Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

Well you've answered my question as to where you are. I think Starwolf is very wise, you are running too fast, trying too hard, having too many inputs, maybe proving you to yourself - when you don't really need to at the moment.

Smoking was just an example I used - I wanted Dottie to be aware she might hurt her ears - which she no doubt already knew (sorry to talk about you Dottie) and later to talk about 'leaving a hole'.

It is not all bad anyway & this really is not the time to berate yourself, as I said under the circumstances I'm glad I did smoke . Any life-preserver in a storm! The future will take care of it.

I guess if one is in any way isolated it's more than possible to concentrate on your goals too hard. Please remember your life really is a "life's work", not a rush to a target.

If I might make a silly suggestion and you want to think about something else (though going outside the confines of your house might be better) why not go to Croix Parler and give your views on any art that has happy memories and strikes your fancy - you can even type badly if you'd like:)

Affection

Croix

[1113]

Peaceful hello JAS,

My thoughts are with you buddy.

Sending them now...............1076 = 14

Lean apon your angels to help you maintain a postive outlook. This will keep your own demeanor bright and optimistic.

If I had to read this to you I would say;

Look at the caring people around you, lean on them. Be fragile with the caring friends you have. They want to help you. Strength comes from knowing your weaknesses and believing in yourself and your friends. All is well.

Peace

Matt.

[Just Sara]

Dear Star;

Always in my corner; wise counsel and gentle encouragement. Thankyou dear one also. Taking a breather is necessary advise; ebb and flow. Your knowledge of nature and its metaphor's rises above...

Dear Croix;

Yes, isolation is tormenting me. Loneliness could be thwarted by someone's soft words of love along with a generous hug. That someone eludes me...one day. Thankyou for your supportive words Croix; I hear you...I've left some goodies at you parlor to enslave the senses. Art will arrive later...

Dear Matty;

Today is a 7 day. (23/1/2017) Reaping rewards of efforts made, and preparing to finalize things to face the coming new cycle/phase. I'm not sure how you came up with 1076? It's 10 yrs after the Magna-Carta was signed. Does this count? I have enough angels around me here, I don't need heavenly one's. But thankyou for your warm thoughts...

Dear Dottie;

Thinking of you hun. You can talk any way you wish at your discretion. It's my pleasure to listen and learn my lovely.

Thankyou all for hearing me, caring and sharing in my safe place...

Sara

[1113]

Peaceful morning JAS,

1076 was your post number at time of reading.

Please stay away from the darkness. Then I will not be seen.

Peace and equality to you. Calmness and happiness too.

Matt.

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Croix, thanks for your generous words. I think you give me too much credit as it was probably just a fluke that I said something that resonated with you ha, ha.

I'm glad you're learning from my School of Obnoxious and Shameless Antics. I'll even give you a full scholarship. Sound good?

Speaking of blasting music in my ears. Yes, I have taken your word to heart about turning the volume down. As much as I love my tunes, I also want to be able to enjoy my tunes as best and for as long as possible. Thanks for the reminder (& a slight scare ha, ha). No one is coming between me and my 🎵🎧🎹🎷🎺🎸🎻🎼🎤

Sara, you sound like you need a hug. Alas, I can only offer you a virtual one but I hope that will do for now. I realise it's not quite what you need but maybe my virtual hug can be like consolation comfort.

It looks like Croix, Starwolf and Matt have said it all. A breather as suggested by Starwolf sounds good. You know, so you can regain your equilibrium a little.

Ah isolation is a tricky one. I guess most of us are wired to be social creatures. Of course I realise the need for other people varies from person to person. But generally speaking, most of us need to feel connected, valued and heard.

I mean, it must be tough living alone and no longer being in the workforce. I guess people working are "guaranteed" daily interactions with their colleagues, etc.

If it helps, I'm frequently surrounded by people yet feel lonely more often than not. "Lonely in a crowded room" (no idea who said that but I couldn't have said it better myself). Maybe it's not quite the same as your situation but, in my way, I can empathise.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dot's musical notes cascade down the page like a waterfall of visual sound.

Matty's prophetic numbers equal advice profound.

Croix's majestic presence, 'manner' and wisdom abounds.

Star's natural justice of flora and fauna; beholding beauty surrounds.

And Sara...words...known, unknown, smelled, seen, heard, felt...all around.

I love you all my special peep's...Hugs blurround (I'm allowed to make up a word if I want to. I'm the queen of the castle na na na-na na)

Sara

[white knight]

Dear Just Sara

Firstly, congratulations on over 500 posts on this thread. An amazing achievement.

Ive read a few recent posts and can recommend a few for you to read- use google

Topic: the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue ....thats about our nature and how will find some things near impossible to change.

Maharaji the perfect instrument youtube

Maharaji sunset

Regards Tony WK

[1113]

And Sara...bright...beautiful......such a delight....loved by many.....day and night.

Peace

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Hugs blurround indeed. We need to add it to the online urban dictionary ha, ha.

Comparing my words to cascading notes is possibly one of the highest compliments that anyone could pay me. For once, I don't feel like making a joke about it. Think I'll accept the compliment (maybe it's not really a compliment but I'm accepting it as such).

Keep doin' your amaze thing.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie;

I meant every word lovely; no need to doubt. Words are like music, to me anyway. Your waterfall on the page reminded me of this. I've heard many interviews where songwriters are asked if they produce music before the lyrics or vice-versa. Many say it's the music that drives them.

To me, music is movement according to the beat (of my heart) Dancing helped to connect with my body as a child, so often disconnected thru fear. I've told of dancing in front of my TV when little; do you have memorable moments when music struck a cord with your little heart? Maybe the first time you heard Vivaldi?

Hi Mattie;

Thankyou...what beautiful words for me...a lovely gift. Numerology was once a hobby of mine. It resonates with my analytical mind to find patterns among the chaos. It too can be beautiful like music and words. What drew you to this world of sequence (science)? For me, I was drawn to specific numbers for many years and wanted to know why. I finally learned their meanings by seeking answers inside myself.

Dear Tony;

It's nice of you to drop in with congrat's to my little corner. Thankyou...I'll take a look at your referenced threads. I can always count on you for mentoring and kindness. I hope I can offer you the same in return one day.

Dearest Croix;

You can't see it, but I'm smiling...still. I've quietened my mind to be calm; the sound of my breath is enough today. What do words mean to you?

My sitting Buddha reminds me of discernment, an important lesson that helped me conquer confused judgement. He sits in pride of place because seeing Him each day, I find a few seconds of peace in His eyes, sometimes more.

Have a productive and plentiful day everyone...

Sara