Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[MO2TG]

Hi
I found your post last night. I turn to the forums to seek comfort & advice knowing others go through similar situations. Alot of it resonates with me personally. I have only posted once before. I will give a little background of my situation, to maybe explain why I feel your pain/struggle. I can also feel your strength shining through and the love u have for your family.
Our family is struggling to from a significant suicide attempt and mental health condition of one of our children. This happened 18 months ago. And teenager is coping and dealing with the situation really well now.
As a parent it's been rough. My HB a complete rock. However he too has now left the family home and is not coping. He has removed himself and is remote , lost and irritable. He expresses that he hates his family and cannot be around us.
I love.my HB and my family. I have had to put my own oxygen mask on first and make a lot of decisions for my own well being. I knew he had to go as the anger inside him was unbearable.
Now I wait, being supportive of my teenagers , encouraging them to maintain communication with their dad. I maintain communication with HB.He knows he is unwell, but not seeking medical hlp. He needs counselling at the bare minimum..not sure if he is doing this either. I am giving space in the hope that he can heal. He was a complete family.man. Now he is stranger.
From me to you, I feel u

[Jayne106]

Hi MO2TG

I feel for you too and you are so right that we need to put our own oxygen mask on first. It has always been me trying to hold this all together and I habe realised I am not able to control his actions.

My husband has a very demanding job which he has always put first and in saying this we have always had a good life from his hard work and i admire how much he has given to his role although it has now come at a huge cost that he is unable at present to see. the kids are now vocal about how they feel this has affected our family and them individually.

In saying the about he has always been a family person and a fun loving husband and dad and now he tells me he feels empty... feels clouded... feels he doesn't love me like a husband should love their wife but he does care for me very much! Then he comes to pick up stuff and asks to cuddle and kiss me and this is confusing as how do you asl this if you are so certain you don't love someone.

I haven't yelled of gone off and out family ajd friends that know are shocked and said I have been exceptional in my behaviour given what he has put our family through so far but I am concerned for him and hos health and I want my boys to know I tried everything to the best of my ability to help their dad.

Do you feep your husband will come back?

my HB has seen a GP already but not sure if he will continue with this to get help or will seel counselling.

I am seeking both for the kidsand myself as i need to know i have done evrrything to make sure they are ok.

At present I am finding they are starting to ask more questions and they want only the truth and this is what I have given them. The longer time goes on the more they are feeling lost and abondoned and i can understand this as I feel the same.

We have great support network and everyone is trying to be there for us which is great. I hope he seeks some support as the closer we get to xmas the harder things will become or maybe he will be really happy with hos choices and enjoys the time as a single man.

It is hard to work out how they feel this when we as mum's and wives are standing here loving our hB and lost in the situation.

My days are filled with work and the boys and I are making plans all the time of things to see and do to keep us busy ... hope is all we have on our side at present and everyday I keep telling myself to hold that space of hope in my soul and heart and he might come back

Am I crazy for holding hope... who knows!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Good to hear from you again. Thinking about the situation with the boys and their father ...

I agree with you about disclosure. It's really up to your husband to disclose his mental health condition to the boys (and others) when he's ready. And, if you were to do this, it really would amount to a huge betrayal of trust and could potentially impact your husband's recovery and, of course, your relationship with him. However, not understanding that their dad is unwell is probably making this a lot harder on your children.

I think you should gently share how the boys, especially the youngest, are feeling about their father with him and, at the same, time encourage your husband to consider telling the boys about his mental health issues. This is because it may ease their hurt if they understood that their dad was unwell. It's the difference between thinking their dad chose to leave them and knowing that their dad really doesn't have a choice right now as he's very unwell.

You could even call the bb support line on 1300 22 4636 and order some printed resources about depression etc, so the boys could learn about the illness and better understand their father's behaviour and situation. The boys could also support their dad's recovery if they chose to. This would be a win win for the entire family.

Just my thoughts.

[Summer Rose]

Hi MO2TG

I felt ready sad reading your story, you've certainly been through a lot and in an ideal world you sure deserved a happy ending.

Maybe it is still to come. With the right help, there is always hope for your husband's recovery.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

[Jayne106]

I have tried to gently pass this information on to my husband but he acuses me of trying to make him feel guilty to come back to the marriage so I have said to myself I will no longer tell him how they are suffering. He needs to walk this path and will need to see what has happened with he is ready.

I have no idea if he is strugging from depression as he has not said it to me. It is my opinion that he is suffering as you dont have thoughts and an attempt on your life if you are fine and I know he has said things but since seeing the GP he has not disclosed anything to me of what the Dr has thought about it so I am unsure how bad it is and what the GP thinks.

I believe it is up to him to speak with the kids when he is ready but I know the kids are going to ask questions of why he wasn't able to stay and work on things whilst here. He never wanted to try it no matter how or what I suggested.

I understand from so much research and reading that people can feel this and the only way to cope is to isolate themselves and remove themselves from the people who care and love them. It is hard to stand on the sidelines and not be able to help him through this.

All I can do it hope that he will seek help... hope that my boys will be ok and hope that I also can survive this loss in my life.

When I see him he tells me how good I look as he did again tonight when I sae him at a function and it makes me wonder if you dont love me how do you tell me this and even look at me in that way. I have now lost over 50kg and sometimes I dont recognise myself in the mirror and I am wondering if he feels it isnt me. I am in a forum for people that have lost weight like I have and they have said they have experienced this with their partners. I am trying to look for anything i could have done to make him feel like this.

The children need their father and I need my husband but I suppose I am trying to remain positive that he needs himself at the moment and needs to work on this first. since we are fine we need to cope with it to support him. I feel by allowing time and space and not losing it in front of him and being a good mum he will he able to have less stress so he can focus on himself.

The hardest part of this all is you feel destroyed and I feel like my own mental state has taken a huge hit and I am slowly fading away into nothing.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

You are so not "nothing".

You are loving and kind to your boys and husband.

You are a resourceful problem solver, organising family counselling.

You are looking after yourself by seeing your GP.

You are holding it together.

I think you're doing great, although I imagine you are tired with all you are doing plus working, plus parenting, plus looking after the house, plus, plus, plus.

Hopefully this weekend you can take some "me".

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

I am so very tired. overwhelmingly tired.

Saw my gp today and he has started me on medication to calm me a little and to try and help me sleep.

Not sure i want to take it but he was great with his advice and told me not to give up hope yet on my husband.

he has said he needs to take this time to find himself and get help and hopefully with help he will see the light again and the happiness he had with our family.

He has asked me to tell the kids this...

A man walked past a letter box and placed in a bomb. The 3 of us were out walking and as we went by the po box exploded and the 3 of us were injured in the cross fire. it wasn't our fault we were just there and currently we are injured and in hospital where we will need to work on healing. the man who placed the bomb is fine but needs to seek help to find the root cause to why he placed the bomb in the letterbox.

It is an interesting statement and one that has stuck with me all day.

The GP believes I am caught in the cross fire and I hope that eventually my husband will find himself and then work on finding himself back with us at a counsellor together to work on us but only once he has done it for himself.

The boys expressed today they have no interest in staying at his new house overnight and at this stage neither have any interest to even go to the house. I have said for them to take their time.

the eldest took the younger one out today and he said they actually had a nice lunch together etc. it was so nice too hear that they were together as normally they aren't always that close but this has brought them closer. i thanked him for being their for his brother.

each time I go to melt down I am telling myself to stop and reevaluate the situation. my boys need the stability and support.

I have tried to get excited about xmas but this is another hurdle I need to face so need to give myself another couple of weeks til I think about this.

counsellor tomorrow with the children and I really hope it helps.

this forum has been amazing and your support as a stranger is oh so lovely and i appreciate it.... I really mean this.

some have question could he be acting or really have mental health and this isnt been my family as they want so much for him to be back here with us.... I have always said it is an issue with mental health and I will stand by this as I know my husband and I know someone who has admitted to harming thoughts can not be acting or making this as an excuse just to get divorced, true?

[MO2TG]

Hi Jayne106
Thankyou for your reply.
Until he gets help or makes progress I don't see him coming home anytime soon.
It's hard, i just try to look after myself and our teenagers.i go to counselling monthly now but it's a bit repetitive atm. Ike I'm in a holding pattern
There is a lot of loneliness.
I try to plan things so I have something to look forward to.
I have got the teens getting help as well.
The ricochet of depression....It affects all of us not just the individual with depression. I blame the disease not the person.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne

Based on everything you've shared here about the situation I can't imagine your husband to be faking a mental health condition as an "excuse" for divorce. That just doesn't make sense to me.

What would be the point of acting as though ill? Not sympathy, as no one knows. How would this benefit him in a divorce proceeding? I can't think of any possible advantage. Why would your husband do this? Seems like quite an elaborate lie, complete with a suicide attempt, when he could have just said he wanted out and walked out the door.

I think it far more likely that your husband is acting to put on a happy face in front of you and the children, than acting as though he is ill.

You have seen the pain and emptiness in his eyes. You know him better than anyone. The right answer is in your gut.

I'm glad you find talking here helpful. I feel honoured to have met you and grateful for the opportunity to lend a helping hand.

We are strangers but we are connected through our humanity, and the shared understanding of the devastating impact of mental health conditions on the entire family. We have a bond, my friend, and as long as talking here helps you, I will be here.

Kind thoughts to you

[Tess2]

Dear Jayne,

i have just read through your thread and feel so much for what you are going through. You have been given great support and advice from Summer Rose and MO2TG. I can also see the change in you over this brief time. Although you are grieving so badly you have been there for your children and are doing the things to keep your life with them together. That is huge.

Your husband must be feeling terrible, even though he has made all these changes. Depression is a truly dreadful illness and the sufferer loses control of life and their ability to manage it. Sometimes just looking after oneself is hard enough.

You are doing all the right things for your sons and they are supporting each other too so you are doing a lot right.

Just keep doing this one day at a time. Give your husband the space, it is clear that he still has feelings for you, but he is the only one who can sort through what he is feeling.

Meanwhile, keep seeing your GP, and being open to your sons.

tess