I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[Lici]

Hi Jude,

I'm so terribly sorry to read of your hardships through life. Although I have never been married and don't have children, I can empathise with the abusive childhood and life being hard and cruel. I also have struggled with depression and anxiety as a result of the childhood abuse and anti depressants never worked for me (I've been on 10 different types).

I understand what you mean about friends too. While I'm lucky enough to have two close friends (one since high school and one since I was 18), I still constantly doubt their friendship and find it hard to trust new people enough to let them in. I think that it comes down to the fact that I never had trust as a child. I couldn't trust my parents to care for me and love me, couldn't trust my brother not to abuse me etc. It really does shape who you are as an adult.

The nurturing thing I also share, I think with me it comes from wanting to be good enough, first for my parents, then for whomever I was in a relationship at the time to fill the void that my parents left in me. I always felt like I was broken and not really "human" if that makes sense?

I'm wondering if you've seen a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behaviour therapy at all? Or if you know what CBT is? After about 18 odd years of trying different medications I found a psychologist who specialised in this and it really changed my life. Being aware of where my negative core beliefs came from and what they affected in my life etc helped me more than any talking or medication did. I really felt connected to your story as it spoke to my own so I wonder if something like this would help you as much as it did me.

Please don't feel alone. Often we suffer in silence but there's others like us and I'm glad you posted here. Don't give up either. There can be a light, it just takes some work.

I honestly hope that things look up for you soon. Please reply and let me know how you go, even if it's just to vent some more. I'll always answer, even if it's not straight away.

Kind thoughts,

Lici

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

We are happy to listen and not judge, because we have been there too. This forum is here for you in whatever way you want, and we are on your side.

People with depression do sometimes envy those with terminal illnesses, you are not alone with those thoughts, and it's simply a mark of your pain.

The accumulation of hurts and traumas can certainly leave you drained and bring you to a halt before you start rebuilding.

There are other supports available to you - the BeyondBlue and Lifeline phone lines will listen without judgement, and will understand trauma.

Please vent as much as you need. There are so many lovely and caring people on this forum, like Lici, and others who I know will be quietly checking that you have received a response. So many of those people will also understand the various hurts that you have experienced.

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

Welcome to BeyondBlue. In your post you said...

if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared.

You will find that all the people here do care. We are all in the same boat. And we all want to get better - however we want to the interpret that. You will not be judged here. People will listen to you here. People here do care. Can I ask what prompted you to write here today? I also noticed that you mentioned being worried about being missed by your daughter. How about creating a list of reasons to live? I think your daughter would be at the top of your list? My list also includes my pet cat! And "tomorrow" is on my list.

Have you talked to a GP about your feelings and thoughts recently? And, as suggested by Lici, are you talking to a psychologist? Like Lici, my psychologist uses CBT tools, and while it has been only going for 6 months, I am making slow improvements. Because of recent events in my life, I will also be using a psychiatrist, who takes everything else into account as well.

Give the area of the forums your post has been placed, and your statement "no other family or friends to talk to" I hope that you easy access to support numbers -

• Lifeline - 13 11 44
• BeyondBlue - 1300 22 4636
• Emergency - 000

If you are not getting the support from your husband, please have these numbers handy.

There are stacks of places on the forums here that you can look at as far as distraction tools (games) etc, but will leave that for the next post. I want to re-iterate something that Lici said...

Don't give up either. There can be a light, it just takes some work. I honestly hope that things look up for you soon. Please reply and let me know how you go.

Smallwolf

[HeyJude]

Hi Lici, stormcloudz, small wolf,

Thank you for you so much for your replies. It does really help to know that others can relate and are there. Like a breath of fresh air. I can breathe a little for now. It took a lot for me to post and it's usually too painful and words fail me. It's helps to not feel so alone. Thank you.

It does make sense Lici when you say that "you feel more broken than human". With my zest gone, that is how I feel. I like your suggestions about CBT and will look into it in the future. I have tried in the past but could never find a good fit.

I felt relieved when I read your post stormcloudz and you said many feel the way I did about terminal illness - I was feeling guilty about it. This thought was triggered by a close friends demise with cancer and he is presently dying. Here I am wondering what is the point - many would be better off without me and there is this beautiful man fighting for his life. Makes no sense.

I am growing tired of the battle - it is the accumulation of hurts, abuses, betrayal, let downs and traumas over the years, never allowing me a chance to really heal or live - thank you for your understanding. I do try. It's difficult for me to open up and talk about them - my mind then goes blank and there are years that I have no memory of.

Smallwolf what prompted me to write today it is getting a bit heavy to carry alone and I can't do it on my own strength anymore. I have t told my GP yet but they may Ben a conversation that has to happen. Medications don't help me - in the past they did with resulting anxiety which was off the rails but the issues keep finding their way back. Thank you for advice about other parts of the forum - I will take a look. And will utilise the phone numbers if neccesary.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post and for your caring support. It's very appreciated. Presently I am lying in bed feeling like my world is falling apart - wondering if I will lose the little love I have. My daughter and husband are at the top of my list to try...if they were to be out of the picture there would be zero incentive for me. As presently I can't feel nothing, can't feel any pleasure....only feel a lot of fear for the future.

[Sad_and_alone]

HeyJude

I am new here also and still learning how to drive this thing. Because of this I have no helpful advice or suggestions for you.

Just wanted to tell you that your post truly resonated with me. I know exactly how you are feeling, your words could have come directly from me.

At the moment I don't know how things will get better but I just hope that they will and I want to tell you your not alone. As exhausting as it is just take one day at a time. There are so many people here who are by your side. Even though we are all strangers here we all care and all want to help you through this.

Try to be strong for a little longer

[HeyJude]

Hi Sad and alone - thank you for posting and sharing how you are feeling also. Although I do wish you and others were not experiencing this pain it does help to know I am not alone and I really appreciate your post.

It is drawing and yes, making it through one day is enough. I so miss feeling alive and having the motivation to do things. I wish life would give me a chance.....time will tell. I will try and be stronger although I feel anything but now - I have been in the past. I have to find her again. I just think it has been going on for too long.

I care for you all too - I am here for you too.

[chrissy1]

Hello Hey Jude

i was so moved by ur post. That took guts. But as others have said recently not on ur own. I so relate to what u said. It felt It was me talking. It’s really sad that hubby can’t understand, would he read some of these threads, maybe to show him there are others just like you around.

I thought my daughter understood, but have come to realise she doesn’t . It’s so hard to explain, isn’t it, people just don’t get it, honestly whay would anyone want to feel like this I don’t think so ??? I really get upset.

my motto is just take one day at a time, that’s enough to contend with. I do hope this helps, as ur thread helped me..

take care

chrissy1

[Speak Your Truth]

Wise words for Hey Jude S&A - we are all here for each other and there’s a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that 😘

[Speak Your Truth]

HeyJude I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Please speak to your doctor as soon as you can. I am feeling totally zapped now and have nothing to give really except to say that we are all here for you - you are not alone. Sending you hugs 🤗