, overworked, overtired, not coping even with the little things. Tears.

Back to work tomorrow, my arm bandaged from elbow to wrist. Working with doc friend who ignored my pleas for help, who once again hasn't even sent me a text all weekend to check on me. What do I say to him tomorrow? Do I give him the cold shoulder and ignore him? Do I give him the same cover story that I have been telling everyone else, or do I tell him the truth? "You failed me when I needed you most and so I did the only thing I could to stop myself from following through on my threat." Or do I pretend everything is normal and carry on as though Thursday didn't happen? And what do I say to my boss? Do I follow Quercus's lead and own up to my error of judgement, or do I give him the cover story too?

Back to the psych again tomorrow afternoon. Had to take the afternoon off work to do so. They rang me today and tried to change the appointment and let me know they had miscounted and I only have 1 more visit after this one. It's not enough. I am too broken to just walk away at this stage. Not sure what to do. More tears.

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Mary, 

I am still not prepared to have THAT conversation with my husband. It will be good having him home again though (despite the extra work it creates and his disapproving when I don't go to bed at night!). It will be nice just having someone "there", someone to take away the loneliness, keep me warm at night, make sure I eat dinner, sensor my self-destruction.

Not sure how long psych is away for. He was meant to have set me up with an emergency contact last time, but he didn't. Hopefully he will have learnt his lesson this time around. The fact he insisted I come in just 4 days after my last visit (and just 5 days after THAT day), shows his concern. He was very different last visit. I was badly shut down, and he was quiet and gentle and supportive. Very much hands off, but very much appreciated. Rather than are usual positions at opposite ends of the room, he sat directly beside me, calm, quiet, just "there". I wish I could remember what he said, what he told me, but I was too shut down, too deep in despair. Not sure what to expect from tomorrow's visit, especially as we only have more more official visit after that.

I know I am stretched too thin, that the cracks are appearing through the thin veneer. I keep putting more and more putty on them, but they grow bigger and weaken the structure further. I am treading water with the sharks circling. I need time out, but not sure how to achieve it. I need to regroup, but not sure how. I need that missing support, that mentor, someone trustworthy, someone who will be there regardless. I keep asking for help, but no one hears. Maybe I'm not talking the right language?

[beingbyrne]

Is it a mental illness or just depression ...I don't know.....sometimes I just don't know

I've been depressed since I was a child....since I remember. It felt loneliness when I was a child and it feels loneliness now. I'm just really lonely. I find it hard to connect with people, I'm not close to anybody, it's a lonely existence. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and PTSD. I'm on mood stabiliser and AD. Suffered from depression and anxiety all in my life....the meds help.

Life is a struggle, but I just solder on. My husband left me a year ago....he's with another woman. I have my dog and three cats....my dog is my rock. My dog is the reason I get out bed and go for a walk and keep breathing.

Is it a mental illness or a reaction to my environment..... I don't know. Nurture or Nature....Big question.

Life is scary to me....I'm not afraid of dying, but I won't kill myself.....because it's a permanent solution for a temporarily problem...I understand that. And it's also wrong .....and I'm brave...so I solder on

Sorry for the rant...I had to get it off my chest

[The_Abyss]

2 minutes until the next assignment is due...late again. Another failure 😞

[The_Abyss]

Feeling lost and overwhelmed. So glad I have appointment this arvo. Wondering if I need to up meds.

Dreading work. I should have been up half hour ago to start getting ready but can't bring myself to get out of bed. Desperately needing time out again. Tears flowing. Lost and alone.

[annie45]

Hi TA
I hope that work is going ok for you today.

You are crying out for some support - someone to talk to when your down, someone to hold you up when you need. I think you need to talk to hubby. My husband goes away for work often. Previously I used to hide my depression from him. Not wanting him to worry while he was away, thinking he couldn't help me - I thought I was protecting him. Then he would come home and see where I was at and get hurt. He told me he was my husband, that we were a team, that yes he wasn't able to physically hold me but he could still support me. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to always be able to help me. We don't keep secrets from each other and this was not something to start.

I see where he is coming from. I find it incredibly difficult opening up and I still find it hard to do. But we have had a few conversations and we have reached a good place. He's not my counsellor and I don't have to tell him details, however I do just say things like - 'todays a bad day' or 'I'm going back to counselling' or even sometimes it's just a hug and that's all it takes. He doesn't push but he supports me.

Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone shares your struggles with you.

Thinking of you today