I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Emmy.]

I think I’m going to make a list of all the things that make me happy... (everyone else can share their lists too if you want). Don’t feel you have to read this list lol just something for me to come look at sometimes 🙂

My Husband, My Family, My Dog, My Finches (know these are “things” but they’re my most favourite), Rainbows, Unicorns, Disney movies (The Little Mermaid, Beauty & The Beast, Pocahontas, Aladdin, The Lion King, Inside Out), Movies (Love Actually, 50 First Dates, Titanic, Forrest Gump, Ever After, Juno, Amelie, Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory - original), Music (Joshua Radin, Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, Gordi, Dermot Kennedy, Gabrielle Aplin, My Name Is You), Books (Jodi Piccoult, Rupi Kaur, Courtney Peppernell, Tyler Knott Gregson, Marian Keyes), TV Shows (The Simpson’s, Downton Abbey), Winter, Hot Showers, Long Drives, Easter, Baking Cupcakes, Crystals, Young Living Essential Oils, My Happy Place (down by the lake), Pizza, Chocolate, Christmas, The Smell Of Christmas Trees, Warm Slippers, Shooting Stars, Piglets, Ducklings, Bunny Rabbits, Random Acts Of Kindness, Log Fires, Roasting Marshmallows, Rainy Days, Pineapples, Donkeys, Colleting Toys (Hallmark Itty Bitty’s, Shopkins, Squinkies, My Mini Mixie Q’s, Teenie Genies, Squishies, Funko Pop figurines, Momiji Dolls, anything Disney & Hello Kitty and Plushies), Cricket, NRL, Daisies, Strawberries, Rivers, Creeks, Streams, Wind Chimes, Hawaii, Steamed Pork Buns, Tiny Houses, Glitter, Any Sparkly, Perfume (Marc Jacobs Daisy, Estée Lauder Pleasures - Bloom), Photograhs, Hot Chocolate, Dragonfly’s, Roses, Rainbow Roses, Tulips, The Smell After It Rains, Choc Chip Cookies With Milk, The Colour Pink, Chinese Food, Board Games, Drive-In Cinemas, Snowflakes, Babies Laughing, Sparklers, Angels, Winter Olympics, Pancakes, Hugs, Afternoon Naps, Swarovski Crystals, Bingo, Stickers, Nutella, Sunsets, Picnics, Dolphins, Killer Whales, Night Lights, Blowing Bubbles, Hot Water Bottles, Apple Juice, Echidnas, My Bed LOL, My Home!

Think that’s everything Lol. Hope people don’t think I’m silly for making this list.

[Emmy.]

This should read...

My Husband, My Family, My Dog, My Finches (know these AREN’T “things” but they’re my most favourite)

[Chloe_M]

Wow Emmy, that's actually a really good idea. I might do the same thing. (like you said, no one has to read this but you can if you want).

My family, my best friend, my friends, dogs, cats, any cute animal, stuffed toy animals, dragons, books, dancing, watching dancing, watching tv, shopping, jumping on my trampoline, gymnastics, playing hockey, singing, my new Converse shoes, anything Disney, anything Harry Potter, listening to music, eating, cars with V8 engines, curly plastic hair ties, being organised, meeting friends, talking, my bed, Pandora jewellery, getting good marks, hugs from my best friend, hugs from anyone lol, ice cream, yellow and orange flowers, catching trains, riding my bike, pools, when I'm about to have a panic attack but it stops, rainbows, stars, mountains, climbing mountains, awards at presentation day and sitting in the boot of my best friends car(it's a long story). Q

how is everyone today?

chloe x

[Chloe_M]

Oops

1. I forgot "raising money for cancer (participating in relay for life every year)"
2. i don't know why there's a random Q there but forget it's there.

[Emmy.]

Aaww thanks so much for sharing! 🙂 Love your list.

[Chloe_M]

Haha I love yours too!

Whats the weather like where you are? I find that the weather definitely effects my mood. It's sunny today for me. I'm actually feeling fairly neutral today. It's a good feeling. A stable one.

x Chloe

[Music_Freak]

These lists should so go on the fridge or something!!

Here's mine off the top of my head...

Buddy, Halestorm, Arejay (their drummer and writer of my profile pic), Listening to the rain in bed, Cuddles with Buddy, Reading a good book (biographies mostly), Good movies, Writing short stories (fan fic), Having money in the bank (it's a security thing for me, not greed), Long hot showers, Concerts, Having clean sheets on my bed, Rugging up on a cool day...can't think of anything else. There must be more, surely...my list is SO short!!

[Emmy.]

It’s a start Narelle 🙂 keep adding to it. Like favourite foods or places to visit? Love the idea of putting it up on the fridge.

[Emmy.]

How can a day can go from a high to a low so quickly.

[Music_Freak]

I don't know Emmy, but it does for me too...seemingly in the blink of an eye...

What's happened? Might help to get it out 🙂