I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Hello dearest Taurus,

Always lovely to have you drop by.

My energy is fairly low and I find P's moods difficult, nothing that you don't know about. Of course he can be very sweet, but I can get under his skin easily.

The doctors visit confirmed all my worse fears, I have everything in mega doses, my body is just closing down and not coping. I even have an staph bug that is antibiotic resistant, probably caught in a hospital. More meds etc to take to try to sort out so many things.

Time for a lie down and cuddle up with all the hugs.

I hope things are improving for you and you are taking very good care of yourself.

Lots of hugs, xx

Forgive my short posts I am all of an ache and need to lie down.

[Guest_9809]

Oh Ava, I am sorry the news from the Dr's appointment wasnt better than it was. You just keep getting hit with disappointing news dont you? Life is so unfair! Says me as I stamp my foot in a frustrated and angry outburst! Oops, sorry about that. You really dont need a temper tantrum from me do you?

Well that all explains why you have been quiet the past week anyway. Hopefully the new lot of meds will help things, especially that staph infection. Yes of course hospitals are the absolute best place to go if you want to pick up a good staph infection! Yep, thats right - temper before, and now a heavy dose of sarcasm. Maybe I should quit now? Nahh, I will carry on regardles. I think you know me well enough now to take it all in the manner its meant.

I so wish P would accept that he has a problem with his anxiety that he is not able to cope with adequately on his own. You both need him to accept this, to make your lives so much easier and more harmonious than they are now. Certainly you deserve far better treatment from him that you get now. You need support from him, and not the constant moods that makes harmony impossible. Have you ever asked him if he would see a GP together with you, to discuss his GAD? Just as a starting point at least, and maybe a psych to follow.

Am I correct in thinking that you have given yourselves until mid year to decide whether you can continue to make a go of your relationship? I could read back through lots of pages I guess, but I could still miss it. So I ask again, and in doing so, remind you of that pact you had.

Gosh Ava, I so wish I could take away all your aches, pains and ills. Or even just some of them, allowing you to share them around a bit. Certainly its not fair that you should be saddled with literally everything.

Short posts are not a problem at all Ava. Thanks for making the effort to respond at all, when you are obviously in considerable pain and distress. Its always good to hear from you, short posts included.

Another hug coming your way. Watch out .... its a big one, but still gentle.

Okay, I must allow you to go and rest now.

Taurus xx

[blondguy]

Hey Ava

I just popped in to answer your reply from a few days ago.....that doesnt matter right now

Im sorry to read about your staph infection....Hospitals have been trying to deal with golden staph for decades....Its really sad that we still cant fix this

Mega Hugs & Peace for you Ava

Paulxox

[Emmy.]

Ava I just wish I had that magic wand to make everything better ...

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome."

Big hugs to you hun. Xx

[Wednesday]

Dearest Taurus

You are such a sweetie. Thank you for your foot stomping tanty, care and support.

P is not going to get any help, because he is okay with how things are. As to my deadline. I am such a mess that I can't think of such things now. He does try but his GAD makes it seem to him like it's all about him, tricky. I find his withdrawal stuff really difficult when I just want a hug. The docs have me well supplied with enough meds to keep the pain at bay. Keeping my mood stable is hard tho, it seems to be all over the place. Before you ask no I haven't found the referral letter yet, it will be somewhere safe tho. I large quantities of supplements as a band aide and they do help.

Thanks for the hugs and right back at you. xx

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Paul,

You treasure, thanks for keeping an eye on me.

My functional med doctor has something that may/will help the staph issue but is going to take a while. I need to organise myself to buy the stuff etc, you know the routine. How can anyone have so many bits and pieces all go wrong at the same time? I think are all sort of related, just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Hello lovely,

Yes where is that dam magic wand when you need it?

Thank you for your quote I am going to add it to the fridge to look at all the time.

Dont worry about me, but do please make sure that you're taking good care of yourself.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

I just don't understand. I can be doing anything and suddenly for no reason I have an overwhelming feeling of panic ( though not a panic attack) I can feel myself welling up and wanting to disappear on the spot and burst into tears. Anyway just wanted to tell someone.

[Guest_9809]

Oh Ava, I am so sorry you are feeling like this right now. And my apologies for not being in to see you since my last post on 4th March. I have been so slack! Actually I have been sticking pretty much only to my own thread for the past week or so, which is why I havent been in to check on you. But when I was on here checking my own thread a minute ago, I noticed you'd posted.

I can sympathise with you about not understanding panic. I had a bad panic attack myself on the weekend. Its really frightening, and hard to get yourself to snap out of it. Its like it just carries you away. And yep, plenty of tears too.

I'm glad you reached out to tell us, because thats something you rarely do. Which makes me think you are not in good shape right now. Try to calm your breathing, stay in the present, ground yourself by checking your surroundings and naming everything you see, give Happy a cuddle.

I'm sorry I cant be more help Ava, I'm flat out helping myself right now. But please know I am thinking of you, and sobbing along with you. I am sure someone else will come along and offer far better advice than I am capable of doing.

In the meantime dear lady, a big comforting hug is coming your way, from me.

Kindest,

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Wednesday~

I wanted to tell you I understand and know the feeling. That up welling of ungoverned emotion and start of uncorrected tears.

It's happening to me because my mind unearthed an unpleasant experience (I forgot if I mentioned it but I made a thread out of it). Now if my thoughts stray in that direction I start to react. Not badly, I can overcome it now.

You may have no idea what specifically is triggering you. At least I know.

Take care.

Menagerie has all (except Nasty Cat of course) asked me to forward their rather fishy good wishes (I just opened another can at their demand.)

Croix