I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hey guys

i dont know if its a case of fully fledged financial independence yet quercus, more a case of finding something to do between now and when i graduate. I need money because i want to be able to buy stuff but also because i want experience. I find evem thinking about work can bring about anxiety. Even when you just mentioned it in your post i get sick. I think is because i dont view my chances. I actually do feel like a failure as im 23 with very little real world experience. But i have done tutoring around the place which means i can interact with people no dramas. I also did an internship at the uni too. These were no doubt helpful in getting me a job offer from that bookstore. I think i woulda had to compete with others in interviews but then again its a step in the right direction.

The reason i knocked it back was because i felt my anxiety and depression were getting the better of me at that point.

ill continue the rest of this on my pc, give me a few minutes

[HamSolo01]

I really can't get my head around the problem i have with working. I think it's also because i feel like a lazy, good for nothing bludger. I hate myself for it, but i don't even know if it's true. I guess i felt like the bookshop stuff was going to be too much. This is where i spiral down though. I begin to see all the interactions i have had in the past and remember stuff that worked out. I remember the internship and having to speak to the heads of the departments, i remember speaking with new people on monday at the training, i remember being assertive and confident in classes at uni when i've had to be. None of that was EASY but i still kinda managed it. But I think this is the problem, I want it to be easy. I hate that something i'm seemingly able to do in some circumstances is harder in others. It's strange because i can view and remember all these times in my life where things have worked out well, and i just cant seem to shake the anxiety that comes with working.

The bookshop thing was good because it was in a section i knew about and studied about. I even wrote a letter explaining how i was keen to share my knowledge and stuff from uni along with my experience as a tutor. Even put a bit about how i used to go to that bookstore as a kid, just to give it a bit of personal touch. Basically i constructed a narrative. I think this is the problem too. It goes back to the whole thing where I sell myself short. I can do this sort of thing, but i think i feel like its so fake its just a put on and i get exhausted with it. I couldn't ring them back because i freaked out that i would forget how to be normal on the phone. I'm even having doubts now about whether i can do that volunteer thing at the airport - because it requires going up to people. THIS is something that I freak out over. NOT because i dont think i can be friendly and easy going and helpful (because there is evidence of that) but its actually because of my height. I honestly feel at times that people are just too intimidated by it and it throws them off. People are fickle like that and it annoys me. I mean I'm not trying to eat them or something. But as a result of both being quite tall, but also shy and reserved i kind of fall flat on my face. I'm really self conscious about my weight too, i feel like im too skinny. I've lost weight when i wanted to put it on. (see how the negative thinking thing spirals out of control again? its really strong and deep seated)

[HamSolo01]

This is also where a lot of the self-consciousness comes through.

I guess it's a chain reaction. I see that i have virtually no money in the bank, then i start to see how sad i am, then i see how inadequate i am, then i see how hopeless my situation is (despite the fact that it's not really), then i start to view myself in a negative light, then i start to see how much i have screwed up...... it's a MASSIVE chain reaction. All kicked off by something as simple as looking for money.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. IT also then delves into how im still a virgin, the fact i look skinny (i dont even know if i am or not), then its about how everyone around me is doing better, then its about how friends have abandoned me (or that i might've even turned them away)..... again... see how its negative thinking all over?

But in answer to your question, i guess the thing that puts me off the MOST? is the fear that i will screw up. I have memories of times i have done stupid things in front of people and crowds and i just freak out that it will happen again. I'll just be that tall freak who can't manage. But to be honest, i think its lessened a bit. But then idk.

I tried an employment service but they were terrible. Immensely condescending and just did not care whatsoever. Plus it made me feel worse. I realised that I pretty much did not need them.

I guess the solution in the short term is to keep an eye out for stuff that is suited to where I am at in my mental health journey. I have the uni job search thing (the only work i've ever done has been found through that). But i could probably look for basic data entry stuff too idk? Where would i find that?

But you see, it becomes a roller coaster. I just feel so nervous about work. Despite the fact I'm not an idiot, i still FEEL like one.. I worry it will show.

Part of the approach the new psych takes is goal setting and i guess this is something i want to raise tomorrow.

Gotta admit, I feel pretty down at the moment because of this. I feel like a failure again. It's all about how others are out there enjoying life and im stuck at home.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

You said in your second post:

"see how the negative thinking thing spirals out of control again? its really strong and deep seated"

Did you talk to your psychiatrist about strategies to manage this yesterday?

It sounds like you do a lot of ruminating and that's where the negative thoughts can get out of hand.

It's good to cast a critical eye over yourself, but it's important to make sure this doesn't dip into critique and negativity. It's also important to remember that we cast a critical eye to find opportunities for improvement, and improvement takes a long time so we don't need to do a check on ourselves each day.

Are you able to distract yourself when these thoughts start?

If you're like me, a lot of the thoughts will have probably been thought about a couple of days ago, so from the perspective of self-improvement (which takes a long time), they're not useful thoughts.

About the self-doubt regarding work: have you ever read Hamlet? That's a wonderful example of just how hard self-doubt and endless rumination can be. It's sad because he gets so caught up in the thinking, that he ends up acting with pretty bad results. So we need to learn how to be a bit more spontaneous as well. For example, I catch myself making long as plans about what I'm going to do, then I realise I haven't done anything. That's usually when I put the plans aside, and just do what I was planning - go for a run, search for jobs, call my friend.

James

[james1]

Sorry I forgot to post my strategies for distracting myself..silly me.

So some of the things I learnt to do last year was:

- as soon as I catch myself saying or thinking something negative, change the topic

- post on other people's threads to stop myself from thinking about me

- run really fast and set goals for my running

- message a friend and tell them to distract me

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

You're not alone in this work anxiety. I finished my degree and would look at the jobs and feel too useless to apply for any of them. There would always be a reason to not put myself out there.

My friend practically dragged me to her work and said stand there and serve customers. I was terrifed. What if I got their change wrong? What if I couldn't remember the price of something? What if they yelled at me? How the hell did I finish a degree and yet have no bloody life skills?

I felt useless because I couldn't even master checkout without melting down. But the customers were kind. The staff were supportive and lovely and patient. The nerves only lasted a week until I got a routine. Then I realised I was enjoying myself. I loved the staff they were like a family. And I liked the paycheck. I liked being able to tell my parents thank you but I can now pay my own rent.

You mentioned a family friend offering you work before. Is that still an option? Sometimes we just need that helping hand to get us started. You've got to start somewhere even if it feels like a silly job. Every bit of practise helps you to gain confidence.

You've got this. It is so bloody scary starting a new job I do get that feeling. But once you're there you'll learn and it will be ok. You will mess up at some point (everyone does) and feel like an idiot but that is part of learning. If you find a supportive environment the other staff will help you laugh it off and try again. As to your height there is a young bloke working at our local bakery who is extremely tall and slim. Yet noone is intimidated because he always has a smile. The older ladies in particular wait for him to serve them because they like how he always makes the time to be polite. Everyone makes mistakes at work (anyone who says they don't is a liar) the trick is to apologise with a smile and make sure people know you're trying your best.

[HamSolo01]

Today has been a very rough day indeed.

I think I need to take the next week off from worrying about finding employment, and simply just apply for SOMETHING once a day. Whether it's an internship, volunteer role or maybe some tutoring work.

Today I feel like dying. I'll be honest. I just feel so low and depressed. Like I've wasted my time (again with that one).

I had to sleep this afternoon because i came from gym really upset. That's twice it has happened now. I think it's because it feels like it's not having any results. No one has commented on it. It's fickle of me I know but that's just how it is and I'm just trying to be open.

The thought that I'm where I am at 23 is just so bitterly disappointing. I just want it all to go away.

I'm anxious and depressed and i feel like life is not worth living. The problem is though that I'm intelligent enough not to let it get to me so much that I want to kill myself. I told my sister that yesterday the only thing preventing me from killing myself was the fact i was seeing the psych. I guess that worked too.

I'm seeing my psych tomorrow (the new one again) so i will raise the work topic with him and the suicide. I guess that's the point of the new medication too, it being a mood stabiliser.

I think I need to tune out from the world a bit more too. Listening to the news and stuff just makes me feel guilty that I am not out there doing anything with my life except uni and that's it.

I had to tell my student that i couldn't do tutoring yesterday as well. Was honest and said it was mental health related.

What frustrates me so much about my MH is that I KNOW I can be social and all that, but it's like I just fail so much at the door. I even begin to doubt the times where I was sociable, thinking that I was just weird and they were being kind and putting up with it. It's pathological surely? Anyways I don't know anymore.

I'm just sick of all this. I really am . I don't even know if I'm sane.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Glad to read that you are in a better state of mind at the moment, the psych really does seem to help you a lot which is great. I am trying to decipher your last few posts and one theme I took from them all is that you are trying to fix everything all in one go. I know you said you are discussing goal setting with your new psych tomorrow I believe, which is great and I am a big fan of goal setting or making lists. I think once it's in writing you can focus all your energy on certain tasks and when you tick them off, it is an achievement and something to be proud off. You want to change so much but that is I believe is where it become overwhelming. This is all from personal experience of course.

I know it all seems like a big pile of stuff you look up to and you are trying how to work out how to climb over the whole thing but I think breaking it down in small things and working on them individually is an idea. Of course your psych will give you the best direction and I may be way off base.

Quercus - just wanted to clarify in my post above.. I wasn't criticising your post in any way shape or form when I said I didn't want to add on the stuff that was said in previous posts by HamSolo01. I simply meant it in that I didn't want to say anymore on it, as everyone else had covered it off.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

Something that always works for me when I'm in a similar position to you and questioning what my value even is, is to go away.

Like you said, it helps tune out from the human world and lets you just focus on being you in a much more natural, non-judgmental environment.

You can get away from the pressure of being at work, of needing to be at work, of friends' expectations and comparisons with other people.

I did an overnight camp at Kosciuszko and that was lovely. Another time I stayed in a hostel in the Grampians and did day hikes (too cold to camp) a little while after my break-up when I felt I was going nowhere and had just wasted 24 years of my life. That trip was amazing to just remember what is out there in life aside from work I wasn't enjoying, a failed relationship and parents I couldn't stand. And appreciating the other stuff actually helps you put a more positive perspective on the less good stuff too.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey all

today i feel a bit better, i think it might be the new medication. Either way it's good. It's not solving it, but it's like a form of happiness - Soma (remember that from BNW James1?). But the thing is, I'm not taking it at the command of the World State lol.

Off to the psych this arvo. But I have planned to meet with that student again today. Going over HSC stuff.

I also "composed" a short poem/free verse just now. I did it while listening to the theme from Cloud Atlas (A movie that's 3 hours long, based on a book and is all about how we as people continually impact one another through time, where things that took place centuries ago reverberate through history). It's kind of like that idea of the Butterfly effect. To think that so many things could never have happened had certain people never made certain choices. I would never have existed had my dad decided to speak to my mum on that tour group. He wouldn't exist if my grandad didnt marry my grandma.. he wouldn't exist if his dad didn't travel from the other side of the world and arrive in Australia. I feel like this movie captures a feeling I have within me. About how things can work out fine in the end, even while we are on that journey we may never look out the window of the train, but we arrive at the station and open up the map to see just how far we have come. I guess this is how it feels now.

"I close my eyes

I imagine a reality

Whereupon you don’t exist

All things that could’ve been

All things that should’ve been

All things that would’ve been



I ponder my life now

In this, this ever-changing world inside me

The world that shakes and rocks my inner core

With its snow-covered mountain peaks

It’s luke-warm gungy swamps

I have traversed these peaks, I have waded through those
swamps

With that sunset up ahead, kissing the horizon oh so gently

I am still

I see that I have far to travel

Yet I have come so far

The clouds are settled. Blanketing the sunlight.

The sky is orange. A tinge of blue and grey

The bird sings its song and it echoes through the valley"

My mental health journey is essentially a world that exists within me. One of many. I suppose I have many worlds in my being, a universe even. Reminds me of a phrase I heard once that we all have a universe in us.

Today I feel like I've made progress in my MH. Not that it's all solved. I think accepting it is part of that fight. It's a fight for me to accept my MH but once I do it is okay 🙂