I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron
Ohh I am so sorry, I thought that your grandfather was still alive, but he sure does sound like a wonderful man and it is so fantastic that he could step in as a role model for you in life. My ex husband liked a drink so I understand completely how is it to be living with a person who likes alcohol a little too much. That is such a nice gift that he left you which is the joy of music, one of life’s true pleasures.
I am so sorry that the phone call left you upset last night, that is so unfair and I feel like there is so much pressure on you to make a choice and let her know what you want. I am not how she thinks putting this pressure on you is going to work in her favour, in fact if it were me I would say here is the choice, I am out! You are most certainly not losing your marbles and you have totally ownership of your feeling and how people make you feel, and if she is trying to be manipulative and create situations and turn them around on you to make the outcome suit herself that is very scary and alarming. I am not sure she understands either the role she had to play in the relationship….hmmmm..I hear you and I would be shattered if I had made a person so distraught on the phone, especially at a time when it was about communication and reconciliation, not really a good sign either. At the very least I would have messaged today to apologize, that is just not cool.
Thank goodness office girl is back, lol..I can hear your relief, I am just imaging you falling on the floor having a heart attack if you bumped into her…lol..not funny..but kind of…
It is great you have a gig tonight and you can get into your happy place and try to have a good night, I am so sorry that happened to you last night, not good at all.
My latte was amazing…small pleasures….hopefully you can meet coffee girl tomorrow and maybe try one…soo good.
I can’t wait to hear how you go with your marathon, it is so awesome you are going to do this..I hear you..what indeed what were you thinking..but hey, you are going to feel amazing afterwards, well not directly afterwards..lol…but you will have such a huge sense of achievement and pride, good on you!
Yep Christmas is almost here..arrggg…although I actually really like it, but this year is going to be weird without my brother and I am starting to kind of get a bit anxious about that and think about ways to manage the day, I am sure I will be fine.
Almost home time…yay….enjoy the gig tonight and chat tomorrow.
S 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah 🙂

No need to apologise! Like I said - lucky to have had him in my life as long as I did. My dad means well but unfortunately I doubt he'll ever really sort out his alcohol problem.

It's a shame about that phone call. Up to that point I actually was pretty sure my ex was making positive steps to take responsibility for her part of the relationship. After that phone call I realise she still doesn't get it. She was being manipulative too, it's probably not on purpose but it's not a good sign.

I'm having dinner with her tonight after work - hoping to have a bit more of a normal conversation. I want to listen to what she actually says rather than get caught up in the emotions. During that phone call the other night I made that mistake. This time I want to actually listen properly and go from there. What makes me really uneasy is that I feel like I was being subtly gas-lighted - I started doubting my own mental faculties!

She doesn't believe she's putting pressure me either - that I find frustrating and hard to comprehend. While I don't want to sound harsh or unkind about her, I feel this shows a real lack of insight and empathy.

Often she would say something that would really upset me, but then would turn it around such that it was my fault for overreacting or being unreasonable. This was exactly what happened on the phone the other day. This, repeated over a period of years can be really damaging. I would doubt every thought that entered my mind.

My gig last night went well but I was worried about that phone call which was a bit of a bother.

I was relieved that office girl was back- and yes it is funny but I would actually have a heart attack if bumped her!! I'd probably fall on the floor!!

Coffee girl is away today unfortunately! There's always next week. At lunch time I'm treating myself to a hot chocolate or maybe I'll get a chai latte! I need to relax a bit. I think all the pressure and stress is getting to me today. A quiet moment in a cafe is just what I need.

Christmas is hard when you've lost someone. While it's not the same at all as what you're going through ,I two grandparents last year, only months apart. The first Christmas was hard. Even though it was several months after losing them, it still was hard. It just felt strange I guess, like something was missing.

I'm here to talk if you ever need Sarah - you've been endlessly patient listening to my tales of gloom and misery!

Hope you have a wonderful Friday,

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Howdy Aaron..Happy Friday!

You have come so far in your own personal development that you can start to see the behavior and the traits that your ex has and the way that she is treating you as manipulation. I hadn’t thought about the gas – lighting part but yes, it most certainly is! I can hear you loud and clear that most certainly years of being treated like this does leave you with many questions about yourself and doubting your own sense of judgement and your sanity, that is just not right. But I am so proud of you and so happy that you can see this behavior now and can now be in a place of power so as not to accept it again.

That is an awesome idea tonight at dinner, to just listen, to not engage in any argument or entertain conversation about the future, you can just listen and parrot….that is a really good method of communicating that I have only just learnt to do, I had to learn it to manage my step mother at my brother’s time of passing as what she was saying was so ridiculous but I was not about to have an argument with a mother who has just lost her son…..so my councellor suggested I just parrot her, this way I am not agreeing and I am not disagreeing ….she is feeling heard and I am not left feeling angry or emotional..it is so empowering. If she says “so have you given anymore thought as to how you are feeling about us and if we can get back together?”…you can say “I hear that you want to know how I am feeling about us and about if we can get back together, I understand that you want to know and I am sure it is frustrating for you.” You have not given her an answer, you have not been rude, you have acknowledged her question and addressed how she might feel.

Thank you so very much for offering to be there for me too Aaron, and you are, you just don’t know it….by me helping you through this I kind of get to help me too….I know Christmas is going to be weird, like you said, something will just be missing.

I am sorry you are feeling pressure and stress today and I hope that the dinner goes well for you and that you don’t get a million questions and more pressure. On that note do not feel like you have to stay either, at any time it gets too much you can say that and say “I am sorry that you are not getting the answers you need but I feel totally overwhelmed and am going to call it a night.”

Wishing you all the strength in the world for tonight, hope it goes well.

If I don't chat to you before the marathon....smash it!!!

Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Happy Monday!

Yesterday did the half-marathon. It was tough! I've never run so far before. Today I'm feeling it- very sore everywhere! I really enjoyed it though. Everyone was so supportive. It was such a wholesome experience - it didn't matter if you weren't a full-on athlete or anything - people were just so encouraging. After being so sick with labyrinthitis where I lost my hearing and also lost my balance, I never thought I'd ever be able to take part in a half-marathon of any kind.

Dinner with my ex the other night went okay. However I saw her on Saturday to take her out for a coffee. She threw a tantrum. She was throwing things and screaming. It was horrible. I stayed with her most of the day and she calmed down eventually. I can't be bothered dealing with that kind of behaviour . If she does that again I think I'm going to have to walk out for good. I appreciate she's hurting and it's an awful time for her, but I don't think that's an excuse to behave in that way. I feel like she's just dumped all her baggage on me yet again. She is completely unaccountable for her actions and behaviour.

She said that she's frustrated that she put all this hard work into our relationship and it has got her nowhere... I found that hard to hear- but at the same time I wondered what the hard work was. Honestly I struggle to identify where she was putting all this hard work in... that sounds really harsh, but the relationship was a situation of me giving and her taking....

Hopefully there won't be a repeat of that but I'm kind of angry that I had to deal with that.

Hope you had a nice weekend!! 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron, happy Monday indeed!

AWESOME..I am so proud of you for doing the marathon and so very excited for you that you finished it and that you felt so much support and so much encouragement, that is fantastic and I am so impressed that you did it, well done my friend!

In other news I am feeling like your ex has really shown you she hasn't changed and when push comes to shove she has exploded and had a tantrum, wow, that is really unacceptable and I am so very sorry that happened to you, you most certainly do not deserve to be treated like that, even more so that you are going above and beyond in supporting her through this break up and this is how she behaves, so very very disappointing......but I am a very firm believer in "people show you who they are"...she has done this. You said if she does this again you will walk away, I would be doing that now, you have broken up and you are still around when you don't have to be, so this is just an extra level of care you have once again shown her and it has been thrown in your face. I would not be giving her the opportunity to do this to you again. You deserve love and kindness Aaron, this is neither.

With regards to her comment about all the work she has done in the relationship and to throw it away, I would have to agree with you, sounds like she is just saying that as a victim statement as if it were true you would have been able to relate and see the work she did, you did the work and she took the benefits...now she wants to return to that, I can totally understand why she wants it back, a relationship where the other person does and gives and she just takes, sounds wonderful!!!

This is so horrible Aaron and I am really am so angry and sad and hurt for you, this is just not good, and so very mean of her to behave like that, like a kid who hasn't got her own way. I am giving you virtual hugs and hope you can grab them, this is really shitty!!

I think after this weekend you should really consider a clean break, or at least a large time before you make or receive contact with her.....so very hurtful.

Hugs Aaron

Your friend Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I'm so glad I entered that half-marathon. Still buzzing from the fact I even finished it! Really keen to do another one in the near future. I'm a bit less sore today thank goodness!

Regarding my ex, yes it's really unfair what happened on Saturday. It's really bad behaviour. I've been as supportive and kind as I can be during this time... I know it's hard for her, and right now she's got some nasty issues at work that are not helping... but I don't think that's an excuse to throw a tantrum like that. We all have our problems, and truthfully, her problems (mine too) are really not that big in the scheme of things.

I had to spend the next 3 hours or so calming her down. After the tantrum there was lots of crying etc. I just trying to be kind and gentle and let her get out whatever it was she needed to get out.

One thing about my ex is that she always sees herself as a victim. It really doesn't matter what the situation is. Even back when she would scream at me in the bedroom when I was struggling with my medication, I remember later when I tried to initiate a conversation about our intimacy issues, she would say that I scared her away from intimacy. At the time I just accepted that, but now I know how completely unfair that was. I felt like some sort of monster.

I saw her last night. We had dinner. Again I just listened to what she was saying - mostly complaining about things. I don't want to sound mean, but I found it tiresome. She's also acting saccharin-sweet right now, I suspect she's a bit guilty about the tantrum the other day. She's looking after her self-interests first and foremost. I do need to cut this thing off at some point. I don't think she'll ever change. It takes guts to do that, but I needs to happen sooner rather than later I agree.

Yes, that comment about all the hard work she's done really rattled me! I didn't even know what to say to that... I worked so hard to try and "fix" myself to make the relationship work. I thought it was all my fault things were the way they were. I'm struggling to see what her contributions were, other than just being there. That sounds really harsh, and is probably a bit unfair - but I didn't see any hard work from her end whatsoever.

I feel like I'm dealing with a spoilt teenager at times. She's nearly 35 and should know better! There is no way she'd put up with me if I threw tantrums like that.

Thank you for the virtual hugs- it's so kind of you.

Thank you for being such a good friend

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron
I am so proud of you for completing that marathon and I am sure you are still buzzing from the experience, it is such a huge accomplishment and I hope you are feeling so proud of yourself too.
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your ex, her behaviour is really not acceptable and is I hate to say it, narcissistic…I am not sure how she see this sort of tantrum throwing as a good way to communicate with you or a good way to show you that she is making changes to better herself for a more healthy relationship. I can totally see why she blames everything on you and makes everything about you and it is that big word from up above that starts with N..sorry if that is harsh Aaron I just don’t want her treating you, or anyone for that matter like this.
You have done so very much to support her through this break up, when in fact you have been struggling so much yourself, you could have just walked away and you didn’t. I am not sure how she sees treating you like this is.. 1. Acceptable but… 2. Going to be any good for reconnecting with you.
I hear you when you say that you need to cut this off sooner than later, you are stronger than you think and you can do this, when you are ready though, but you have come so far in your journey and grown so very much, you can do this and you deserve happiness. This is really shitty of her and I am sorry that at almost 35 she thinks acting like a 3 year old is ok. You were very kind to stay for all those hours to console her, I would not have been so patient and understanding, you really are a gem!
I hope that you can get to have a catch up with coffee girl and have a chat and make yourself feel good, you deserve it.
Here are some more hugs for you xoxox I am just so sorry you are going through this.
35 degrees here today so maybe a beach trip with some fish n chips for dinner…yum!
Chat soon Aaron
Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Yes it's unfortunate about my ex. I think she does have narcissistic tendencies - ironically often says that other people are narcissists, whether it be an ex boyfriend, her co-worker, her boss etc... you name it!

She doesn't have much in the way of empathy, that much is very apparent in the way she's treated me, but even her dad has to put up with it too. I remember once he took us out for dinner - she was in foul mood because she wanted to stay home and do nothing instead of go out. She barely spoke to him the whole time - I felt so bad for him! He's such a nice person - he didn't deserve that. The strange thing is that she actually is aware of how she doesn't have much empathy for others... yet she doesn't do anything about it.

You're so right, I've kind of put my own struggling aside to try and be supporting to her. That tantrum the other day was so wrong. I actually regret staying all that extra time and consoling her, I should have just left. For the rest of the day I was exhausted. I haven't really had a good chance to deal with my side of the break-up. I've been too busy worrying about my ex, and then worrying about office-girl. I don't think either of them are worrying about me as much as I worry about them!

She still wants to be with me but I don't think it's because she actually really loves me. It's more that she doesn't want to be alone. I may be wrong but that's what my gut tells me. The way she behaved on Saturday is not how someone who loves you would behave.

If she wants me to come back to her she's doing all the wrong things. I've got lots of gigs this week so that's a good excuse to back away from her a bit. I need that. When I'm ready I'll end things properly. I just want to get my own head together a bit more first. Unless she throws a tantrum again, then I'll just leave! Not doing that again.

I sent coffee girl a message yesterday - haven't head back yet but hopefully she's free to hang out this week some time. It would be nice to just to relax and to chat to someone.

Today to make myself feel a bit better I drove the Mercedes to work. The parking space is not really made for big old cars, so I have to climb out on the passenger side of the car! It must look hilarious.

Tonight I have a gig with the big band - we're doing a Nat King Cole themed night. That will be good fun.

It's hot in Hobart today too! Looking forward to getting some sunlight at lunch time.

Fish and chips sounds great!
Lots of hugs to you too! xoxo

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey A
I was really shocked to hear about how your ex treated her dad at the dinner, that is really sad and kind of mean really..my dad lives so far away and I would give anything to be able to have dinner with him when I liked. People really do show us who they are, sometimes it takes time and other times they show us right away, but I 100% agree with your “gut feeling” thing, I live by the rule that your gut usually is right, good or bad it lets us know, if it feels wrong, it usually is..
I am glad that you have had some time to reflect though on the whole tantrum and in the event that is does happen again you have a plan to deal with that and not accept it. It must have been so exhausting to get her through that time and then to take care of yourself. I do agree with you too in that you have spent a lot of time caring for her during this break up that you haven’t taken care of you the way you need to, although you have done some wonderful self-growth which is awesome.
I think the realisation that you have come to might be correct, as hard as that might be to hear, she perhaps doesn’t want to be alone and it is better to be with someone familiar than to have to start again. I am just guessing here by the way.
That is so cool to drive the Merc to work , people must be staring at it in the car park with envy, I am sure it is stunning. Nice to drive home with style…lol
Enjoy your gig tonight and yes, that is great that you have lots on this week, however do not feel bad for telling her no and that you just need some time for yourself and that you need to rest and to heal too.
Almost home time for me and yes, hope the kids are interested in fish and chips as it will be 25 here overnight, perfect beach night.
Enjoy the gig and chat tomorrow.
Cheers
Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Yes that dinner was so awkward. Her dad didn't really have much to do with her when she was growing up, he's kind of making up for lost time - but still, it's so nice that he wants to see her! My dad makes no effort to see me- he expects me to arrange to see him - she doesn't realise how lucky she is.

I'm trying really hard to do the right thing by my ex, and try and give her the opportunities to make changes and grow as a result of this, however after that tantrum I realise there a things that haven't changed! You're right though, I've learned quite a bit from all this. But as I mentioned before, I can't deal with another episode like that. I'm not overly experienced in relationships or anything but I don't think that is normal behaviour.

I think part of what made me stay with her as long as I have was that I didn't want to be alone - I'd put up with an unhealthy relationship because I thought it was better than being alone... in hindsight I realise how wrong I was. I feel a lot less lonely now than I did a year ago! I was so desperately unhappy on so many occasions and just accepted that it's the way things are.

Things at work with office-girl have been a bit awkward - she saw me across the room and death-stared me - if looks could kill... I felt horrible, but nothing I can do about that. It's out of my hands really...

On the bright side - having lunch with coffee-girl tomorrow. It'll be good to see how she is going and just have nice friendly chat!

Gig last night went well but left me a bit tired today - have a bit of a headache. Unfortunately I have another gig tonight so no rest for the wicked! It's hot today in Hobart - it's already about 33 outside. Too hot for me! There's something wrong with the A/C at work too, so it's real stuffy in here - that's not helping the headache gah!

I think at my gig tonight I'm going to get a nice cold beer - I rarely drink at all so it'll be a real treat and most welcome on a hot day like this! It's nice to appreciate the little things like that.

How was your evening at the beach? Hope the fish and chips were good 🙂

Hope you're having a nice day so far -

Aaron