I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[blondguy]

Hi Ava

Just popping in to say hello. I hope you are doing reasonably okay 🙂

The last thing you want (need) now is a winter bug. I do hope you feel better soon

My kind thoughts for you

Paulx

[Guest_9809]

Hi Ava,

Just a quick post to let you know that none of us have forgotten you, and that we all miss having you around.

I do hope that the operation you had in July is all healed and is now making a difference to your mobility together with a reduction in pain levels.

I realise you may no longer be reading your thread, and thats okay too. Because my loving thoughts and kind wishes for you will travel telepathically to reach you anyway. Along with the cyber hug.

And who can forget little Happy, the curly one. Give him a little wrestle from me and Tammie, along with a treat.

Taurus xx

[Wednesday]

Hello lovelies,

It's been tough time.

Dear Taurus thanks for asking the op worked in part. I need to go back to the surgeon, but canceled the appointment.

My daughter has been in an awful spot and I haven't been able to help.

My house is being turned upside down to try to fix it.

And it's so incredibly sad but my lovely curly dog was hit by a car. He didn't survive. I can hardly breathe. He was my salvation in so many ways. He loved me jus because. He was running to find me. I picked him up and tried to run, but I couldn't. I kept saying I can't run wanting someone to take him form and take home to the vets, but they didn't understand. I got there but it was to late. He was never going to survive such an awful event but I wanted him too.

He was beside me always and now he isn't.

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

I'm horrified at this new serve life has sent you. The op, daughter and now the curly dog. If I could lend you one of my pets for a bit I would, knowing you it would be looked after it so well it would never want to come back.

Perhaps Nasty Cat?

Are you going to go back for more surgery soon? What are your thoughts on another little dog or something else - a feathery puffball like Blue's? It might sound too soon or even heartless but I've always found I've room for another, does not mean the missing one is less, but it helps to distract from the grieving and the new one has a whale of a time, our pets always do.

I start to smile at it surprisingly quickly.

You've left me pretty gob-smacked with your news

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hello Ava,

Very sorry to hear your news. I won't insult you with trite condolences, I'll say only that I understand what you're feeling right now, and am here to listen if you want to talk. Thinking of you.

Blue.

[Wednesday]

Thank you dear Croix,

I can't face any more surgery, injections or tablets at the moment. I have list of doctors etc I should see, but...

I am still waiting for the curly one to come around a corner, I even hear the jingle of his name tag around the place. He was running from P to me and paying no heed to the road, he never stood a chance. I hate that he was running to me.

The tears are slowing and another doggy would probably be an easy way to help heal the pain. But I'm slow at these things. It took me years to get over my last lovely doggy's death. He had cancer and I had to make the awful decision to put hime to sleep. But I knew I wasn't doing him any favours keeping him alive.

The curly one was to young and had a long life left to live. He was such a character and so clever. I had to tell the women in the pharmacy (early members of his fan club). I told the pharmacist (who is not really a dog person) and she cried. She offered to tell her staff, he was very loved by so many. I had no words to explain.

The day before he met a man who didn't like animals and charmed him. The man asked if he could pick him up and have photo taken with him. He went onto to say that he was the only animal he had ever liked.

Lots of hugs, pats and treats for you and your menagerie. Better you give them I'll just cry over them.

I really need to try to move and do stuff.

Hugs, x

[Wednesday]

Dearest Blue,

Thank you for your kindness. I could woffle forever about the curly one and his place in my life, but I'm sure you know what I mean. I just miss everything about him, he gave me reason to keep going on those days it gets hard.

I hope you have settled in your new home and all is going well. Much love to you and your fine feathered friends.

Hugs, x

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

It's the absolute pits, some people just don't have the empathy, but for anyone who loves their pets it is the heartbreaking side of enjoying so much love. I too have had the vet put down a dog with cancer, and still have in my mind his head cocked to one side looking at the vet's cat. Probably the best way to remember him.

I'm not sure about patting Nasty Cat, and her idea of a treat is to swat whatever comes in range - except my wife who is in charge of the cat larder, NC knows which side her mouse is buttered on after all.

Zeppelin Dog is put out because Sumo Cat has pinched her bed, it's a tough life being a dog, even if she has three other beds to go to.

Anyway - with one exception - pats and treats distributed.

Have a hug

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Ava, you're welcome to waffle as much as you like, but yes, I know what you mean. Anyone who knows what it is to love a little companion like your curly one would understand. My little birds are my joy and have likewise given me purpose when there otherwise seemed to be none. This is not a bond to be taken lightly.

Yes, getting settled in the new house, it's a much more peaceful and pleasant place to be. The feathered ones have adjusted well. I'll pass on the love to my wee puffballs. Hugs to you and gentle birdie snuggles (you can cry on them, they love baths).

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

Popping my snoot in to see how you are fairing. Hope it is getting a little easier - yes I know, too soon.

If you want to reminisce that's fine

Have hug

Croix