Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

*previously

Ugh autocorrect changed it to "preciously"

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie~

Regrets.

I'm afraid I'm starting to descend,

I did a harm, though fright and lack of trust.

Not something I can fix. Words do not repair gossamer.

I cling to the word friend and hope for second chances.

C

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

You're sounding very upset. I'm worried but also very confused. I'm not sure what you're referring to in your post. Maybe you could clarify for us?

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear nighttime Dottie~

Now where did you spring from?

It was something not related to the Forum, I am getting into the habit of calling out when I'm deeply affected. I've learned you and Sara are a balm to the soul.

Thank you

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dearest Croix;

Firstly I want to thank you for the smoking anecdote. It suits my situation perfectly. I gave up smoking in 1995 and abstained for 14 yrs until my mum offered me one during a devastating time. I'm still 'using'. It's on my wish list of cleansing.

Re your perceived 'harm' to a friend; openness and honesty cannot be harmful. It provides opportunities to learn and grow for both parties. A game of tennis could define this if I may. Strategy and skill can only be applied by each player, then waiting to deal with what comes back.

We can't be accountable for both sides. Though if winning is the desired outcome, this places pressure on the encounter itself. If enjoying the two and fro is more relevant, the experience is the important factor. When playing against someone for the first time, it takes practice and patience to bring about 'flow'.

This metaphor may not be perfect for your situation, but it does provide simple advice for 'playing your own game', an often used term to describe trusting oneself instead of focusing on the other. This is of course what we do on these threads; an exercise in patience and dealing with what's written, no more, no less.

Dear Dottie;

Your advice and perception gives much needed feedback. I've learned to trust your sense of equilibrium when I put forward my thoughts on here, giving me balance and food for thought. I like this.

As far as 'talking out of your arse' is concerned; I'd always thought this was a physical impossibility hun. lol But I have seen someone belch out a tune from their gut. Ha ha

A word to the 'wise'...."word" Ah ha ha ha...arhh

Have a great weekend...

Sara the just xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie~

I've nothing special to say except thank you. You both constantly steer me towards the path when I'm lost, and give.

I'm rich.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi there,

Sara, I can assure you that "talking out of my arse" (i.e. not knowing what I'm trying to say but being shameless enough to say it anyway) is an actual, um, skill that I possess ha, ha. It's a rare talent. I hope the weekend has been good to you so far.

Croix, Morning Dottie reporting here.

I'm glad you feel comfortable reaching out. I don't know what happened- and you don't have to go into the details- but you did the best you could at the time. I guess a situation is never 100% perfect so, in turn, any one person's response can never be 100% perfect. You did as best you could, given your state of mind, given what you knew and given the circumstances.

Hugs,

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Sara and Dottie~

Dear Sara~

I put something down to Dottie, I'm not sure which thread - memory a little average - about smoking some time before.

What I was trying to say then is that there are times of great adversity in life where all future recedes to meaninglessness and surviving the now is all that matters, getting though the moment. I think I gave the example of soldiers smoking when about to go over the top - though that was not the only survival mechanism I was on about.

At that time a cigarette can do untold good - I've felt it. Having survived to later meet that deferred price does not always mean it was the wrong thing to do at the time.

When I was told of the spot on my lung I stated to regret having smoked - seems a bit of a 'no brainier' really. Then I thought of those occasions where I was facing frantic fear or the unendurable and understood it might not have been quite that bad a bargain.

Knowing you, having escaped nicotine's clutches once, I suspect you will again.

Are you still in that more serene place you were the other day?

Dear Dottie~

You get to be amazingly right, I'm jealous 🙂 You know me well enough to say:

You did as best you could, given your state of mind, given what you knew and given the circumstances

Yes I did, and I'd lost track of that, overwhelmed by consequences.

I'm listening to the last of the music you mentioned and will no doubt have comments shortly. I also practiced obnoxiousness in your other thread.

Affectionately

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix;

You've put 2 quite relevant and very challenging questions to me this morning. Nicotine addiction along with other habitual behaviours has been as you say, my ship's stabilizers along my path of trauma and mental disturbance. The peace I've spoken of has come, in part, from these habits.

I've just finished responding on my new thread about self trust. Isn't it amazing how we can write the very things we need to hear ourselves? I'm told frequently to stop being so hard on myself. I'm contemplating those comments as I write.

There's probably much I could say, however I'm burdened this morning with many questions; important one's. The most prevalent is whether spending too much effort on healing my mind is becoming just as habitual as smoking. And, if addressing my physical needs the way I'd like to is going to kill me; because that's what it feels like.

The phrase - "I'd rather die than have to face that again" is a regular thought when doing the doing. I'm more than a little perturbed by this, and longing for it to be resolved. Escaping the pain of 'what if's', can be and is, relentless. It is of course running 'from', instead of striving towards that has me going in circles.

Dear Dottie;

From what I've come to know of you, it's no surprise you have the innate ability to shed wisdom from 'behind'. lol After all, the sky's the limit yeah?

I'm sorry I don't have more to say; there's a lack of energy and 'spirit' in me at present. I'm swallowing rocks to stop the tears. I'm really tired of this. Giving up isn't an option, well it is, but not in my realm.

I'll leave things here...

Sara

[Starwolf]

Sorry to butt in dear one...but the fact that you are asking yourself those questions means one thing : you need to give yourself a break.

You have made impressive progress since you joined this community. But flogging yourself along will eventually force you to slow you down. It would be better if you took the initiative instead.

It is true that when progress is made, some kind of frenzy can set in. We can get intoxicated on victories. It is easy to get caught up in the momentum. Perhaps it is our animal side being triggered (feeding frenzy, carnage, panic etc...). Remember your thread about adrenaline addiction ? We can't wait to get where we want to be but if we keep pushing ourselves relentlessly, battle fatigue will set in.

So please Sara, be gentle with yourself. Pausing along the way is a necessary part of every long, difficult journey. You deserve to.

Take good care of yourself and let yourself enjoy what was gained before pushing forward again. The Universe is all about expansion and contraction. No matter how much we humans would like to forget it, we are subjected to its natural laws. It is not about giving up but about renewing energy so that we're able to proceed when time has come.

Temporary retreat is sometimes the wisest, most courageous move...and you are a wise and courageous woman. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you.