Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara, (& shoutout to Croix + all readers),

I will not stay silent so that you can stay comfortable.

- anonymous (I've no idea who said it).

I stumbled upon this online and I thought of you.

Stay amaze as always.

Anyways...gotta get to work soon!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

My instincts tell me you may be feeling more on the outside of things than usual, that there's more space between you and others in the world. That outlooks are grey. I felt that at Christmas & still feel it now, even if things have improved a little for you

So if I'm wrong I guess it's a croix I'll have to bear (sorry about that). These are just my impressions – I have no pipeline to wisdom

You’re right, words do have limits but if that is all one has then one can at least try to wring the best out of them and convey all care, affection, distraction and desire to help shoulder burdens though those thin voices. Hopefully the recipient can see beyond the bald text to the person's heart

I think your self-depreciation does not really matter for now. I hope as time goes on, and your realization starts to gel that the compliments refer to something that is a deeply embedded part of you, depreciation will fade away

You've mentioned Sara and I supporting each other. True - we are part of a mutual support, caring and friendship system. The operative words being part of. You are as much a pillar of support to me as Sara, and if I could presume to talk for Sara you are as much a pillar of support for her too

I hope Corny can get as much, though as she's silent at the moment I suspect she may feel isolation. Her brief sojourns here tend to give, but do not seem to last long enough to receive - perhaps I'm wrong, I hope so

Being CC's makes not a jot of difference to abilities, fragility or weaknesses. It's just a badge and an undertaking to answer posts. I probably need even more help now because I'm straining to answer posts I mightn’t have before & can get upset

You've mentioned surprise at things you say being valued - why on earth not? We are equals. That people would want to know where something was that helped you - of course, for you to be helped by anything is marvelous.

You said something along the lines that it must be work for me to research matters to converse with you - again so what, I like trying to give you a moment's respite, and enjoy your responses about art I'd never before have considered. Actually we are now all talking about art - as a release

Although I’d defer to Sara here, I believe your impromptu jokes - which are part of you - need to well up and pop out. It's part of you, part of communication, part of being comfortable. My joke Sara mentioned had turned into a sort of monster min-thread

All my affection

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (shoutout to Sara + anyone else reading),

Ha, ha I love puns 😊

For what it's worth, I don't think anyone has a pipeline to wisdom. I personally just think "wisdom" is hit and miss and a work in progress. No one gets it "right"- whatever that means anyway- all the time.

You're right to say that I'm feeling distant although I'm not sure if it's more pronounced than usual. It might just be that I've become increasingly aware of the space.

Thanks Croix, I try my best to be there for you guys and I know you all do the same for me. Well, I assume that CCs might have additional responsibilities, etc that members don't have so I meant you and Sara can help each other out in that respect.

True, true, CC or not, we are all ultimately human and subject to the same ups and downs. I agree with you there.

Well, you know how I am, I sometimes have a tendency to think that others aren't "listening" to me. I don't mean anyone in particular but just in a general sense. So I get a little surprised if I learn that people were indeed paying attention.

I'm glad to hear you're enjoying our arts chats as much as me. Yes, the arts are a rich source of respite (and sanity in many cases including mine).

I hope you're holding up okay post trigger. I'm proudly presenting you with a seal of amazeness.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie and all~

I'm proudly presenting you with a seal of amazeness

Most appropriate, you must have known seals & walruses are related

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dearest Dot-Miester and Criss-Croix;

I hope my post finds you both well. I'm having my morning java enjoying a cool breeze we've been graced with after a good night's sleep; without medication of course. How amaze!

Those words are music to my ears; I was 34 when my sleeping patterns deteriorated. Now at 57, not having to dread going to bed each night for fear of tossing and turning for hrs on end, I'm in awe of rising each day, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and smiling.

I recently wrote on a thread about what happiness is. Those moments of peace and clarity away from the madness was part of my response. How spoiled people have become; taking for granted simple pleasures worth remembering for the immense value they bring to our lives.

Instant gratification and stimulating thoughts/activities have replaced quiet and stillness. When I was 14 while visiting with my grandfather, I sat on the edge of a dam watching water birds just after sunrise. That's my first memory of stillness; away from the volatile chaos of my family home.

Why did I keep that memory in my consciousness? I'd asked myself this many times. I understand now as I write realizing that peace affected me so deeply, it was 'worth' remembering.

Although my home is meager and located in a 'not so great' part of town, there are mature trees, sounds of birds, enough yard to enjoy family activities and my name on the mortgage. I once rented a brand new property in a new development estate with no trees, a dreadfully small yard and a clinical generic internal layout. The comparison is a no-brainer.

So with this concept in mind, having friends in cyber space who care as I do, can't be compared. This is my 'happy'. Reading thru your posts each morning as I have today, is an enjoyable experience and worthwhile remembering. Thankyou both...

My affection and gratitude...

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dotty and all~

Sara I was delighted by your post this morning. The ease and tranquillity shone through – better than I can ever remember - I’m immensely happy for you.

In a way it reminds me of Monet’s Water Lilies series from Giverny, painted as a monument to peace at the conclusion of WWI and given by him to France as a lasting monument. Serenity set to canvas, painted many times over reflecting time's changes.

I earnestly trust your tranquillity will last as long too.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (and shoutout to Croix + anyone else reading),

You do sound very calm and peaceful today- like you're in a good place mentally. You're sounding very refreshed from a good night's sleep, sans meds no less.

I'm glad you've found "happy". It's such a personal understanding and definition- happiness- but it's wonderful that you know what it means to you. Nature seems to have played (and continues to play) an integral role in your bliss.

Your home suits you, what with your trees, yard and birds. You have all you need there (or at least to a significant extent anyway).

Thank you. I enjoy your posts too 😊

Take care now and enjoy the amazeness of your home.

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dear Dottie and Croix;

Monet's Water Lilies...thankyou. I see the painting in my mind as I write.

The colour green is healing, so when I first set eyes on this magnificent artwork at 15, it struck me with intensity...my wounded soul resonated

It's raining heavily this morning, cleansing and clearing the dust. Glancing outside, my large statue of Buddha sits peacefully surrounded by rocks, and stares at a flowering pot in honour of His presence. They take pride of place in my back yard; a constant reminder of stillness, meditation, contemplation.

Living alone, this stillness is my companion. I caught myself having a two sided conversation in my mind on rising. I took a breath, reminding myself how this habit can become a fixation of escape. Mindfulness is essential, however I do suffer the effect of isolation at times.

It's then I turn to your words as a comforting addition to my day; no man/woman is an island. I hope you both understand the importance of your presence on my thread. For me, your posts represent companionship, connection and faith in people.

I also hope you grasp how relevant writing has become for me; 'speaking' to others. My voice is heard, not just by you, but by me; reflecting the inner world I'm clearing of debris. As I've purged, the space remaining feels foreign, empty.

The concept of 'now', is part of my transition and as such, brings a temptation to feel abnormal, wrong. As with my madness over 2 yrs ago, being present in each moment is essential to overcome this feeling until it's accepted as my new 'norm'. I totally understand how people break at this point.

I refuse to allow chaos, noise and fear to rule my moments, and instead enjoy my 'happy' with gratitude.

Peace 'is' a state of mind indeed.

Gentle thoughts;

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara & Dottie~
This may not be relevant, however your post reminded me of a time when I smoked. And I did, I chain-smoked constantly. I’d started around 8 having seen an advert for Peter Stuyvesant and thought it grown-up, sophisticated and basically compulsory.

4 packs of Woodbines were available for under 10 pence – well within my budget, and I could always pinch Park Drive from my mother's bag if short.

Well this went on to become a lifestyle. By the time I was in the police smoking was an addiction, a social activity, a useful tool for concentration, putting people at ease and a myriad of other applications. I guess it was self-medication too. I regarded it as very much an integral and necessary part of me.

I wondered if it was possible to survive the hole in my life if I gave up and decided it was impossible – it would not be me.

Then I gave up.

At first, after the physical addition passed – which was not that long – there was indeed a hole, however not as all-pervasive as I’d feared and manageable (anger helped).

Today there’s no hole.

The process of changing a large part of one’s life tends to generate fear of the change and its effects, even if one knows intellectually it’s what should happen.

Sara
You are a strong (I may just have mentioned that before). You will occupy that new space, populate it with all the things that were pre-empted whilst undergoing your journey. You will do much without planning, it will happen. Time and feeling are your allies.

With your pen you are never alone.

Croix, (who does not accept that word 'madnesss' - it is an inappropriate, inaccurate, unkind & unsympathetic)

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

There has been a clear shift in your state of mind- you've told us about this yourself- and it's reflected in your posts here.

There are new spaces in your head but I think that's a good thing in your case. New space for reinvention, different ways of thinking (like your focus on being "present"), etc.

I guess maybe without this space, you can't become whoever that you need to be (or I'm possibly talking out of my arse again). Sure, maybe it feels foreign and a little weird now but I'm sure it's all just part of the process.

If you need to mourn- farewell what preciously occupied the space- that's okay too btw. You're allowed to be sad and you're allowed to be confused as you transition to this new phase. I'm not saying wallow but that it's okay to acknowledge any sadness, have a cry and the like.

I'm glad you have found friendship, comfort and support in us. I agree with Croix that you're resilient. You'll find your feet. You have yourself. You have your words. And you have us too (free bonus ha, ha).

Hi Croix,

I'm glad to hear that you were able to fill the void. I guess filling the hole was a journey rather than an overnight success story.

I mean, holes take time to develop so it makes sense that they will also take time to be filled.

You both do your amaze thing, k?

Dottie xxx