Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello EM, & all,

Thanks for checking in. I've been around to other Discussions, been resting sometimes, feet awful today, had more cake, now veggies are most needed, online elsewhere, had a problem with my PC crashing, so I had to find the info I had to replace, makes me grumpy, & listening to another book, The fiction is fine, but the reading of serious stuff, then watching some short videos related was upsetting. That got me more than cranky - what some people have been forced to endure always does. Want to but can't scream out my anger about it, so, as usual, I cry. Still don't like that, but I understand & accept when I cry, especially when the reasons are so obvious.

I constantly have to remind myself, especially what I see on the news, or indeed the 'research' I was doing, I am recieving a narrow view,not the whole picture of what is in the world where most of us live, & even where I was researching the focus is narroe. Still the horrible things happened, even if I imagine they are amongst a lot of other stuff in a bigger pot.

Anyway, just had to reboot the internet connection - a notice kept repeating on this page, that 'the action you are attempting cannot be activated', something like that. Mmm, I think I'd prefer a message that said, 'Internet failed, please reconnect'. 

Well, for now, I need a break again... but there was more, about how I set myself up for the disappointment, just by opening myself up to hope.

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Good morning Kitty! I hope the birds are happily chirping at yours like they are at mine EARLY this morning? 

No sleep in for me lol. 

Sorry you've had a run of issues. It's a real problem when our internet fails and it's THE way we connect with the world. 

Talking about "world"... you seem to be doing what I used to do, a LOT. Not so much anymore. 
I think I stopped watching the News (and most awful true events) around 20yo but certainly with the Pandemic I began again (and did for local bushfires etc) I realised that when I did certain things happened: 
* my grief, empathy and horror was triggered. Humans can be the worst of creatures. It filled me with despair and anxiety. Simultaneously the older I got, the deeper the sheer frustration was about all these things outside my circle. 

* I felt somewhat comforted that others were struggling, I wasn't alone in struggle town. I had the "share human experience" feeling. 

Now I never watch the News. I already KNOW what humans are capable of, having lived through such evil myself. 

Now I select content that MOSTLY uplifts me, calms me, makes me smile. 

Humans can also be creative, adventurous, loving, generous and kind. 

Creating PEACE and calm in my little spot in the world is SO important. It was the purpose of Monasteries and similar places. Bringing THAT kind of content IN to my world so that I can grow those feelings and emotions within myself is my ideal. 
Boundaries! 
And sometimes we need boundaries everywhere we are. 

Hope you have a calm day today, 
Love EMxxxx

[mmMekitty]

hmm, try again...

Thinking: my personal Pandora's box opened up & I can't push everything back inside & close it up again. Indeed, I now don't want to deny & reject everything I have become aware.of. It's very difficult, some days more than others. I can't wall myself off, no private bubble where nothing gets in from outside. There is no real turning away anymore. The horrible actions some people are capable of doing are still being done to other people, even as I write. They go on & on, with or without my knowledge, with or without my watching the news & seeing tiny portions of it, however briefly or if I was to compulsively search & watch every horrendous video I could find, even if I can't see the images clearly - I KNOW horrible things are happening to many people.

The warnings that the 'following may be distressing' are ridiculous to me - of-course the images & the descriptions OUGHT to distress people.

I don't like the thought of others having endured what I have, or worse, some very much worse... I don't find knowing I'm not alone all that comforting at all. Knowing I am not the only one does not help when I am here, alone, in my flat, thinking & remembering, having these feelings again because I hear of someone, who's experience was, I have no doubt, worse than mine.

...Because I want it to have not happened, & I can't - no one can - wish it all away. There is nothing I can say or do. But I can't ignore it either.

It’s about more than what happened to any one person. Now I have a wider view & the problem is way too big & out of control for anything I might do to have any effect.

Only from my own living do I know managing these days like this get easier, through experiencing them, relying on understanding I didn't have before, just being older than I was, is all I can offer. It seems very little, intangible, especially from afar. Like a soap bubble, which bursts very quickly into nothing.

I don't need people to worry, to console me, nothing like that. What I need is for abuse to stop.

Thanks, for this space to say my thoughts & feelings.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I was singing a few bits of songs, sort of random, interrupting myself with my small outbursts of crankiness - usually a swear word or two, sometimes a little more physical, but then I return to the same or another song.

There's one song of Joni Mitchell's I actually don't like as much as almost every other song, & I was trying to recall the words.

I like the melody, But the lyric to the last verse got to me, stuck in my throat, & I couldn't sing, & began to cry, while preparing my dinner.

Thought had begun to rise up, thought of the friend I had when we were teenagers.

One of the reasons I want to celebrate my Birthday isto fill the day with thoughts & doing other things - thing for myself, rather than allow that day to stay the day my father wrote to me to tell me of some people, primarily his friends, had died, & he included her, too.

I know, I received the letter a couple days after, he wrote, pointing out how he couldn't reach me in time for her funeral. He offered no sympathy, not even an acknowledgement that she & I had been friends, the closest of friends, (so I had thought at the time, & for years after).

I thought my father & I might be on the way to mending fences, so I opened the letter while still in the post office, (I had a small post box then), & nearly actually fainted, like I've seen in some movies, right there in the post office.

I felt my heart was torn out from me that day. Both her death, my not being there, & my father's way of telling me.

Anyway, some of the lyric of the song brought her to mind, & how we used to dream. I literally dream of flying with her.

"...But I have no wings
And the water is so wide
We'll have to row a little harder
It's just in dreams we fly
In my dreams, we fly."

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Joni Mitchell

The Silky Veils of Ardor lyrics © Crazy Crow Music / Siquomb Music Publishing, Reservoir Media Management Inc

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

Sending you a gentle hug lass... 

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws, & Woofa, very nice to see you here. 

How are you? I went looking for your big long Discussion, & I cicn't find it. It's got a long name, I don't remember properly. May I visit your profile page, please? I'm sure I will know it when I see it listed there.

Hugzies to you both.

I'm okay, really, just this time of year, & although it's easier now, having spoken to my PDr,over the years I've seen him, you know? Sometimes things can still sneak up & very uncomfortably surprise me. Now I'll settle, then the day her Birthday was, will come & go, too.

Now, I'm going to get emotional again. As unhealthily unbalanced as our relationship was, I still miss her. I made mistakes, & she pushed me away, but I still miss her.

Thanks, I think I'd like those gentle hugs today. Woofa can even give me a sloppy kiss. (There's another 🍗bit of poultry in it for 'im) 

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Hi Kitty, sorry you're feeling down lately. It's difficult finding out someone you cared alot about has passed away. Then realising you couldn't attend the funeral and even the reasons why. 

It's hard. 

I've been processing the same lately too. My first boyfriend passed, no funeral, not that I would have attended anyway. My childhood best ever friend passed but because of her family's infamy, no contact with the outside world about those things.

My Nanna forewarned me about this time in life, how sad it can be to outlive people we love. She had. Living until 99yo. She made her life as happy as possible, maintaining contact with everyone she could. She was an amazing lady. 

Now it's a path in life we both face, do you think? 
I'm making it a priority to visit a much younger friend soon. She had her FIFTH baby during lock down last year. Haven't seen them all in years. 

It's me who has to make the effort, she's snowed under and they find life extremely demanding financially. Her H broke his back last year too. 

Listening Kitty! 
Love EMxxxx

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, EM, 

I couldn't put everything in my post - much too long & complicated. She died in 1996. My father had written it was cancer, but he was not specific. She was 36 years old, with a birthday coming up in September. But I hadn't seen her for several years. After my mistakes led her to declare the end of our friendship, & I went & made some more mistakes, I saw her a couple times years later.  Very awkward encounters, & not occasions when we might have spent time talking, just us, or not out on the street. She didn't offer any contact details, & I hadn't the presence of mind to even ask or offer to give my own. I had problems asking for anything for myself for so long, it rarely crossed my mind.

I've thought so much about the relationship we had, I no longer think it was a good or healthy relationship between us. I still ask myself what is it she wanted so much & didn't know how to get except by some symbolic acts, such as my getting her birthday & Xmas gifts as per her list & how she decided everything we did together. I understand some things better with regards to her need to protect herself & while not admitting to feeling unsafe, she he did what she could to be safe as she could. That meant no physical closeness, no surprising her from behind, being in control all the time - maybe that extended to her things, too? Now I think of it, that makes sense.

It was so hard for us to admit to deep feelings for each other, we only once said 'I love you' to each other.

I stood by her as best I could, but it wasn't enough, I was not grown-up enough to be the sort of support she actually needed. I don't know how she did what she had to do, how she coped, as well as she did, even though I am sure she was damaged by circumstances & forces beyond her control.

... it's just too much sometimes.

mmMekitty  

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

Of course you are welcome to look at my profile page lass 😀

I think Em hit the nail on the head where she said "it's hard"... especially when these feelings sneak up on us.

Woofa knows big sloppy kisses are not allowed on visitors... but he will happily give you lots of friendly snuffles in your ear or if you are very friendly he will happily back up & plonk his butt down & sit on your lap... The 🍗 went down a treat & he wants me to say "ta muchly" on his behalf... you have won his heart.

Hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Hey Kitty, waves to Paws and others reading, 

So did you only just find out now that your friend passed in 1996? 

I think it's pretty normal to go through memories of those past relationships when someone passes away. 
Especially at the time we find out and for a while afterwards. Sometimes a long while and that's okay! 

I guess with your friend's passing, you're working out what each of you could have meant to each other? 

The word "closure" annoys me lol! It's a very frustrating concept that people throw around like saying that word is some magical spell that wipes all grief and sadness away because they mentioned it. 
I don't care to engage with that word. It's almost a dismissive act using it IMO. 

I have friends who have shrines in their houses and gardens for those they loved dearly. It's something I can't do but this is something they feel the need to do and that's okay too! 

How are you doing today? 

Love EM