Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Grey, no worries at all. I'm glad my words resonated with you. Hopefully- and only if and when you want to- we see more of you on this thread and around the forums. No pressure of course- post at your own pace.

Croix, thanks for the flattering and hilarious post. My ego is now inflated to the size of several countries. But, no, I am not playing at either of those venues ha, ha.

Back at you- I appreciate and am grateful for your support and kindness as much as you appreciate my presence here. It's a mutual support system.

Sara, it's great to hear from you although your depressive mood doesn't sound so stellar. The black hole is my speciality so I can empathise with where your mind and emotions are currently at. Depression hurts and drains.

Take it easy on yourself. Posting when you're feeling this way is a win. Making effort to reach out when you're so down is commendable.

I do worry about you but know there's little that I can do other than to say we are all here for you. Talk to us if you need/want to, okay?

And thank you, you mean a lot to me too. Know that.

Hugs and love,

Dottie xxxxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

These thoughts have been burning a hole in my brain so I thought that I would jump on here and share. I could write it down privately but I didn't want to talk to myself (so to speak) hence this option.

Sara, I hope you don't mind if I hijack your thread for a teeny, tiny bit? I was initially going to post at the Friends Cafe then changed my mind (and I didn't want to create a new thread).

I hope that I don't ruffle too many feathers with my post. I was very hesitant to submit this post. I just wanted to vent and I've no intention or interest in debating.

You know those moments when you feel conflicted between your personal values and morals versus keeping the "peace" (even if that peace is more of an illusion than anything)? Yeah, I'm talking about one of those moments.

The number of times that I've held my tongue when some of my offline "friends" have made racist, sexist or homophobic comments. The worst would be so-called jokes and covert comments (overt comments are much easier to shut down).

Basically "friends" saying things that are completely against everything that I believe in. Why on earth am I even friends with these people (sighs)?

Keeping the facade of "peace" at what cost (sighs)? Sure, there's also that saying about picking your battles and that you don't have to participate in every argument that you're invited to. But sometimes I think when it comes to my values and human rights, that's the time to speak up.

But then there's that potential perception that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and that what they said was all in "good fun." And I end up being cast as the "bad person" or the "difficult person."

Recently, I hit the fan with a so-called friend. I had had enough of her xenophobia over the (many) years that we've been "friends"...so I cut her out of my life.

I've another friend that I've been avoiding like the plague- every time I see her, I feel like I need to wash my ears out afterwards.

I think it's time for more friendship shake ups (sighs). Sometimes no amount of shared history and the like makes up for the fact that some of my friends are just not very nice people.

Now, I don't want to start anything here. I'm not here to debate but I just wanted to channel some of my frustration outwards rather than have it do laps in my head.

Thanks for listening (reading).

Back to other topics now...

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

I'm now feeling very anxious about my last post. Just to reiterate (yet again), I'm not wanting to debate or argue.

I was merely expressing my frustration, a personal moral dilemma (sort of).

Thanks in advance for your understanding.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

Please don't worry, you are cared for, respected and I'm sure your wishes will be followed.

I for one have my lips sealed - well as far as they can be with 2 big protruding tusks.

[tiptoes away quietly]

Croix (who has just realized he would have to 'flipper' away quietly)

[Just Sara]

Oh my dear lovely;

How could we debate such a brave and heartfelt disclosure? Please don't be so hard on yourself hun. I'm in awe of the courage you've shown, both in letting your pent up woes out on here, and doing what's right within the values and boundaries of your life. I'm so proud of you...so proud!

Knowing you as I hope I do, I totally appreciate how desperate your situation must've been. (And probably still is) You've shown how gutsy, evolved and self-actualized you've become. Who are we to debate an act so difficult yet absolutely imperative to who you are as an individual? I did the same thing when I was 22; I never looked back. You've been hinting at this for a while now, so I'm not surprised ok?

You've made a 'choice'; to do what's right instead of what's easy. How bloody great!!!

I admire you more each day as you grow and live life according to the music that is you. Mozart, Bach, Handel, Rachmaninoff, Beethoven, George Gershwin and Carly Simon; they all did it their way. Creativity sometimes needs a catalyst to generate purity and individualism. You're on your way to freedom!

If I was your mum, I'd hug and kiss you with abandon for being so wonderful at such a young age. When you let go of the negative, it leaves room for the positive. Only you can define what that is.

Much love and precious thoughts...

Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Just want to add;

I hope you're having a wonderful weekend dear one.

Mamma Sara xo

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the incredibly supportive responses. I feel reassured and moved.

Croix, mad props to you for your warm and funny post. Flippering in and out of various threads sounds like excellent cardio for a walrus 😊 Keep flipperin'!

Sara (aka Mamma Sara), I don't know what else to say other than a heartfelt thank you. Even though I don't feel very courageous, I appreciate your comment.

Sometimes I think enough is enough and we all have our upperlimits about what we can and can't tolerate (clearly I had reached mine).

I've known certain- all offline- friends for many years yet every time I'm with them, I feel as though I have to carefully edit my comments- for the sake of "peace"- something is seriously amiss.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for tact and politely exchanging different opinions; I don't believe in vicious verbal attacks or rudeness. But there's a difference between being tactful and feeling as though I'm constantly walking on eggshells (less I say something that even slightly "challenges" some of my friends).

Thank you again for your support and compliments (even though it's a little hard for me to accept ha, ha). You da best!!!

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara/Mamma Sara (shoutout to everyone else),

Thanks again. My weekend has been decent. I had a much needed "Dottie Day" yesterday, and didn't see my friends or hang out with my housemates.

I did my own thing and went out and about to explore. I listened to busking musicians, visited a cool market and checked out buildings (random sidenote: I have always loved architecture. I wanted to be an architect at one stage. Anyways.), and just did a lot of thinking.

My self absorption aside, I've been a little worried about you and your down mood, Sara.

Can I ask how you've been holding up lately?

And here's a virtual hug as I've a sneaking suspicion that you need one.

Love ya, love ya, love ya...

Dottie xxxxxxxxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I wanted to say something before but let Sara break the ice - for some reason I thought maybe she might have something to say -sorry Sara 🙂

It's abut my (and I guess your) antenna. Molehills very often conceal mountains, and if one's instincts are aroused (repugnance, uneasiness, feeling different etc.) then I have found - for me - they can normally be trusted and acted upon. My main problem there is distinguishing between valid instinct and just plain anxiety.

As an example I was introduced to an officer who used a lot of very foul language - a real lot, highly disgusting. I'm quite broadminded and take most things of that sort in my stride, after all dealing with the unsavory went with the job. I avoided him as much as I could as a result. In time I saw he had a patent disregard for those he dealt with both in and out of the force.

What am I saying - my instincts tell me you are no weather-vane, subservient to social pressure, but someone who, while having a sense of balance, has valid judgments and goes with them as appropriate.

It would probably be patronizing say 'I'm proud of your achievements in this and other areas', so I'll just have to say I admire the ways you are dealing with all aspects of life.

Croix (who wanted to be serious this time)

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie and shout out to Croix;

My nurturing nature and the pride I feel in your self protective achievement, is without measure. This site is so full of pain, sorrow and languish that at times it's difficult to face. However, once in a while someone like you comes along with a most inspiring self aware moment, and reminds me of the positive and awe life has to offer.

To answer your question, I'm taking things day by day. Yesterday was nice; peaceful and connecting with friends/family. I coped well but didn't get as much done as I'd have liked to; no biggie though.

Today I'm a little lower, but in saying this, it's so much better than the anxiety I 'used to' suffer with. As with all transitions, and I've been thru many, it takes a while to find balance.

I stayed up posting till early hrs of this morning. Worthy but somewhat disappointed at the level of support I gave due to tiredness, though this could be debated by the people I reached out to. (hopefully)

I'm seeing you open up more and this shows rising confidence in yourself and us. Watching you grow like this is a pleasure, and worthy of comment from one who feels a little maternal toward you. I hope you don't mind me saying that Dot. (Maybe Croix feels similarly?)

I always wanted to have a girl after my son, but opportunity eluded me. You'd be my first choice if it were available. Please don't feel embarrassed or coy, it's me being honest. It also says so much about you even though you find it hard to hear. One day you might just be able to accept words like this and not only cope, but revel in them. Here's to hope!! (clink!)

I'm glad you found respite and pleasure in markets, buskers and buildings. Architecture is a real form of art and creativity lost to some who prefer function over filling the senses. I must admit though, achieving both is ideal.

Just on that note, 'I, Claude Monet' is coming to our cinema later this month. I have my ticket and will be first in line on the day. The big screen will burst into magnificence and I'll be there to witness it. Yay!!

I have hope for you, that worthy friends will come your way soon, just when you least expect it.

Love much...

Sara xo