I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

I had a chat to my sister this morning in the care about employment.

My new job I start in Thursday will pay well. Then if I get another after I can save up and travel.

This idea occurred to me yesterday because I keep recalling the good, beneficial experiences I had when I was overseas last year in November and December. I came back from that trip feeling like I'd learned a good deal about myself, people and the world.

I think I caught a bit of the travel bug tbh. I am beginning to think that I need to do this again perhaps?

I learned heaps. I learned that there is so much more to me as a person deep down that I can appreciate.

Before I left I watched a neurology/psychiatric lecture and the person mentioned this:

"We think more than we can say. We feel more than we can think. We live more than we can feel. And there is much else besides"

I think that this sums up my experience.

There is definitely much more to us than meets the eye.

This is true for every one of us.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Sorry for the delay I had a bad night. Thank goodness for meds that work.

I think your idea to revisit the idea of intimacy and beliefs and religion is a fantastic and worthwhile idea.

When you write about being religious at school I feel like there is a lot of anger but also sadness and confusion and guilt. I'm probably wrong and most likely projecting my own emotions. But sexuality and religion were difficult for me to work through too so I do relate.

I have mentioned an abusive relationship before. Part of why I stayed for so long was immense guilt and a feeling of disgust in myself. It was hard to accept that I had allowed myself to become intimate with someone who made my skin crawl.

There was a huge element of shame when I realised the idea of a family with this man repulsed me. The idea of marrying him revolted me. But I stayed because I had sex with him and I felt strongly that that was supposed to be for my husband alone.

I compare that to now. Even though hubby and I argue like mad and there are good days and horrible ones and times where I worry he will pack up and leave it feels right to me to be with him. There isn't any shame or guilt.

What I'm saying I suppose is there is nothing wrong with not feeling the same as others about sex. I couldn't care less about what other people like to do. It took me time to learn what matters is that I feel comfortable with my actions.

Part of that is figuring out what it IS that you feel comfortable with.

For me marriage was sexually liberating. I hadn't realised that my own beliefs were what made me feel uncomfortable about sex.

The difference in how I felt before we were married and after was surprising to me. It was like committing to my husband allowed me to accept that I am quite a sexual person which before was a source of shame and guilt.

Enough. I am waffling about myself and it is boring. Definately worth talking to your psych about.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I thought I'd jump in here just to give you some feedback.

I think the way you look at your condition is quite inspiring to be honest.

I haven't met you in person so I don't know how badly this affects you. I know you have spent time in hospital and I can relate to that. But I have been reading your most recent messages and your attitude and perspective on this must be commended. It's inspiring actually reading your takes on this and I only wish I could have as much as you do.

I'm in no way attempting to diminish your own situation. I just think the way you discuss it on this forum is very enlightening and is badly needed in the way we talk about relationships in public discourse.

"I genuinely think that I am in the latter stages of the negatives of my mental health. I'm not saying I am cured because that's a bit too obtuse for something so broad. I just think I manage things better."

Wow, that's a powerful thing to say and I hope you can take great pride in that. You have come an awfully long way and you still have so much to look forward to and to develop on.

"We are complex beings and I believe that problems exist that are comorbid. I heard this term this morning and I like it. There are comorbid issues for me in this entire area."

Yep, so true. This is something I'm coming to realise about myself as well.

I thought I'd mention that because I really think you have made progress. Generally its hard to see what kind of progress we have made unless someone shows us.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron and Nat.

Thanks again for your support and ongoing contributions. They mean a lot.

Nat, what you wrote is familiar to me because of what was taught in the church I attended. So I do see what you are saying. Bad stuff. I am glad to hear you are where you are now :)

You're quite right in fact.. Regret and sadness, anger and guilt over religion when I was younger. However most of that is now dead. It's just a ghost that haunts. I'm agnostic but with a tendency to think that there might be some greater designer to all of this. But definitely not the strict interpretation of the Christian God and jesus christ etc. Deism > theism.

The only part that remains now is the regret. But so what. Life goes on. And so the journey continues. That's all in the rear view mirror now.

I admire hour attidue Nat, I really do. It's encouraging :)

Thanks Aaron. You are a good man. I can see this progression in myself in fact. At times it hits me and others I forget. But hey, where I stand now is better than where I was and maybe that's all that matters?

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

No worries, I think its important that you receive that feedback. It's inspiring and encouraging me to actually make some small changes of my own.

You are certainly in a better place now than where you were before. It may not feel like much but its a start and something that you can keep building on. Don't have a ceiling on what you can achieve. Just keep improving day to day and build yourself into a well rounded individual. I don't know if that means much to you but it is what I am trying to do and I got that motivation from you. So keep at it my dude 👊

[HamSolo01]

Hey followers.

Two years it's been since I joined the forums here.

A lot has changed and yet much has stayed the same. I believe that life is like this.

In terms of where I was, where I wanted to go back then and where I am now I think it's fair to say that there is a heap of different things have eventuated that I never would've foreseen.

Words are strange things, but sometimes they aren't enough to express a raw feeling.

Presently I am looking for work. That is my main priority. I managed to get a role with the elections in my state a few weeks back. So that was good, except it was temporary. But, it still counts.

I also reached out to an old colleague who more or less, over stepped the line when providing feedback on something I did. I was basing what I did off of very vague instructions and I thought I did my best - only to be told otherwise. I think a mark of how my attitude has shifted was found in my response. I didn't respond right away. I let myself sink in and then process what was said. I even haven't read it in its entirety. This is because I don't want to read it with a bad mindset - where small things become big things. Not worth my emotional effort really. But this new level of self control is something I'm happy with.

In terms of dating and relationships - I'm not bothered as much as I was. Since my post 2 years ago I've been on a couple of dates and learned some things about myself in the process. Now though I have shifted focus to my careerpath. I want to figure that out.

I've learned to silence the bulls*** i hear about sex and relationships. Most of it is cheap. Built off the notion that I should feel inadequate. It's silly. I have no time or patience for it. I chose to focus on what matters.

There is a beauty to life that I haven't appreciated for a while. Recently, I sat outside and watched the sunset over the hills opposite where I live. I just sat there and thought about everything from the past and where I am now. It was beautiful. I nearly shed a tear lol. I imagine if i had some music by Hans Zimmer then I would've.

I think that focusing on the direct, the physical and the tangible has really helped too. What do I mean by that? Well by eliminating the concerns of the vague and the conceptual I have redirected my attention to the things that matter - friendships in real life, family and the things I care about. Priorities I guess?

There are still challenges for me now. But then this is a sign that things have changed.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Such a positive post and a great attitude towards life. Thank you for sharing it with us all.

I'm glad to hear you sounding more at peace within and accepting of yourself.

In terms of work I've found thinking about what I need and want from my workplace a valuable activity. It helps a lot to love your work and find it interesting or challenging. What sort of work are you looking into?

Good for you Mitch. Happy to hear you're feeling ok.

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey Nat. It seems I posted that positive post a bit too early. Today I feel crappy. I'm sick of feeling like a loser and failure.

It's not as strong as it has been in the past but I'm just feeling really lethargic and annoyed. Maybe I should get off to the gym and see if I can work through this feeling. Maybe it is meds related idk.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

That sucks that you are feeling down again. Feeling like a loser and a failure is something I feel like everyday so I can relate... but you knew that already.

How did you go at the gym? Did anything bring it up or was it just another drop in mood?

Hope you are okay brother.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron
Thanks for checking in.

Yeah the gym helped me. I was really lethargic the other morning.
So it spiked a bit of activity in me and I was able to come home and apply for two jobs.

My new daily goal is to apply for two jobs. Yesterday I managed three. They were sitting there. So my weekly total is now at 7 which I am happy with. That's more than I've applied for in the past month (minus the last few days of course lol)

I have a conference in a few weeks and I also will be working at the election. I did the same thing in the NSW election however this time around its obviously federal. My older role was more involved so I was hoping they'd see that and give me a similar one but no matter.

It's better than nothing.

As things go by I am making small improvements and I think i need to be patient with myself.

Thanks again for checking in bud