I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[smallwolf]

A reply to your thought...

Yes we want to get better. But a story to illustrate the opposite...

I was walking last year and at one point in the journey I had a moment of happiness. The feeling was foreign. It wasn't mine. Later on I returned to my "normal" self.

We are so used to get way we are or were that anything different seems wrong. So not necessarily because you hate yourself, but can be, rather because it feels "comfy" and you know the feeling?

Well, that was how I explained it to my psych.

[Emmy.]

Sorry Smallwolf I don’t understand. Easily done lately (I constantly feeling confused). Could you explain a little more of your thoughts. Thanks

[smallwolf]

you have 2 pairs of shoes. One is old and comfortable. The other pair is brand new. The new pair are stiff and gives you blisters when you wear them. The old pair do not.

The feeling associated with depression is like old pair of shoes. Happiness is with the new pair of shoes. You want to wear the new pair of shoes but they don't feel right. So you switch back to the old shoes because they feel right.

It might be self sabotage. To become happy then need to put up with the odd, stiff feeling of the new shoes. Eventually they become comfortable but...

If I am so used to the empty feeling, that becomes my normal feeling. And happiness is abnormal.

Hope that makes more sense.

[Emmy.]

That’s makes sense Smallwolf. Great analogy!

So I need to step out of my comfort zone to get better. I think what stops me the most from taking that step in the right direction is the constant thought that I don’t deserve to be better. This is my punishment for things that happened to me.

Does any of what I’m saying make sense lol. Gosh I think my heads in a jumble tonight. (Every night ... all the time... if I’m being honest).

[Music_Freak]

Emmy, I can totally relate to your brain fog...I get it a lot.

Smallwolf, thank you for understanding Emmy's brain fog and elaborating (I love that there's no belittling or anything here on BB, like I used to get from family!). I totally get what you're saying, hopefully Emmy does too 🙂

[smallwolf]

you said that you don't deserve to get better?

Let's compare a MI with a broken leg. Iff you had a broken leg, you would think that you was want that to get better. You could say that you deserve it - that your leg gets better. You wouldn't say... I don't deserve my leg getting better.

The obvious difference is what our minds tell us. The happiness trap book talks about our thinking self and observing self. Our thinking self tells us the negative thoughts. And need to recognise that is what they are. Just thoughts. The same book lists methods of combatting these thoughts. Such as saying thank you to you mind. Or saying the negative thought in a funny voice. Some work for me. Others do not. It becomes a case of working out what works for me or you.

Overcome the negative thoughts and might have a chance of reaching that happy place.

[Chloe_M]

Smallwolf those analogies were very interesting thank you, I've marked them both has helpful, as they've helped me understand depression a bit more.

Hope you all have a good day 🙂

Chloe 😄

[startingnew]

HI Emmy xox

just popping in to see how your going?

[Emmy.]

Thanks SN. Bit tired tonight. Had a day totally out of my comfort zone. But it was nice to be out actually. Sometimes I spend so much time inside that I forget about the world out there. How are you x

[startingnew]

there surely is a big world out there Em. good on you for going out though. an early night sounds like it might be on the cards?