Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Sara,

Thank you for such an uplifting post, and it really is wonderful to hear you having fun with being silly... silly is good Sara...

wishing you happiness, hoping that your business thrives and I’m hoping for a beautiful and peaceful life for you dear Sez....thank you so very much for the shout out, it meant lot.....

Love to you Sez, and of course hugs....💜🤗..

Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Hey chooky so good seeing you happy and moving on in positive ways.

Strong lady and a survivor.

It's worth the hard yards isn't it. It wasn't till coming here that I'm realising there really is a lot of help knowledge out there and ways of shedding and coping with our pain.

There is a better life to be had and you're in the beginning of living it. Very happy for you chooks 🤗

You've help/ed so many and made beautiful friendships cause you're such an awesome person.

Support and deep care for you and wishing you every success in your business and better life darl

Always lovely seeing you ☺

Btw you sharing any of those funny mushrooms 😄

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (waves to all),

Thank you for your candid and heartfelt post. I don’t know if you’re still online or not but I just want to say that balance is understandable and that balance a good idea 🙂

To explain my earlier reply to you, I’m happy to be serious but I’m also happy with some lightheartedness (nothing wrong with some humour and fun sometimes). But, with only text, I wasn’t 100% sure what mood you were in...I didn’t necessarily think you were trying to “approach a serious issue” as your put it. I was simply trying to gauge...

So I responded with “I’m going to assume you were being playful with a touch of seriousness” to try to gauge your mood. I figured you would then respond in such a way that would let us know mmore concretely whether you were trying to hint at a more serious discussion or wanted some banter for balance (both are of course okay).

What I was trying to do was I was simply trying to give you options at the time, so I could then respond in a more attuned way to your mood...I hope that I’m making sense.

Of course, I don’t feel you have to constantly talk about trauma, worry, coping, sadness and fear all the time. It’s okay to talk about recovery or other daily life things or have precious moments of lighthearted banter too. Balance, as you said...

I wonder if it’s perhaps not so much about people not “knowing what to do around a recovered individual” as you phrased it. But I wonder if it’s more about people figuring out how to relate to the recovered you now?

Maybe it’s just a bit of a transitional/adjustment period...just as you have transitioned, maybe people around you who love you/care about you are simply learning how to adapt to those transitions at the moment...

I, for one, am happy to see the recovered and continually evolving, Sez 🙂

I hope you’re feeling a little better since 2am...

Love always,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper;

I'm so sorry; I meant no harm re your previous post and referring to my relationships on this forum. However, your comments re me not fitting in anymore are accurate.

It's understandable why previous Community Champions rarely post. It's difficult trying to just be myself for myself. Two yrs of being here for others 'gets in'. Pathways in the brain yudda yudda...

It feels impossible to blend back into the virtual community as I once did during 2015/16. There was freedom in anonymity, ignorance and innocence; just another face in the crowd.

You and other beautiful people who've watched on or contributed as this thread's grown, are in my heart of hearts. Don't forget that ok. No matter my mood or fears; you're there.

I'm quite emotional today so I won't say too much more. I appreciate your presence in my world, especially at this time. Hope you're faring well...

H x H's

Love Sez xoxo

[Ggrand]

Dear Sara,

i want to give you a Piece of my heart, 💜, a little of my peace 🕊, and some of my hope 🌈 and of course some special hugs 🤗, because you matter to me and you have helped me so very much with your words of wisdom, your extraordinary insight and you have also given me some of your heart, given me some peace and given me your time...I want to give you these because you are you which is a beautiful, caring and a very wonderful unique person who gives so much of herself to others.....also I want to give you a beautiful bunch of gardenias, roses, jasmine and I’ll add some mint and chamomile tea so you can sit and enjoy a cuppa or two...

love you Sez....always be who you are and never change..

Grandy...

[startingnew]

Sez xox

Whether your a CC or not, your always welcome here, though i do get trying to fit back in. I could be way off but ill share in hopes that maybe it isnt. once people know who you are esp for a particular role or what youve been through its kinda hard to just be that 'normal' person, to be yourself. When i was doing Peer support for a few yrs both inside and outside of school, while it was great i found once i stepped down from that role it felt weird to just be another member of society and not have to play a role. Hoping that makes some sort of sense...

I know its different for you too though, you have moved quite abit forward and maybe you arent to sure what to do with this yourself? your also use to surviving mental health and the challanges of that but your also starting to live. Those who face mental health issues tend to live day by day, making it a goal to just get through and ultimatly recover then when you reach a certain point of recovery i guess it might feel abit like 'what do i do now?' can be abit daunting...

Anyway i hope that youll find your groove here once again, you have much to share by just being yourself (besides i like having you around 🙂 ) and just know that its more than ok to be Sez and not Sez the CC.

Hugs and hugs and many butterfly wishes

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez (waves to all),

You do sound very overwhelmed and emotional...here, I’m gently offering my hand and giving comforting squeezes...it’s going to be okay.

It will all be okay eventually...I have confidence in you...it’s okay, there’s no need to apologise to me. I understand your emotions must have been very raw at the time...don’t worry about it. It’s okay...

Butterfly Wings wrote such an insightful, wise and uplifting post that I have little to add. Like her, I also like having you here. CC or not, you’re always welcome 🙂

The only thing that I would like to add is perhaps, purely as a small suggestion, just give it some time to figure out how to be here just for you...I don’t feel you need to have it all figured out right now...

As with any new activity or mindset, I think it’s understandable that there might be a bit of trial and error at first, which is more than okay...many of us here are lovingly cheering you on as you figure things out for yourself 😉

Sending my blessings, comfort, hugs and love. Gentle and easy does it...

H x H’s

Love,

Pepper xoxox

[demonblaster]

Hey chooky

You have beautiful loving friends here because of the awesome intelligent good caring person you are. Never doubt your worth lady. You rock!

I was going to say same as our lovely Peppystar, take your time lovey you're entering a new phase of your life and although we're adaptable, change can be unsettling but in your own time you'll find yourself again.

You're also taking a huge step in to the business world that takes a lot of courage which you have so just be gentle with yourself breathe and believe you'll ease into it all as I know you're more than capable of doing. You don't start coming out the other side of your life without strength determination and grit.

You'll be ok friend. We're always here for you when you feel up to a chat or muck around chooky 🤗

Take care Sez, I've always felt a good connection with you and truly wish you every happiness 🕊

Love chooky 💗⚘

[Just Sara]

Good morning all you lovely peep's;

Just re-read your beautiful and comforting words to me. It lifted me up...thankyou. I hope you're all doing splendidly and have love in your life. Oh yes, of course you do...from each other!!! And me! 🙂

There's been some emotional stuff coming up for me over the past few months.

As always I've been very hard on myself trying to sort out what the problem is. Today though I've come to realise there isn't any problem. I'm still in my transition phase and it's been a bit of a rough ride at times, that's all.

Expectations of starting up my new enterprise has had me reeling. My confidence took a bit of a beating via an internal negative monologue. "Why am I procrastinating? What if I'm not up to it? Am I actually what those people need? Can I cope with the stress?" and so on...

It only struck me this morning; the past 6 months I've done some pretty spectacular healing and changing.

• Making the decision to start my own business was in itself a major achievement. (And trigger!) It's a big job and I don't think I was prepared for what was necessary before even opening the doors.
• I recognised and stopped my habitual behaviour around buying things I don't need. That was an eye opener as I'd been doing it unaware for many yrs. Letting go of this addiction wasn't easy.
• I finally stopped smoking which is still in its infancy. Even last night the cravings were so bad I nearly broke and went out to buy a pack. I resisted and cried instead. Yay me...
• For the past few weeks I've been trying to bring my sleeping habits back to normal which in itself has been quite triggering and stressful. But I've done it and feel so much better. Was up at 7am after a good night's sleep. Yay me again...
• Stepping down as a CC has probably been harder than I anticipated. It's been a huge change to my offline routines and has caused some unexpected grief. That's easing now thank goodness.
• Relationships with family members have changed. I'm grieving those changes too by mostly staying at home. This new habit of mine works, but others don't deal well with me keeping to myself. I haven't buckled of course, but some days are harder than others.

So, as you can see my world has taken a huge leap into the unknown. Who wouldn't be reeling from it?!!!

No wonder I've felt out of sorts. I'm nearly a new person for goodness sake 😄 lol

Love you guys;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (waves to all),

It sounds as though it has been a bit of a period of emotional upheaval for you. I suppose change can be difficult and unleash all kinds of emotions in us...

Hopefully once your body and mind adapts to it all, things will settle...there’s a lot to grieve...new relationship dynamics in your family to get used to and perhaps you’re even renegotiating new roles/sense of identity...

Although, I do feel sad that you have been plagued by self doubt...starting a business is definitely daunting, and that much more if there are triggers. As a business owner, it’s all down you as the owner, which I would think is both empowering but perhaps scary too...the owner makes all the big decisions and creates their own vision, rather than helping someone else realise theirs...

That being said, as I’ve said before, I’ve faith you will take it in your stride and learn as you progress. I think gradual and ongoing learning is the way to go, and it’s okay to have bad days and self doubts too...we will cheer you on when you success and hold your hand gently on your bad days. Maybe some days, we will need to do both 😉

Congratulations on giving up smoking, tackling the retail therapy and changing your sleeping habits 🙂 I admire your determination and commitment.

Gentle and easy does it...you’ll get there as you continue to adapt and adjust. It may not feel like it right now but maybe one day, you will look back on this turbulent period and smile...

Wishing you well

Love,

Pepper xoxo