Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Well hello lovelies!!

I won't be addressing everyone's posts tonight as I've left the best till last and it's 2am...ahh...

Lesson learned...humidity's above average at 27deg and skin is clammy. Actually that's probably an understatement. I don't need a shower, I'm already sitting in a bath of perspiration!

I've loved reading all your entries. I'm missing this; my usual posting spirit isn't quite where it could be. It doesn't mean I'm ill, but not myself. btw I'm not unhappy, just bland from heat and tired eyes.

I might pop in tomorrow morning when I'm fresh.

Nigh-night...

Sara

[1113]

Hi all,

Thanks Dottie.

I'm a bit lost for words atm. But here goes.

Im lost between whats right morally and whats real logistically.......if that makes any seens.

My boy is super intelligent. He can remember if a poster was on a wall in an office 6 yrs ago. Or wether its new....eg. He will go somewhere he hasn't been and say that wasn't here last time. But last time was 6yrs ago. He blows me away with his photographic memory.

I can do that with words....kinda. I can see patterns in emotional writing.

I've got a bit to do today. No time for philosophical worldly banter.

Hope all are well.

Peace

Matt.

[greywolf2]

I think I popped in here a while ago to say I like reading this thread. I don't post much but I'm trying to get better. I'm low today and thought if I post more, it might help.

I like this thread because people jsut talk. Dizzy Sara does some good one's I like reading so does Dottie. They seem ot know each other and I'm kinda envious of this. I don't have anyone to know me that well.

I'm pretty surprised by the amount ofwords I'm writing today, I must be needy and I hate this. i'd rather be grumpy.

Desperate comes to mind,. Anyway I like that your friends. That's all

Grey

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Croix, thanks for the heads up. I'll check out your thread in a bit 😊

Yeah, most students at my uni almost always get the units that they're after each semester. It's more the time slots for the actual lectures and tutes that are a pain ha, ha.

Although if you're referring to my post on your thread, I meant my degree/course and not individual units ha, ha. Sorry, I was kind of lazy with my wording.

Sara, hopefully you're due for a cool change soon. It sounds like it's been stinking hot at your place! Rest up, Sara and I'm hoping a gentle breeze drifts your way tonight.

Matt, great to hear from you. Interesting point you've made. I think that I understand what you're saying theoretically.

Your boy has an impressive memory- he has a gift. It certainly does sound like he inherited it from you. He visually recalls and you see patterns. Father and son team.

Grey, good to see you posting too and that you're enjoying this thread. I like to think there's- cheesy as it may sound- a sense of community on this thread (and on all the other threads).

Hope you don't mind my 2 cents but I just see posting as trying to connect rather than being needy or desperate. So I see your post as trying to connect rather than you being needy.

Anyone else reading, hi!!!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Greywolf2, Sara, Dottie and all~

Greywolf2~I too like this thread (as you can see:) I guess one of the things is that here people are genuine and do care for each other. In fact Sara was largely instrumental in my posting on the Forum.

I've tried to find your other threads, but only had luck in finding a couple. You haven't said that much, though you did mention an untrustworthy man, and being of a suspicious nature - not surprising I guess.

If you've read any of my posts you'll know I was a policeman and that in the outside world my trust level is very low, I learned that early on, dealing with all sorts of people. I remember when I started as a young constable I'd interview someone, and they'd say they did in fact commit whatever offense it was - and I'd be a bit surprised! I'd not been brought up to expect ordinary people to play up so much, unfortunately they do.

Nowadays I find this Forum a welcome exception, my trust levels are higher here - not ridiculously so - but over time I guess you get a feeling for who is genuine.

Bad relationships are just that - toxic. I've been blessed twice, I've had more than my fair share in that area.

Opening up and talking abut yourself can be difficult, daunting, embarrassing, worrying. I can only speak for myself, but telling the truth about myself in this little world has helped me - and I hope helped others too.

My wife & son both say I'm changing, and they're glad.

What I'm on about, Greywolf2, in my roundabout manner, is that if you wanted to say more abut yourself it would be treated with respect, care and understanding. Sara and Dottie are both wonderful people and I've found them to be a great support.

You have my best wishes.

Sara~ You've been a little quiet, are you faring ok? Please don't hesitate to say if you need an ear, or just distraction. Maybe you are busy choosing another avatar:)

Dottie~ Another 3-4 weeks of freedom before semester starts, or are you doing prep work? You haven't mentioned playing you piano recently, have you been practicing anything?

Corny~ If listening, wish you well

My affection

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix, Sara + everyone else,

Croix, I have about 4 weeks till semester 1 starts. Oh gosh no, I don't do prep work. No uni work for me till the semester officially opens 😊

I've been playing- no less or more than usual. It's just that I don't always mention that I'm playing ha, ha.

Speaking of music, a couple of opportunities have opened up. Nothing is confirmed at this stage and I'm not going to go into details for privacy reasons but let's just say it's potentially exciting.

Take care everyone and do your amaze thing!

Sara, I hope it's cooler today and that you're no longer bathing in sweat! Actually, that sounds more like a sauna.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

I'm not going to go into details for privacy reasons

Um, I dunno Dottie, even if you take off your earphones and wear a wig, solo performances at the Sydney Opera House and the Arts Center Melbourne might be a bit of a giveaway.

Croix

[greywolf2]

I'm thankful for your comments guys

I am trying to write more. Dottie what you said about connecting is pretty wise, and simple too. I like that. Criox thanks for the intro. I can only imagine what being in the police would be like. Especially old school stuff.

Suspician you say? I guess you looking me up is a bit of a worry, but considering your background I suppose it makes sense. I'm not comfortable talking about myself too much. That might change, but for now I'm just trying to write mroe.

Grey

[Croix]

Gear Grey~

Thank you for replying. As for being suspicious of me, that's ok. Not everyone has happy memories of the police - often very justified I'm afraid. For what it's worth I never acted in the force without honor and compassion. Perhaps that was one reason I became ill. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable.

I, like Sara, Dottie, and just about everyone else here, would like to turn their illness into something positive and use it to help others where we are able.

As Dottie says, making contact is no sign of being needy. I regard it as a matter between equals, I think we here are all fragile butterflies in one way or another.

I've had to ask for help here when my demons have struck. Sara and Dottie have given me patient support, understanding and encouragement. I owe them greatly, care deeply for them, and would in turn give them any support I could. The same goes for my wife who rescues me and is my light outside the forum.

I hope in time you come to award Sara and Dottie a measure of trust - they are worthy.

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hey everyone;

Croix - I've read some wonderful things on here from you, and I'm not surprised at all. Your caring attitude, advice and wisdom shines thru your words as a welcome normality. Attending to Grey as you have is as expected for the above reasons. Thankyou...

Dottie - It's always a pleasure to come on here and see the music that is you. I do love your sense of humour and revel in your wise counsel. You of course know this, but it doesn't hurt to reiterate my sentiments now and then. You're dear to me...

Matt - Your presence on this thread has become a welcome sight. The proud and attentive parent you are comes thru clearly and I admire this...truly. Personally speaking, when men show this type of commitment towards their children, it opens my heart. I wish my ex husband would've been as dedicated.

Grey - I've been following you around the threads this morning responding to your new found resolve to put yourself 'out there' as an integral part of our community. Well done! It takes courage to do this. You're welcome to contribute on this thread anytime.

To all - I'm still navigating a bout of depressive mood, so my presence won't be as often as I'd like. My mind isn't as receptive or expressive as I'd like, but at least I'm here today. I love you all and are keeping you in my thoughts as a motivation to get thru each day.

Sara