I’m back and I need support

[Chicken_Wings]

I haven’t posted in a long time. I haven’t exactly been “well” the whole time, but I’ve been pretty good. It seems though that I’m starting to experience another low.

There are a number of things which seem to have lead to the feelings I’m having right now.

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal.

I’ve just had another birthday, the older I get the less I look forward to them as they remind me of what I haven’t done.

Just came back from a trip to see mum (who used to be my go-to support person) and I can see she’s gotten worse. I don’t feel it’s fair any more to ask her to be my shoulder when I need one as she has enough on her plate.

Ive noticed that she is beginning to use me as her emotional support which means I put effort into appearing positive for her.

My boyfriend is not very helpful with my anxiety and depression as he also has anxiety and deals with it completely differently.

I feel like these things have built up on me a bit and now I’m feeling tense and anxious. I’m scared and sad and feeling isolated.

My fear is manifesting itself into pyhsical symptoms now. I’m not eating that well and I feel like my brain isn’t as quick as it has been, like I can’t keep up.

I kind of just need to tell someone these things and hopefully hear that it’s ok to feel this way. That this is temporary and that with effort I can feel like myself again.

[BballJ]

Hi Chicken Wings,

Welcome back to the forums.

Sorry to hear about your mum and her cancer diagnosis, that is something that is always hard to accept especially when she has been your support through all your own battles. I can understand why you feel the way you do, and it is totally fine to feel that way as well. You have been through a lot so all of this building up makes sense. The physical symptoms are stuff I have experienced with my anxiety as well, you feel like there is a constant knot in your stomach and even though you may be hungry, you cannot eat. Hopefully you can relate to that somehow.

Do you think you are struggling most with your mum being terminally ill? Did it start from that? Sorry if that is a tough question just trying to gauge where you are at with it

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Jay,

Ive been on medication for 17 years so this started before mum got sick.

I generally find myself low over the holidays these days. They used to be my favourite time of year but the older I get the less I enjoy them (my birthday is rolled in there).

Now that mum is sick it’s added another layer. I worry about her, I worry that she is scared. I worry that I’m not there when she needs me.

I of course worry about being without her and what will happen to my mental health when I lose her.

I’ve lost my appetite tonight. Sometimes I’ll go days without eating. It adds to the tiredness, but just the thought of food makes me feel sick.

I also get a sort of foggy brain, almost like I get dumber. That happened today and I sort of freaked out and convinced myself there was something physically wrong with me.

I don’t really have anyone I can say these things to in person. I have a partner but he’s not good with feelings.

[geoff]

hello Chicken Wings, I'm awfully sorry to hear about your mum, and when we do get older birthdays aren't the most pleasant event, I'm 63 years old.

It is amazing all the support I gave my 2 sons while they were growing up, physical and emotional has now changed to the latter only, exactly the same happened with my Dad and it will continue on, so it's difficult to understand but more so it's very sad that eventually we have to realise we do get old.

I'm sure what you have learnt from counselling from your mum over all these years will remain with you, I know at the moment you don't feel strong but you actually are, you have gained from experiences, but it's hidden away by your illness.

As time goes by decisions will need to be made because she may not be able to, so try and stay strong for her, and yes it is OK to feel this way, it's only natural.

Look after yourself and I am pleased to hear from you again. Geoff.

[BballJ]

Hi Chicken Wings,

I am sorry you are feeling like that. I am glad you find these forums as a place you can talk about this stuff. It is exactly what they are here for.

It seems the fact your mum has got sick has really pushed this further and joined up with your feelings that you get over the holidays. I am sure your mum knows you are there for her as much as you can be. There would be no doubt about that. All you can do is start controlling what you can control. Call your mum everyday if you cannot see her, send her a message, anything just to put your mind at ease that you are there for her as much as you can be. I am sure she would want you to be taking care of yourself as well. I have been through the no appetite stage as well. It is hard. How can we help but, is there anything we can do?

My best,

Jay

[blondguy]

Hello Chicken Wings

My heart goes out to you with your mum and her diagnosis. There are no words that I can say that bring you any comfort with your mum....

BballJ is spot on with his post about your mum's health maybe being one of the catalysts that have brought you into such a dark place.

Can I ask how your partner deals with his anxiety? If not no worries at all. This is my 21st year (which you probably know anyway) on my meds. I still see my GP every 4 weeks for a fine tune to keep my depression manageable.

I also get the same 'brain fog' as you do CW. You are not on your own there

You have always been part of the forum family

We are here for you

Paul

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Blondguy & BballJ,

mum likes in England so the best I can do is chat to her on messenger. We talk almost every day.

My partner tends to withdraw when he is anxious, whereas I seek out a shoulder to cry on. He also quite easily takes something like medication to calm down, whereas I have trouble taking additional medication.

Ive managed to eat a little today and this evening feel less foggy. I’m feeling hopeful.

[BballJ]

Hi Chicken Wings,

I am glad you managed to eat a it today, it all takes time. Every day is a chance to feel better and get better. It is good you are messaging your mum everyday, that probably means the world to her.

Keep your head up.

My best,

Jay

[Chicken_Wings]

I’m back to seeing a psych, I had my first appointment last week.

Ive also been to my gp to check there is nothing physically wrong with me.

I have another appointment with the psych tomorrow.

I was doing well until yesterday. I had a few down moments but nothing major. Then yesterday afternoon I feel like I regressed.

I’m tense again, I’m scared there is something wrong with me physically again. I’m crying without real reason.

I can’t stop thinking. All the time thinking about all the dumbs things your brain thinks about.

I tried to do some guided mindfulness last night and I couldn’t even get through the introduction.

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings,

I am so very sorry to hear about your mum. Really so very sorry,

We met on my other thread a couple of weeks ago, I just saw you thread bumped up and thought I would come in and say hello, if that's okay

CW, it's hard to still a chatty mind, I was told once that your brain can only think one thought at a time, Meditation is good but hard to still our minds if there to active, Do you like music? I still my mind by listening to one instrument and following only that instrument through the song, maybe that might work for you,

You said you lost your appetite, that's understandable in your situation, but honey, you need to stay strong for yourself, you need to look after yourself.

My birthday is a month away, and the years seem to go quicker each year, instead of thinking about what you didn't do, maybe try to think about some nice happy things and times that you had.

I am sorry that you are crying, I do that a lot, I think it's a release of stress anxiety, hurt, I'm not sure.

i hope I was a little help, you help me feel better on my thread, I want to try and support and help you if it's alright with you because I care about you.

Kindness only,

Karen.