Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[1113]

Peaceful hello all,

My mind is full of patterns. Numerology is only one hobbie of mine. This world is full of patterns. I am a kind soul. Truly.

I see patterns when I close my eyes. Atm when I'm meditating is see words like a computer screen rolling very quickly. I am unable to process them visually but I think the info is subconsciously there. It could be photographic congition. From reading. My son has photographic memory. He doesn't forget anything at all. His IQ is in the 1.1% of the world. There are only 1.1% of the population who can relate to him. We have the most profound discussions. At least I'm aware, i was left in the dark at school because no one understood me. I'm only starting to understand all my cognitive capabilities. I can self assess and counsel myself.

I have always been this way. When I am better, mentally that is (and yes I have periods of no issues at all) it is so very clear. But when I'm ill its like watching static.

I was a very good chef, it takes to much effort now. But the patterns in cooking are massive, I could do it all subconsciously.

I believe everything to be true until its proven not.

I have found trust in this.

Anyone guess my IQ? I dont know I've never been checked.

I have other abilities too. It very common for Gifted peeps to have mental illnesses.

If anyone whats some help with self awareness, come chat with me on my thread. I will only do it philosophically. That way it is only you finding yourself with another philosophic mind, can anyone relate to that?

Talk soon.

Peace

Matt.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (shoutout to anyone else reading),

Music clearly played a big role in helping your mind/being connect with your body. Dancing in front of the TV must have been a liberating, empowering act for you as a child (maybe even now).

Memorable moments when music struck a chord with me when I was younger? So many...

As a child, my favourite parts of children shows and movies wasn't the storyline but always the sing-a-longs or background music. I would often replay the same scene again and again (and again) just to hear the song or piece.

I think the first time that I heard Vivaldi was when I listened to Four Seasons (Summer remains me favourite to this day). I felt very much alive, engaged and moved. My emotional world was (is) mostly either sadness (with spells of indifference) but music made me come to life, you know.

Music has always made me feel heard and understood. I've said this on another thread but often many people- with kindness and good intentions- try to comfort me. But they often accidentally make me feel worse or completely miss the point. I know they mean well but that doesn't change the fact that there was a disconnect. In moments like those- and many other ones- I turn to notes and/lyrics instead. Music is life as far as I'm concerned. Keeps me sane.

Anyways...

You sound peaceful today and your good headspace is continuing, which is fantastic to hear. Wishing you continued tranquility.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie plus all~

I have found that the strength of a fond memory can assist me by sending a shaft of lighter times into the grey of down. I've been told by others this is true for them too.

As a result I've made a new thread:

Staying well/ Store Your Happy Memories Here:

In which anyone can write down a happy memory for their own use plus that of others.

Should you be so moved you'd be most welcome to contribute a crumb of comfort there. I've put instructions at the top - though probably not necessary.

On another matter Vivaldi was mentioned. By a happy coincidence the very first gift I ever gave my present wife was a CD - Vivaldi's Four Seasons by the TSO. I explained to her that Autumn was my current favorite, representing as it did the gathering in of harvests, things sown in earlier times, and the graceful entry into Winter. (We were not exactly spring chickens)

(I'm not sure I mentioned his instruction "the drunkards have fallen asleep" in the second movement:)

My affection

Croix ( Scholarship holder, School of Obnoxious and Shameless Antics)

[Croix]

P.S. I forgot to say Sara - you missed the bunny slippers - they were one of the best bits 🙂

C

[Guest_322]

Greetings scholarship holder (Croix) with a shoutout to Sara and all other readers;

Thanks for creating a virtual fond memories archive here. Rest assured, I have already wandered over there.

Wow, what a coincidence that your first gift to your current wife was Vivaldi's Four Seasons. I realise it was a very special and meaningful gift from you.

Ah, you're referring to the instructions on the manuscript. Amusing about the Autumn instructions ha, ha. "Languor caused by the heat" for Summer, which is just about right when it gets warm enough 😊

Sara, it seems you've gone from one extreme to the other with your 2 most recent avatars ha, ha. I have no idea where you found the current image from but it is pretty funny.

Keep up the amazeness.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Matt (shoutout to Sara, all other thread contributors and readers);

Thanks for sharing some of your worldview and interests. You have a unique way of perceiving the world; the patterns sound intense and interesting.

Like father, like son. He takes after you and you clearly share a bond and understanding.

You're clearly very self aware, multi talented and capable. Moreover, you sound like you're in a much better state of mind than before so that's pretty awesome.

Keep at bein' amaze.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie and all~

Thanks you very much for the memories contribution. Your feelings show through for anyone that reads them - so really great.

BTW what was the preference ?

Affection

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix, Sara + everyone else,

Hmmm....stiff competition between music lessons and travel (ideally both at the same time ha, ha). The uni one definitely comes in last of the 3.

Hope everyone is doing okay!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I've just seen your delightful vignette in Happy Memories. I really appreciate the trouble you went to. It has a kind of universal resonance.

I think you may have been keeping a lower profile for a few days, if so it must be doing some good.

Affectionately

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I've left you another fragment in Croix Parler. Did you get all the units you wanted?

Affectionatley

Croix