I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

PS. I'll get back to your threads as soonish.

Croix, Sumo is the only cat I have time for so he should be justly proud. I'll leave nice piece of salmon in the Cafe fridge if you could pick it up for his dinner. Zeppelin dog is not forgotten what about an eye fillet for him with a tasty marrow bone to follow. Pats for both of course. The Curly one is a little miffed since he only got a chicken neck but I explained they were special treats. I hope Croix that life is easy for you at the moment and that your brain is not playing any of those nasty flash back tricks on you. Hugs, xx

Carol, you are such a thoughtful dear I organised for your lovely painting be added to the hospital waiting room, it has made the place so much more cheerful everyone has commented on how much better they feel. I hope you are managing all right, school holidays must be nearby again, eek. maybe I should send you a big tube of magic super glue to glue those little bodies in place eery now and again, yu could tell them they are playing statues? Hugs to all your lovely family and tickles for Storm, xx

Taurus, I hope your trip is going to be a fun one? Tickles for Tammy and big hugs for you. I hope you are managing, last time I checked you had a lot to handle. I hope the year moving on has lessened helped eased some of your sadness. XX

[Guest_9809]

Oh Ava, what a relief to hear back from you. Thankyou!

Only very brief for now as I will be going off-line from tonight. No, my trip is not a fun one unfortunately. It is primarily to support my brother and my parents during a really difficult time for them all. My thread explains it, as its not really appropriate to discuss it here. Its going to be a very stressful and difficult week for a number of reasons. So yeah ... still a lot on my plate for now.

I will catch up with you again upon my return next Wednesday.

Taurus xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Ava,

Hadn't seen you about in some time, so thought it was high time I came back over here to your thread. Glad to see you're walking a little better, and have that cheeky sense of humour still applied to your struggles. You're a trooper, to be sure. All the doctors visits and pills and so on must be so frustrating for you, I admire your spirit, tackling it all.

Your grandson sounds like a hoot, glad you have him to talk to, and to learn all about the fundamentals of thunder and lightning from. 😉 And the Curly One to keep you company and demand treats. Our little critters are so important, aren't they? Even after a pretty decent serve of his favourite treat, Sir Pecks is trying to sneak a beak-ful of my dictionary. Sigh.

Not too much more to say, only that I've been thinking of you, and I'm here.

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

The Curly one is a little miffed since he only got a chicken neck, Curly's miffed! - Imagine how the chicken feels.

Sum and Zeppelin extend thanks and inquire concerning seconds (and in Sumo's case thirds).

I'm surprised you were not aware of that entirely correct theory of thunder, your scientific education is showing:(

Did you manage to train your new psych, or it it a work in progress? I've not always had that much luck with some sorts of training - puppy training comes to mind. My wife and I emerged excruciatingly well-behaved.

Please give a pat - plus the remains of that unfortunate chicken - to the Curly one

Have a hug

Croix

[Wednesday]

Hello dear ones,

Thank you for your posts. The psych only survived one session. His solution was to give me even more AD's. He told me the new med was to help me sleep. I checked and it's an AD, yes it will make me sleep but is another highly addictive med. I really must sound like a dill. There I am saying that I want to reduce all my meds especially the AD's!

He said I had to much on my plate and that anyone of them would cause depression. I'm sure he gave me his best advice but he told me fib, which make it hard for me to trust him.

Croix, I left school the minute I legally could, which may explain my lack of scientific knowledge? I am sorry about the chicken, the curly one has since decided he doesn't like eating chicken anyway. So I'll drop of those in the freezer for S&Z. Hugs

Taurus, I do hope you managed to get through your very tough week. Hugs.

Blue, the walking has gone down hill again, dam it. I hope you are feeling better and have absolutely beaten the bloody bugs that have been haunting you! Hugs

Lots of love and hugs to you all, xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Ava,

I am sorry to hear that things didn't go well with the psych. It is very important that we trust our medical team. Perhaps you can get a referral to a new one. I know you would preferror to avoid them like the plague but I think there can be some value if you get one that is a better fit. Maybe do some research and find one more open to other options.

Well done you for going along though.

So how did you spend your early years? What sort of work or mischief did you get up to?

Much love, me xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

I'm disappointed in your psych visit too. He sounds the sort that might be good at simple rather than complex situations, or else prefers a short term fix. The first priority needs to be to listen, then discuss actions - sigh (that sigh™ on behalf of Wednesday). Fibbing for expediency or any other reason in this situation is just not on.

I'm not at all sure you could sound like a dill - try a sample sentence in dill mode and we'll judge for ourselves (all except the East German Judge of course who gives low scores on principal - unless you are from the GDR).

Curly sounds a most discerning canine not fancying chicken, I'm now thinking in terms of Cat Maryland - I say this out loud in case the Nasty Cat is within earshot - give her something to think about other than plotting mayhem.

Talking of mayhem, I'm with L.G. (Hi L.G.) and would be most interested in hearing what you got up to in your early years. Has the district recovered yet?

Please give the curly one a pat (after you've wiped off chicken remains), and you have a hug.

Croix

[Wednesday]

Dearest Carol and Croix,

You are just lovely hanging in there when I have been so absent. On my list is a trip to the doctor. I'll try to remember to talk to her about the psych then (or not).

Umm early days, from what I recall were about surviving. My education was very basic. Too many schools for my personality to manage. I think I just gave up on school, at straight D student!

After leaving school I worked, in shops, factories, vet clinics, childcare centre's and even did a little modelling etc. This let me share a premises with others and eat, not so easy on a teen wage. I was always very good with money. Later I had my own business and ran other peoples business. Eventually after my children turned into teenagers I went to uni, which I loved. I then ended up working in various forms of government. Then I got too sick to work and here I am now.

As for mischief, it was really what I needed to do to belong or survive. So yes I did some things that maybe I won't broadcast! I have some, in hindsight, fun stories. That said maybe not things I would wish on others. The world was different in my youth. We have come along way and still have so far to go. We don't have equality but it is better. Our agencies are more accountable, but still mess up. Dear sweet Croix as an ex police officer you must be proud of some of the extraordinary work done by your colleagues and at the same time shudder at some of the antics your colleagues got up to from time to time.

Lovely Carol, how are your return to work plans going?

Love and hugs to both of you. Pats for S&Z and Storm.

PS the curly one got stung by a bee this week, in fairness it was about time they stung back. But really for a little dog he gets into a lot of mischief!

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Ava,

Poor little doggy! He has been in the wars.

I expect you were a force to be reckoned with in your youth. Quite a variety of work!

I was made redundant from my work at the beginning of March. Not a big surprise, they are merging with another company and moving a lot of work to low cost countries.

I have an operation end of the month to fix the inside of my nose which is collapsed and I have a deviated septum. This was found upon not tolerating a sleep apnea mask. They will also take out my tonsils that are "unusually large". Hopefully this will improve breathing which hopefully will improve sleep and the headache....

Schoose holidays now. Wish me luck. I have all 3 kids on my own plus various activities to get them to and playmates etc...

A big wave hello to Croix.

Let us know how you go with the GP in regard to getting a new psych.

Me xx

[Croix]

Dear LG~

Ta for the big wave (Walruses have an affinity to waves you know)

I had a deviated septum op around 5 years ago, was good, marked improvement since.

I did ask for a recliner chair to sit up in overnight on the first night after, other than that no hassles.

The worst thing was the buzzers on the drips in the other wards sounding every half hour or so, made sleeping difficult.

Croix