I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends......{ just a word to moderators..I am not in danger of harm..for one thing I am needed by my son who is going through a horrible marriage break up}......back to my subject...I had a rather upsetting couple of days and feeling at my lowest ebb, badly in need to someone close to talk to, someone I felt cared and knew me well. 

I contacted a friend of many years, leaving a message for her to ring me when she could as I really needed to talk....she eventually messaged back saying was tied up with something, fair enough too...and would ring me back when free  .   She never did, nor message to ask if I was OK.

I also rang the other friend/relative I am close to and asked her to call me back if she could. She didn't either.

I ended up later last night ringing BB phone line as..and this sounds pathetic, I had no one else to talk to.  ...I also had dreadful nightmares last night which I should have written down upon waking, but they're faded now. 

My point is....when someone does harm themselves and are no longer here...friends inevitably ask, shaking their heads   "WHY didn't she SAY something?  Why didn't she tell me how bad she felt?" well, she DID.  You ignored her.   

 Even my counsellor asked me"  Who is supporting YOU?"  the answer is No One.   "who can you turn to?" she asked.  No one.  I look  over my shoulder and there is no one there to turn to, or to catch me...as I have come so close to falling!   I was distraught yesterday, on the brink of completely collapsing and reached out....my friends turned away.

[mmMekitty]

Oh, Moon, what about the counsellor sitting right there in front of you? do you not feel she is supporting you?

Why do you think phoning BB counsellors is pathetic? I don't ask so you can be defensive in your answer, just to ask more about what you were feeling about calling them.

It's so painful to feel your reaching out for support & help are being rejected. I understand how that can seem like EVERYONE doesn't care. I would ask you to consider, is that actually true?

When I have heard of someone taking their own life, my question is hwo the heck didn't anyone see or hear something serious was going on in the months or years before. It's has been a long standing question of my own, since no-one seemed to see how seriously unhappy & needing help I was before I attempted to end it when I was 14 yrs old, not a year after I'd attempted to run away from home, too. Even after, my needs were rejected, with the demand I never talk about what I had done.

I know, in writing this, I'll may get an email from modsupport. They are well-meant, I'm sure, but for me, unnecessary. I'm not so at risk now.

If your son gathers some support for himself & the kids, he  will get through this. It will, no doubt, be difficult. Being able to have some support from you would be great, but I urge you to not take it all on yourself.

Take the best care of you that you can so you can be strong & stable enough to be there when he needs you. You could try to encourage him to keep looking after himself through out this difficult time, doing the sorts of things we all do to keep stress & worry from overwhelming us, to keep from depression & to keep his emotions at reasonable levels. Too much of any emotion isn't helpful.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Moonstruck]

Thanks for your reply Mekitty....thought I'd better explain...of course there is not a thing "pathetic"about ringing BB..I have many times over the years and they are great.  I meant this time it was , a sort of last resort.  Like admitting to myself "I literally have no friends who care enough to talk to me about this.  There is no one I can think of that I can ring and they will care enough to listen," therefore does this mean I have no friends,no one to care?  if so, that is awful...we all need friends who care. Last night it seemed I had none.  and yes my face to face counsellor is fine but I can't just ring her to talk any time, like people usually do with "friends".  

I have to make an appointment of course, like any GP. Hoping that explains things a bit.

I recall many years ago now I was at a very low ebb for other reasons and a guy at work, just a mate, nothing romantic, but a lovely person who knew a bit of my situation......one night very late before he finished work I rang him and simply said "I can't be alone tonight".   He came over as soon as he finished his shift. I have never forgotten that gesture...he didn't have to do anything, say anything, was just there...sort of keeping watch until morning.  

and now I don't even feel comfortable or welcome, in ringing or messaging my closest friends, who weren't there for me when I needed them desperately.

[mmMekitty]

I understand now, Moon. I've had to come to terms with the fact that the friends I'd made during the 15 years of being a member of a writers' group were not the friends I thought they were. Not even as casual friend, let alone for any of my serious needs.

At times I've invited them to contact me, during personally tough times, & none have, then or later.

I get so involved it is not healthy for me to keep being there all the time. I tried when I was in a relationship, & it was stressful worrying & not knowing if they were okay. Then they began telling me awful things, which they also demanded I not disclose to anyone or even to write down... that relationship was a disaster.

So, yeah, definitely, having friends who we can rely on to talk to is important. I have no one else but my PDr & BB for support.

The relationship with people on BB is also different to 'real life' friends.

Here we all know a little about the people we connect with, but not learning in the same way as is usual while forming friendships. The way we communicate is limited, not least by the c- count.

‘Real life’ mutual friendships require that we will be there & support to the same extent as we hope from them. That’s a big responsibility. Personally speaking, I have realised I am not secure enough within myself to do that.

To do it I would have to detach from my own feelings about their problems.

I used to detach from my feelings all the time, & I could sit & hear anything without feeling distressed. But now, that's not so.

I try, so I can write coherent responses, or like when my home helper was telling me about her circumstances, which were upsetting to me, without showing it, in order to listen.

Sometimes I’d like to call my PDr between our usual sessions. It's simply not practical or healthy for them to offer patients that additional service. Can you imagine if they were to get calls from several patients at all hours? It would equally be stressful for patients to get their voicemail when they can't immediately answer.

He once contacted me after I'd gone into hospital following a fall, to ask if I was alright, because I'd hit my head. He also said I could call during his hols when I went in for surgery. I called him after because of how the anaesthetic had affected me.

Usually though, I realise, I cope, maybe not well, but I do cope.

Here as I can be,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Moon,

I was so saddened by reading your last post….I want to give you a hug and say everything will be okay….we are here for you…we care and many of us love you…me included..

True friends are supposed to be there for us, but unfortunately this doesn’t seem to happen much at all…and it’s really sad..because you, I know would be there for all your friends without hesitation and unconditionally…I have 1 friend in town, that has a heart of gold, and is driving me to work and gets my shopping for me, since I’ve damaged my shoulders…and cant drive anymore….yet when I need to talk to her about how I’m feeling mentally she just isn’t interested, I think maybe because she is seeing me being very vulnerable and doesn’t know what to say to comfort me….Then I have BB help lines and Mental Health Emergency support line…who are always there for me and those in need of support…

Its hard when we only have ourselves to try to support our mental health…

I know you’re saying you are safe…but I’m still concerned about you…and do hope so much that you are being gentle on your beautiful soul…It’s so easy for our thoughts to turn against us when we’re depressed or feeling down…Please try hard to know that these thoughts are not reality….just thoughts…

Hugs given with my care and love, Dear sweet Moon..🤗🫶🦋💕.

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

Lass I wish could pop over to yours & just be there for you over a cuppa... the written word just isn't the same as hearing another's voice or having their presence next to you... but you do have friends here on bb who do care about you lass... I'm glad you did reach out to the bb helpline... 

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends....try to make this brief. Just letting you know I did keep a social appointment I had yesterday, but of course everything within me just wanted to stay home and be left alone....but...I did go. No "really close close" friends were there, I mean the ones I had rung when I was desperate....but people I do usually love being around with similar interests. I thought I'm going to be terrible company,....but getting to the point...I have to admit to my surprise...upon arriving home and the rest of the night...I felt "better" Nothing different happened to my circumstances, or my son's problems...I simply felt a sense of "relief"which is call I can strive for just now.

I am glad I forced myself to go...but cannot explain why.  does this mean my life has to go on?.  I don't have to feel guilty if I feel good...and those I love are suffering and feel bad do I?

I have somewhere to go today too.....with the same friends.  still haven't heard from my closest ones I rang in despair that day....No "are you OK?"......interesting.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I'm glad you pushed yourself to go out with your friends... we all know how hard that can be to do when we are down... your feeling better when you got home was probably because you had allowed yourself to be in the moment with your friends letting the good endorphins fill your brain... 

To answer your deeper question... no I don't think you should feel guilty about enjoying yourself... as you found it helped you to feel better... worrying yourself sick all the time isn't helpful to you or your son... you can't "fix" what he is going through... you don't lessen his problems by burying yourself under them as well... having that boost from enjoying yourself isn't only good for you, it means you can be there for him & help him to find enjoyable things to do to give himself a break from all his worries.

Hugs

Paws

[CMF]

Dear Moon 

I'm sorry to read that what has occurred & how those "close" to you were not there for you. You should not feel guilty for going out & finding some relief from what you are going through at the moment. You are allowed to have some joy, it does not mean you care less about other things going on.

Hope today is a better day for you.

Cmf x

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Moon,

I’m so pleased that you fought your inner demons and managed to go to the social engagement with your friends….Well done!…Even though not your close friends, being with people we know and talking about interesting things, has a way of getting your mind distracted away from your troubles and onto something more pleasant, which it did and your feeling better then before you went out…

No, sweetheart you don’t have to feel guilty about feeling good…I felt that way after my hubby passed away…you know guilty for being happy and existing…but I learnt that I do deserve to be happy, for me, for my children, grandchildren…and my friends…and so do you precious Moon, every one does…Your gentleness, caring and courageous heart, is helping your son, through a hard time as well as your family, friends and lots of people who are following your journey on these forums….

My kindest thoughts Sweet Moon…with some caring hugs..

Grandy..