I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
its probably because i feel like its the only place i can freely talk about whats going on for me
in the past the only thing thats worked is supressing it down and im sick of doing that
but it also feels utterly useless to talk about it with anyone at all
i know and feel for a fact that i really dont like myself. I dont believe i ever will. When my old psych told me that i had to just accept myself i felt annoyed. I cant do it. Theres no point to why i should i feel.
right now im at home on my own and im tempted to end it but i am seeing my psychistrist in 90mins so im holding out for that
mum texted me saying have a sleep so im trying to now.. but i keep remembering all the reasons why i dont deserve to. Nothing has changed in 4 years time and im here on my own in my life.
All i simply want is to be like any normal 23 year old. Im not and i never will be normal. Im not interested in what people say.. they get paid to say it so it'd probably be wrong.
I just want to hit rewind and go back to school and start over. Things would be so much better thst way. But that wont happen so why bother
Hi HamSolo01, please keep talking here as long as you find it helpful. Thanks also for the great support you provided Eve23 in her social anxiety thread this afternoon - that you are able to be so kind and supportive of others on a really bad day like today when you're struggling with thoughts of suicide shows a real strength and resilience.
Try to approach your psych appointment this afternoon with the assumption that he is there to help, and please let us know how it went.
If you are in danger between now and your psychiatrist, can you give the hospital a call? Even if not, it's important that you do tell your psychiatrist about what you're feeling right now.
I don't know how it feels to be you, but I can see you're struggling a lot with lots of feelings. Some of those seem to be frustration, helplessness and regret. It would be good to talk to your psychiatrist about how you feel and not a suppressed version of that.
It's been a crappy few days for you from what I can see, and you are right in saying that your upbringing and school life will never be normal. It's in the past and we can't change that.
But you've been making real efforts to try and change the path from here, and nobody, not even you or I, can know what that looks like. All we know is that there are many different possibilities for the future - some good, some bad - and you're trying really hard to achieve the good ones.
Not long till the psychiatrist appointment just hold on ok. Please keep yourself safe.
The psychiatrist will tell you if he thinks you need to be in hospital. Just be honest about how you are feeling. James had a good point about it being hard to know where to start when you're so angry. That's why I think let him read the posts. At least then you know he's got the whole story.
On your good days you have said your parents love you. You just can't see it right now. They do care, we do care. Even if it feels like everyone has given up on you that isn't true. Thats the depression speaking. Please keep yourself safe.
I have sat here reading through each one of your posts.. as you can tell we are all concerned about your well being... it's ok that this is the place you feel you can vent but I do hope you told your psych about all of this and maybe even showed them the posts.
I know everyone is giving you their takes on everything and I won't keep going on about it...I know you are not in a great place right now but keep replying to us... please tell us how the appointment with the psych went?
We just want to make sure you are ok.
I'm with Jay...
Been feeling crap about defending your parents when you were so low and probably didn't want to hear that.
What I should have said is just that I hear you. The pain you're in is valid. Please be safe. And that we care. I care. You're an important part of this BB community. You support others and even your struggles help others too.
I hope you are alright. Please let us know when you feel able to.
hey guys, thanks again for stopping by
what a day its been
two key things my psychiatrist pointed out today were how hindsight will inevitably colour our perspectives of ourselves. Second thing was that victimising oneself can entertain the notion that this damage can be permanent. He said be aware of thinking that its permanent, because it isnt.
He put me on a new med too, its used for bipolar and depression. Mood stabiliser. This will hopefully help with suicidal ideation. That was the main thing to grapple with because the rest is through the new psych.
My parents wanted to make sure that i was okay though when i got home. So that was good. I guess the point is to accept the past whereupon i can move into the future.
This will be a key theme of the psych sessions i reckon. Goal setting. First and forenost with thst is to get something into a routine where i make money. So i need ideas in that realm. Starting very small.
I know for a fact i can interact with people as im not inept. Even had my friend tell me that some others i was out with on saturday night thought i was good chatting to them. I know the whole women/sex thing is an issue in my mind, but in reality i can still speak to girls. Its just meeting them and/or going up to them i suppose. But because i have a perceptive mind i can know what to say to them and keep a conversation going. Plus i have good sense of humour and girls like to laugh haha 😛 but at this point its a case of patience. I must remember that im not into giving myself off cheaply. But i must also open up and this is the core challege with my MH battle. Slowly but surely its changing.
I believe some of my percieved inadequecy comes from the people i use to hang with as well. Often it boils down to "what would xyz think". But who cares. I dont even hate them.
Im beginning to see the true self thst exists underneath. I guess it just takes time to click into place.
I told him all the stuff i posted here, i remembered it all. Plus i copied it on here from my notebook. Ive got a MH notebook now.
Ill have more in the morning. But for now, good night 🙂
thanks again too, was a tough day today
Such a relief to see the mood has passed a little. I hope in the morning you continue to feel ok.
I like this...
that victimising oneself can entertain the notion that this damage can be permanent
That makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. We're more than just our shitty life experiences. We grow and change and adapt. Who we were once is not who we're destined to be forever.
And I'm glad to hear about the new meds. Really hope to hear they help soon.
Small steps. Little changes. You can do this. Financial independence is a really good place to start. Putting yourself out there to find work is daunting but worth it. Just imagine how good you'll feel to have your own place. A lot of the anger yesterday seemed to be directed at your parents but I keep wondering if living at home contributed to this. You're trying to find the space to become your own person in your own right independent of your parents. Because you are an adult with your own wants and needs and priorities. But it's their house... their rules so you're kind of restricted. Does that make any sense?
So jobs... You mentioned the bookshop. Any chance you could go visit and ask if the job is still available? What is the hardest part you find about the job hunt? Is it the idea you might not be any good at the job? The initial getting to know the staff routine? What was it that stopped you from accepting the job in the bookshop?
Oh I forgot to ask... How did the airport volunteering go? You're familiar with the environment why not see if there are any jobs going there? Customs is always recruiting.
Anyway kids are awake the day begins. Take care of yourself ok.
I'm glad your psych was able to help you find that perspective and new medication, and that your parents showed their concern as well.
Quercus had some awesome ideas about the bookshop and airport, perhaps in the retail areas even. Job hunting is difficult so it could take a little bit of time, but you'll find something.
It's hard to open up, so I just thought I'd send a little reminder that nobody is going to judge you here. If you're feeling like you're slowly crumbling, let us know and we can help remind you that you're still moving forward. That way you won't feel like you need to hide and bottle everything in. It'll be easier 🙂