I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for your post Dora, you were very accurate in what you said, I should stop bullying myself. I've dealt with that from everywhere in my life and it's crazy that I do it to myself!

Yeah Carol, setbacks are hard...you think I'd bounce back from them quicker being so used of them...oh well, one thing a day, I should be able to do that. I still haven't driven, I'm going to see if I feel up to it over the weekend, but if I don't I'm not going to stress over it.

Thanks Wednesday, I did OK today, but I know already that silencing the inner critic will be an ongoing challenge, but I'll try

The appointment went alright Sherie, I'm re-starting with the smith family on Monday for my work for the dole obligations. I'm pretty nervous, because it's all starting up again too fast, but don't feel totally and utterly terrified since it is somewhat familiar to me. My job network consultant has arranged for me to see their counsellor in a couple of weeks - I'm more nervous about that, than anything else

I feel sick about it all at the moment, but I'm just trying to relax right now, and for the rest of today probably

[Music_Freak]

I hate how bad days seem to have the worst timing...I woke up today feeling like I was on the verge of tears and hours later I don't feel any better, or different

I'll be struggling this week, I know it. Tomorrow, Tuesday and Thursday 9:30-2:30 out of the house pretending I'm a normal human being...oh my god...

[Guest_5218]

Sorry to hear that Narelle. And dont forget ........ you actually ARE a normal human being! No pretending. (-:

So you have Smith Family for 3 days this week do you? Ie Mon, Tues and Thurs.

You've been doing really well lately Narelle, and I have every confidence that you can get through this week with flying colours. That will give you the confidence then, to continue and thrive. I am not going to tell you a falsety and say it will be easy .... because it wont be. But you can do it, and you will do it well.

I hope you are able to find something to do today to help you keep your mind off your busy week ahead. Do you have any more DIY jobs you can turn your obviously very talented mind towards doing?

Thinking of you Narelle, and offering an encouraging hug.

Sherie xx

[Just Sara]

Hi MF;

The word 'worthless' is so cruel and absolutely untrue. I'm in the mood for writing today, so I hope you don't mind if I share a story. Your pain comes through so clearly; I'd like to give something of myself to hopefully contribute and help in some way.

Yrs ago my sister felt forced to find work and had little to no experience in the workplace or qualifications to speak of. She left school at 15 so I asked if I could help.

She was looking for menial jobs cleaning etc thinking she could never find anything else; she felt worthless. I sat with pen and paper and proceeded to go through her life to find a skill base. The list grew and grew until it hit me...she'd been a mum to some very difficult and sick kids for many yrs and taught herself how to manage with research and planning. Her knowledge and experience with food allergy/intolerance, ADHD/ADD, teenage depression, Celiac disease and the science behind these issues, made her a specialist of sorts.

I convinced her to submit an application to a local childcare centre with my help and she got an interview. During this interview the convener spent an hr picking my sister's brain about kids suffering from the above list. She told my sis there were 30 applicants with degree's and diploma's to compete with and was apologetic about her criteria. My sis walked to her car depleted. However, the woman chased her down and bellowed; "I can't lose you! No 22 yr old with a degree could ever offer what you have...you've lived it. Please come and work for us? I'll put you through uni"

My wonderful sister now has a diploma and degree in child studies! She still works at the same place 10 yrs later and runs things when the boss is away.

The point I'm making is we judge ourselves so harshly and compare ourselves to others not realising we have extremely valuable individual skills and talents from the university of life.

You might say; "I cook nice meals for the whole family each week. It takes a lot out of me and sometimes I don't feel appreciated, but I do love it" I'd say; "You're a wiz in the kitchen and cook with passion for large groups regularly and, enjoy hard work and organisation. You've been doing this for many yrs"

None of us is worthless​. We're valuable souls.

Just sayin'

Dizzy x

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Sherie, I just hope today is a bad day and I'll feel better once tomorrow is over...I think I will need an oscar winning performance

I haven't even bothered to email the guy about the carport, so no DIY projects. I still just want to cry

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for posting Dizzy, I wish I could be like your sister and have a list of positive qualities, but I just don't, I never have. I watch everyone else achieve, wondering the whole time what is wrong with me.

I don't know how long I can hold on and pretend

[Just Sara]

Dear MF;

I hear your pain darl...I do. Please seek help in your area if things get too bad to face ok?

Even though I own my home, I move in with my mum for a few days respite now and then. She potters around spoiling me and giving me an oh so deserving break. I'd like to think you have a similar avenue to turn to.

I consider doing a household budget and grocery shopping valuable skills. You'd be surprised how many young people don't know how to do this. It means you have financial skills and problem solving ability. It's just a matter of perspective.

Soldier on...Dizzy x

[Emmy.]

Narelle you have so many positive qualities. I wish you could see them.

Sending you lots of hugs and kind thoughts. Emmy xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Narelle,

I'm sure Dizzy's post would have you thinking about your Mum. You had such a beautiful, special relationship with her. I know you miss her and you feel noone else gets you. I miss my Mum too. Your Mum would want you happy. I bet she would be proud of all you have started doing.

Dizzy is right about you having skills. You have just added MYOB too, that's great. You are making good progress.

I hope it all goes well for you today. Remember we are here for you and I am sure if things keep going as they are you will make some real-life friends too.

Big hugs,

Me xx

[Music_Freak]

I had a long post all typed, but it disappeared 😞

Today went alright I guess. I'm really tired and felt like crying a few times, but didn't...yet

I already don't want to go tomorrow, but I will drag myself there and pretend I feel normal when I don't

Maybe tomorrow will be better than today, I don't know