Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[startingnew]

hey guys! wow this thread has been moving really fast lately

Sapphire- there is a site called healthdirect, on there you cna ring and your basically speaking to a medical professional who can give you information about what your experienceing and your dosages of medications and their safety around them- also NPSwise is a medication safety site that you can search in your medication name and itll bring up the safety leaflet on it.

ts really important not to just stop medications as it can actually make you worse. we really dont want you back to the start and whilst your going well i beleive your medications are actually working for you.

have borderline personality disorder too so if you have any questions please feel free to ask and ill do my very best to answer in my experiences. alwasy happy to share whatever i can with others so dont be afraid to ask me.

mm ive forgotten the entire convo thats taken place- are you still seeing a psychlogist, psychiatrist or gp on a regular basis and/or are you planning on making these arrangements again?

[Sapphire_]

Well its official. My husband hates me. He keeps going off at me. The only person in my life i can trust is my dog. She never judges me. Ive been so sick all day and just wanted to stay in bed all day and he yells at me to get out of bed because he thinks im depressed and shutting myself away. He recons he is worried about me but i just think he is trying to control me. I guess i finally succeeded at pushing him away.

Im scared of calling phone services because each time ive called one or another i have ended up in hospital. I dont wabt to be sentnto hospital just because im off my meds.

Startingnew- I dont have a psychologist or psychiatrist anymore because im nolonger part of the programme. So im on my own.

I dont believe that i have borderline personality disorder. I think they misdiagnosed me. Although my hubby thinks im in denial.

Its been almost a year since i was made redundant from my job. I was really good at my job and loved it. All year ive had nothing. Even had to drop out of uni. I have nothing and feel like such a disappointment.

[demonblaster]

What about you & hubby talk honestly & openly, tell him how you feel what's going on & him to you it'd be hard on him seeing you in a bad place & so hard being there.
He may not feel like he knows what he can do for you do you think, maybe you could say what you need from eachother.

Hope you get a good rest tonight

How's the pain from op

[Sapphire_]

There is no talking to the hubby. It just leads to arguments and him berating me. It took me years to tell him about the abuse i went through. I just find it hard to talk to anyone. Its my downfall. I would rather sink into a bottomless pit than talk about my problems.

Pain from the op is slowly going. Im scared of eating now though because i cant swallow food for some reason. It all has to be liquid form. Im supposed to be on normal diet now. But ive developed this swallowing problem. Gonna call the surgeons office after the new year.

[demonblaster]

That's a shame not being able to talk

You can here you know that aye

Is your throat sore, does it hurt to swallow, good let us know how you go with surgeon

[Sapphire_]

I feel more comfortable on here since its basically anonymous.

Food gets stuck half way down my esophagus causes pain and vomitting. Im not really sure what causing it. I guess the surgeon will know.

I been thinking about what you said about being on self destruct mode. I guess its probably partly true. Falling into old bad habbits. Smoking, drugs, alcohol. I dont know why im doing this to myself. All i know is that ive started it. After 3 years of being drug and alcohol free ive lapsed into this nightmare. I know im spinning out of control. Something has set me off and its not just coming off the meds. I dont even know if i want the drugs to make me numb or make me feel for a minute. Grr such a screw up! So stupid!

[demonblaster]

You've done so well over the past 3 yrs hun, it would have been harder then. You're having a step back which happens at times, better now than later when you're in deeper to pull the reins back.

You've proven you've got the strength to do this.

As Starts said maybe the meds were working for you.

[Sapphire_]

Im sinking in this stupid life. Im so over it. I hate being sick. I hate being in pain. I hate the look on peoples faces when they see me. Because i know what they see. I just wanna lay on my bed and die. I hate this stupid pointless life. I dont care about anything atm. I dont care if im selfish for wanting out. There will come a time soon i think when i won't be able to save myself. I just dont care anymore.

[startingnew]

you have me quite concerned Sapphire, can you please keep yourself safe. try your very best and remember the helplines are there, and your coping strategies youve been working on this past year as well.

[demonblaster]

Ahhhh darlin

That's how you feel now, you've slipped, it happens, but you've proven in the past that you're very capable of getting back up. You can & will again.

I can't stand by & let you sink back right down again

Come on chooks you're stronger than these mongrel demons, you can get back up.
I believe in you & so does Starts here too. You need to too.

You've had the op so better things ahead hun, hold on. Please