I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Birdy77]

Dear MF,

Let the tears flow.

You have had a massive week.

Start of semester, glitches with technology, the washing machine breaking, getting your first submission in about brain development.

A huge week.

So allow yourself to cry if you need to.

Remember to give yourself a break, you need time off from it all as well. Balance, remember.

I hope the link worked for your new album and that you can enjoy listening to it over the weekend.

You might make friends through your uni study groups and on-campus days and the like.

Hope you feel better MF.

Give yourself a hug from me 😊

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Birdy (and Paul of course for replying)

Still no link, so no album. It's not like I can afford another digital copy. I'm pretty sure I don't have enough money in my account to cover all my bills. I don't believe centrelink when they say they're going to pay me, until I see it in my account.

I'm up again, ready to do more uni work, because well, that's all I do. It's pretty much all day, every day with my brain or lack of. Making friends seems unlikely...why wouldn't they just leave like the ones before them?!

Oh well, back to it

[Music_Freak]

I literally looked at an assignment due on the 3rd at 9am and teared up...so put it away, I will do it tomorrow/Monday, like the next brain development one...and a group work tutorial. Ugh, it doesn't stop!

At least the Halestorm album is on youtube...

[Music_Freak]

I forced myself to take the weekend off from uni work and have struggled to relax the whole time.

Now (5pm Sunday) I'm a bit worried I won't be able to get back into it.

Ugh - I make my head hurt!!

[Music_Freak]

I'm really trying to focus and be productive with uni work, but I wonder if I'm spending enough time on it all (9-3pm weekdays, sometimes an hour or so more, depending on how I'm feeling) and about 10-3pm on weekends. I'm not sure I can mentally do any more than that, and I'm barely even doing the readings!

I took the weekend off and have decided that doing that is a bad idea, good thing I have no life...

I finished one assesssment and forgot to reference, how I don't know...I'll look at it in the morning, hopefully the lecturer will get back to me by then.

[Birdy77]

Hi MF,

It sounds about right to be spending the equivalent of most of a working week to your study, but I think it's important to have a day or two off.

The thing is, this fist semester will be the hardest in some ways, as you are not used to it yet and haven't got yourself into your own way of doing things and whatnot.

As you move through the semester you will develop your own way of reading/note-taking etc. Once you get your mojo happening,things will take less time.

I know it's a bit of a shock to the system, having to work so hard at it all, but you will get used to it in time.

I would encourage you to try to get out for a little walk each day, even 10 minutes. It's good for your body and good for your brain.

Did your album end up working?

[Music_Freak]

I feel like I'm ready to quit really, I'm not even 2 weeks in and feel burnt out already...

My throat is yuck and I feel generally rotten. I stayed in bed until 9:30 and feel guilty for doing so - no wonder I can't take any days off!

I have to re-do references (AGAIN!) for the assignment that's due on the 3rd. Just another epic fail...I just can't get my head around it, or seem to retain anything!

Taking Buddy out is the closest I get for a walk, unless I have to go to the shop. I feel like a failure all round. I've had postpone the vet 3 times because I couldn't afford it. Hopefully I can keep next weeks appointment...

I'm just so tired...

[Birdy77]

It's hard work isn't it ...

I hope you don't quit.

Have you considered doing half the subjects ... it will halve your workload and allow for a calmer transition to uni study ...

[Music_Freak]

It is hard...my brain's not coping, at all!

I've got the new Halestorm album on repeat and it doesn't even help, I think I only actively hear about maybe 20% of it...

I have thought about dropping subjects but that would affect my centrelink payments, meaning I'm no longer full time so would be back in job search hell on newstart/the "dole"...so a bit loathed to do that.

Trying to not think about quitting, but it sneaks into my head. I jump to the future (job, house etc.) to try and shut it out.

[Birdy77]

You can do it!

It will be hard work, but you can do it!

It's a worthwhile use of your time, stops the horror of job search, improves your knowledge and skills, possible career prospects.... all good things.

You can do it MF.