I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Uni study is my schedule, it's all I really do. Although I try and have one, sometimes two days away from it, for sanity's sake. Lately that means doing DIY stuff, but I should try and get back into writing my fiction stories...maybe by next year that'll happen...

I gave myself today off and slept until midday, or a little later, so I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I've got a GP appointment tomorrow morning so will have to get out of bed for that, then it's shopping and home to uni study...yay...more major assessments for me to JUST pass...

I heard about the happiness trap from my psychologist, but have never read it. I should look it up for the uni holidays.

[Music_Freak]

It's a good thing I did some uni work early today, but Halestorm just announced an Australian tour for December and tickets go on sale Thursday.

They're coming to Adelaide and I'm hoping for Sydney and Melbourne as well...I think I've sort of planned flight times already.

Like I need the stress of buying tickets!!

[Birdy77]

Dear MF,

It's really good to hear that you have something exciting to look forward to ... are you planning on going to all the concerts? The stress of buying tickets will be worth it.

I would really encourage you not to drop out. You've done too much hard work. It doesn't matter if you just pass. What's the mantra MF? Its: "P's Get Degrees" that's what. You will end up with the same qualification whether you get HDs or Ps ... so try not to think too hard on that aspect if you can.

Sounds like you're making some headway with the garden beds, awesome job. I'm getting out the circular saw this afternoon but waiting for my partner to come home because it freaks me out quite a lot!!

Hope you are feeling better after your tummy issues.

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Birdy 🙂

I added Brisbane to the list and got all four tickets easily enough, a bit stressful, but it's been worse. Makes up for having to miss them in March. I'm looking forward to it - just don't know jow I'll pay for flights and accommodation yet. Yikes!

I'm trying to ignore the dropping out thoughts. Yep...P's get degrees and aim for a P and see are what I'm clinging to. I'm going to get up tomorrow and try and get work started on all the major assessments now that the ticket buying craziness is over. I hope I can focus...

Geoff told me to be careful and don't get distracted when using power tools, so I'll tell that to you. Focus, focus, focus. Power tools can be intimidating, it took me a while to get used of using a cordless drill!

Stomach pain has gone (for now, it does come and go), just got aches from running around the shops late yesterday afternoon to frantically get money to my friend in Melbourne before the banks closed, so she could buy me a ticket (she didn't have it spare). I'm feeling sore muscles I didn't know I had. Had my first near miss driving solo too. A car pulled out in front of me and I stopped with an inch to spare! Was a stressful experience to say the least!

I'm in bed now with Buddy asleep at the foot of the bed...he's just so perfect...

[Music_Freak]

Wow, it's been a while since I posted here, shows how busy I've been with uni. I've barely really posted on BB at all for the last month or so...

I have one reflective report to get finished by the 18th and then I'm done for the semester...and back for a second dose on the 29th of July. It's a long break that I hope I can get a lot of house related stuff done during...but we'll see. I'm guessing about a weeks worth will be uni recovery and not much else.

My group got 95% for the presentation I was dreading, so that was a nice, unexpected surprise...for the two written major assessments I've finished and submitted, who knows what I'll get, I'm learning to not aim too high.

I'll be getting a bit nuts over the Halestorm tour, during my break, I'm sure. I haven't really allowed myself to do that much with uni work demanding time. I have to wait for VIP upgrades to go on sale and buy those and make two tops for the five days of craziness. I'm not sure how I'll manage but it's a must...caffeine will be my best friend. I'm going to miss Buddy soooo much though!

[Music_Freak]

I got all my major assessment marks back...58%, 65%, and 78%. Happy enough with that, even though the 58% was a dreaded P1 (again!)...oh well. It looks as though I'll pass all this semesters subjects (have an overall P1 already). If I get credits for these three subjects, I'll have matched my overall grades to last semesters 🙂

I still feel overwhelmed by this whole study thing though...I wonder if that will ever go away?!

[Birdy77]

Dear MF 😊

That is awesome news, you're doing so well.

I was constantly overwhelmed with the whole study thing - it's supposed to be rigorous and difficult, otherwise getting a qualification would be easy ... and it would be a available on the back of the cornflakes box.

You're doing yourself and your Mum proud 😊

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thank you for your kind words Birdy, they're always appreciated 🙂

I actually got all emotional about my mum last night, which is why I didn't reply sooner. I think the stress and everything else just contributed to a mini emotional breakdown. I'm feeling OK today, but I didn't get out of bed until midday...whoopsie.

I've taken Buddy out a few times and done some much needed weeding, so not a total zoned out vegetable today 🙂 There's more weeding to be done, but that can be another day, when I don't waste half of it!

I haven't worked out my overall grades yet, I'm happy enough knowing that I have likely passed. I'd like to improve on last semester, of course, but P's get degrees 🙂

[Birdy77]

Dear MF,

I am so proud of you, you have learned the mantra!!! Awesome job. I've given you an HD for that 👌

I think it's natural to have those days where you break down emotionally. The sadness and you missing her doesn't go away. When you're already run-down mentally or physically or emotionally it makes you extra vulnerable and it's good to let those tears flow when they need to.

Did you get any more weeding done? If not, don't worry they'll just be bigger and easier to pull out when you get around to it. I once watched a beautiful weed growing out of the disgusting roof tiles on my old garage. It would have taken me 5 minutes to get the ladder and deal with it, but I let it go ... it even changed colour in the autumn - and re-emerged fresh and vigorous in the spring. Special times.

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for the HD Birdy, I don't get many of those.

Weeding is done well enough...I can actually see dirt now. Next thing is digging up grass and putting turf down...only got 40+ sq metres. I'll only be doing 3x1 metres or so at a time, but it's a big job. But also a very good work out for someone who wants to lose weight.

I'm also going to be doing the much postponed edging once I buy a jigsaw this weekend/next week. I've gotten lots of tips from Geoff, so don't feel so totally out of my depth now.

Then I'll be back at the uni work for semester two/my second year on the 29th. Kind of terrifying...