I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Thank you dear Taurus all hugs very gratefully received, it doesn't feel like a normal panic attack more like utter despair but I guess it is. Too much to take on board right now I guess. Tho there is funny side, me with crutches in Coles , crutches in the shopping trolley. Then the feeling, I have to leave here now or else. I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with buying tea. Anyway escape was required, do you think I could get the &*^% crutches out of the trolley, I tried leaving without them - fail! Anyway I survived and only sent a few things rolling across the ground, fortunately other people move faster than me and moved out of the way. They could see this woman was on a mission.

I even found the Psych referral and tried to make an appointment, waiting to hear back.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I know you have worked so very hard. I looked at your thread but felt I had nothing to offer. My deep admiration and love and hugs to you. xx

[Wednesday]

Oh dearest Croix,

How lovely of you to drop in. I haven't seen your new thread, sorry.

I too have things that are absolutely not allowed to enter my head because a proper panic attack is ,just not okay. this was more of a despair attack, if such a thing exists?

I'm so very proud of you that you have found away of managing your panic attacks great work. Pats and strokes for Sumo and Zeppelin, such lovely cuddly creatures around me, I don't even get an allergic reaction to Sumo (so obviously a very special cat and not at all fishy.

Hugs dear one, xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

I wouldn't go to that thread, the warnings are there for a reason. You have enough to cope with now. and yes despair attacks do exist - horrible sneaky things.

I just found out the reason Sumo does not smell fishy, he jumped on the table and attacked the shaved turkey I was going to have in a sandwich for lunch at work tomorrow.

I guess I'll be stuck with his share of the sardines in tomato sauce - I can make a sandwich out of that I think -bit gooey, but flavorsome.

Have some hugs in return + plus one more.

Croix

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Ava,

It really is terribly unfair that you must endure these attacks on top of all your health issues.

I had times where I couldn't leave the house, bawled on my front driveway, shaking and confused and sad and unable to move. That you differentiate from panic to despair is enough that you are making the right decision finding your psych's number. It sounds like time.

Try to have faith that the psych is on your side.

I am not quite up to leaving a vibrant well wish but please find here a heartfelt hug instead.

Love Carol xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

I'm going to give you the Leather Omnibus award for the silliest thing ever said:

felt I had nothing to offer

Oh dear, you really have no idea what your presence does - do you?

I'm quite selfish you know, I come here because your gentle soothing presence and wry humor is a balm. You do not have to think deep sage words, just being you is all it takes.

I mentioned to Sumo Cat that you'd said he was special, he just stared at me (he is the proud possessor of an all-purpose stare) , which I took to be cat talk for "Naturally".

I hope you get your psych appointment soon. I think Carol may be right that it's time for it on that basis. I found being able to stand a little outside and identify the particular antic my brain was up to was a sign of improvement.

Dear Carol: I might have missed you, or have you been rather quiet of late? I hope you are soon up to distributing 'vibrant well wishes' with abandon.

Hugs to whichever recipients can use them

Croix

[Guest_9809]

Dearest Ava. Its a week since we last heard from you, and I do get concerned when I dont hear from my good friends in a while. (-:

How are you doing? Last time we spoke you were dealing with feelings of utter despair. Even to the extent that you were trying to make an appointment with your psych. Good news! Did you hear back from them, and do you have an appointment now?

Oh and thanks Croix about your comment to Ava regarding her "having nothing to offer" on my thread. Ava obviously has no idea of her own value or the impact of the care, wisdom and light she dispenses to everyone else. So very true what you say - Ava's kind and gentle presence is a soothing balm and her humour is witty and uplifting. You are a delight where ever you go Ava.

Looking forward to hearing from you again soon, and hoping you are finding ways to overcome the worst of your despair.

The kindest of wishes, the happiest of thoughts, and the gratefulest hugs to you.

Taurus xx

[Guest_9809]

Hi Ava. I've been thinking of you and thought I would quickly drop you a line to see how you are doing.

I am going away for a week from first thing on Wednesday morning and will be off-line for just on a week.

I know everything is difficult for you at the best of times, but I am hoping that perhaps something is starting to work in relation to giving you some respite from the physical pain you have been having for such a long time.

Perhaps you have been back in hospital again, explaining why we have not heard from you in quite a while.

Whatever is happening, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

Wishing you what you so very much deserve - all the love in the world, respite from your pain, peace of mind, understanding from P, and a great big teary hug from me.

Love to you.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

this is a 'me too' post, echoing Taurus' sentiments.

Thinking of you, hoping all is well and that the little curly dog is in the pink.

Sumo cat inquires when you were going to issue his next well-deserved compliment?

Croix

[Lost_Girl]

Dear Ava,

Me three.

If you are stuck back in the dreaded "hopspittle" as my 4 year old calls it, I hope at least they are giving you the good jelly.

I do hope that the current treatment is starting to work. We are all missing you in our lives. You make such a difference here.

Looking forward to hearing your kind thoughts when you are feeling up to it. In the meantime I have this big scroll painting. It has the most gorgeous country scene with amazing rolling hills and wildflowers in abundance. Here, I will just roll in out. It should be big enough to disguise these hospital walls. There! That's much better.

A room with a view.

Big gentle hugs xx

[Wednesday]

My adorable and very dear friends, Croix, Carol and Taurus.

What would I do without you? Thank you for keeping me on track. I have my psych visit tomorrow, I'm not looking forward to it though. My doctor said it may take a couple of visits for him, (who she doesn't know and he may be either good or bad) to get through my history, which is kinda funny since she doest know much of my history, groan.

Your lovely post made me tear up. Funny how people being nice to me makes me feel like crying, thank you so much. You have no idea how grateful I am, but I am sincerely grateful.

I am sure there are many worse off than me.

I haven't spent any inpatient time in hospital just a lot of out patient time and resting. Side effects from meds, you know the sort nausea, dizziness etc. I take 12 to 20+ tablets a day, depending on the day so I guess that is not so surprising.

The problem with these sort of illnesses is they are complex and even the doctors get frustrated. I'm walking a little better, new physio and new exercises. I still walk like a very odd duck and have to resort to crutches if I need to walk any distance. Pain schmain my new physio pointed out that because I have chronic pain I have taught myself to disassociate (for want of another word) from pain, and not rest enough, clever of me I think. Hey and here's me thinking I'm taking it easy (grin).

Skyping with my grandson is always a highlight. his last gem was to explain to me how thunder and lightening work. Did you know that when clouds bumps together it makes thunder and creates a crack in the sky where the lightening comes from? Gee I am so dumb I had another explanation.

Lovely, I feel like I'm back chatting with my friends.

It is hard to think that I don't actually have any solution and that decisions I would have taken up in my younger days are not options for me and I need to learn to live within boundaries I don't agree with. Okay so much for philosophy.

The Curly one is by my side as I write no doubt thinking that there may be a treat on the way sometime soon and there will be.

Precious ones please be so very kind to yourselves. Hugs. xx