Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

That's a lovely and most helpful post, your support and understanding is a rock I have found I can lean on - thank you. You sound happier now too.

Yes I did worry abut you, that comes with my caring and is a given - I'll be there for you if needed even when not 100% myself.

I'm not really sure why Dottie said it, but she's right, in this microcosm Croix wears his heart on his sleeve which is in fact in direct contrast to his outside life. Bit of a mixed blessing really.

Anyway I got to see Collateral Beauty - just hit the spot, a film I'll add to my collection. I enjoyed all facets of it immensely (and yes Dottie it has a happy ending)

All my affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara, Dottie, Corny~

Well a week has passed and I'm still in one piece - amazing.

Sara~ That was a really excellent post you gave - Warrior? Yes.

Corny~ I guess you are missed just as much now as before, hope you are coping well.

Dottie~ I think 'thin skinned' rather 'than heart on sleeve' - my emotions are all a lot closer to the surface - must the the magic of this place, and the special people in it. Not always comfortable though as you can see from above set of posts.

BTW I thought your quick assignment tips were great - can't be from experience - you'd never be tardy in that area:)

Affectionately

Croix

[Just Sara]

Dear Croix;

I think Dottie's right in saying you wear your heart on your sleeve, but this isn't a bad thing. Emotion makes for quality insight. You tend to avoid those emotions, or expressing them might be more apt, by completely giving of yourself to others.

I know this tactic like the back of my hand. It's been my credo since I can remember and has only changed since my breakdown in 2014. It forced me to be self indulgent; selfish, for use of a better word. The guilt that comes from this in people like ourselves can be very uncomfortable.

You're caring, respectful and generous with your support for 'us', your benefactors, but giving these same qualities to yourself could be more pro active? I may be off the mark, so please let me know if you feel otherwise.

I once commented to you that I saw myself in you and now, finally realize I do have those qualities. This helped me move forward in my recovery...accepting every part of me, especially my greatness, instead of focusing on what others might need from me to feel validated and worthy.

This gave me permission to 'be' my greatness without guilt or fear. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I can write the way I want when I want...for me because I love it, and people deserve to be supported by me too. I'm not keeping myself average anymore because it makes others feel secure. That's my thing...what's yours?

Trying to be kind and gentle;

Sara xoxo

[Croix]

Dear Sara, (& Dot if nosing)~

As usual you are right, though it is slowly changing. My aim is to ask for help more, the couple of times I have asked for it you and Dottie have delivered in spades, it worked and I was - to coin a phrase - 'amaze'. Talk about encouragement.

In another thread (Chuckles1977 I think) I told of my recent experiences whilst waiting to see if I was going to kark it with the big C. That too has made me a trifle less demanding on myself, but at the same time a soupçon more 'centered'. Priorities change when fate emphases the matter with the mental equivalent of a base-ball bat:)

As I've said somewhere else (not yet available) It seems like I'm figuratively hurtling down a mountainside on roller-skates and am trying to read the steering manual as the scenery flashes past.

It's also quite frightening as I'm becoming more dependent, something I'm definitely not used to, and am groping for a balance. I think I'm tough enough to survive the process, I've overcome most challenges, still apprehension does indeed lurk.

I dislike the word selfish - to much ingrained baggage I guess. I do like Dottie's metaphor about the oxygen mask - something I've shamelessly plagiarized a couple of times - sorry Dottie. Again you are right, I find it does not 'seem fitting' in some way - though intellectually I know this 'seeming' is wrong and it is indeed appropriate.

BTW you have never been average - whether you thought you were keeping yourself that way or not, never since I first met you - look back on your posts there. True you manner has changed. I could see the you then and now, worthy, strong and human.

You succeeded in being kind and gentle - which I needed - thank you for that.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara and Croix,

I just wanted to say a quick hi. I'll be catching up on my responses tonight.

Talk soon,

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dear Dottie; (and Croix if you're nosing lol)

It pleases me you've been busy, hopefully sharing quality time with friends and loved one's.

You mentioned how you'd accidentally come across a thread that resonated with your recent down feelings; I hope this has supported some recuperation. I wouldn't mind if you shared this with me, actually it'd be really nice if you could.

I use the term 'Interested Communicator' on my resume; you typify this in spades. Not just interested, but interesting. Intelligence and quality communication are a perfect match, especially when finding a like minded soul to share them with. I've found this in you.

To add to the enjoyment of this union, you exhibit a deep sense of caring and compassion for fellow travelers in life, an outstanding character trait we've all come to love. Not only has this benefited me greatly in my recovery and self realization, but it's given me hope again...faith in people.

I know you get a bit 'thingy' with accepting praise you feel is unwarranted or not understood. So, as with my recent ah-ha moment with letting go of my need to be average, I'm wondering if you're beginning to be more comfortable with accepting you're a natural born complementary addition to the lives of those around you.

The peace I've discovered in setting myself free from how others need to keep me small to feel secure, is life changing. Your journey as an adult is just beginning, so I wish this same freedom for you Dottie; more sooner than later. I understand this probably has to be an experiential one, so no pressure ok. It's what you deserve as the supportive person you've been in our lives.

The 'amaze' you dish out regularly comes from within your own 'amaze' just as I said to Croix; the beauty we see in others is actually a reflection of ourselves, it's recognizing that which brings peace.

Have a lovely day sweetie;

Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I'm obviously very attached to my self deprecating humour and defence mechanisms ha, ha. Those things aside, I probably also speak and act as I do because the opposite reminds me too much of a certain self obsessed family member. Anyway, that's neither here nor there- let's not get into it.

Art clearly has a special meaning to you- you connect strongly with it. Yeah, I agree that words generally don't do justice for one's connection with the arts. It's more of an intense feeling than an easy explanation.

I bet your words have stayed with the drummer for a very long time. It's not everyday that someone walks up to a musician and says that his part is the life force in music. Also I think that drummers are typically undervalued compared to other band members. You helped him- in a way- and he helped you in return. Still...whoa...it must have been quite the night as you sustained injuries.

I'm glad that you're finding your voice. Today I stumbled upon a quote online. It made me think of you and how you're embarking on this new phase of your life:

"Accept no one's definition of your life. Define yourself."

- Robert Frost.

Keep at bein' amaze (whatever that means to you)​.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix (& Sara + all readers),

I'm glad your wife was such brilliant support when you were recently triggered. Without minimising your pain- and I realise that I've said it before- the 2 of you make a beautiful team. I'm glad she's in your corner and that seeing a movie helped take your mind off things for a bit.

I suggested to Sara that you "wear your heart on your sleeve" in response to one of her posts. She (sorry to talk about you in third person, Sara) said that she felt your heart through your writing whereas I was more enigmatic. Hence my "heart on sleeve" comment. Of course it was only a guess and I meant it purely in the context of the BB forums (I've no idea about your offline interactions).

In saying that, you know yourself best. So if you feel that you are "thin skinned" as oppose to someone who wears his heart on his sleeve then I'll go with it.

Thanks, I appreciate it. While I have not yet- anything can happen in the future so never say never- submitted a late uni assignment, I've cut it close a couple of times. When I'm rushing and time is ticking, that's when I use the quick mental maths strategy that I mentioned 😉

Good on you for reaching out for support. But I guess it can be unsettling if you're not used to it. Maybe over time, you'll find your rhythm.

Wow, I'm surprised but glad that my oxygen mask metaphor has come in handy at times. Spread the word 😉 Oxygen masks for all!

You and Sara can support each other as fellow CCs (not to mention all the other CCs). Here's to friendship and amazeness!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (& Croix + all readers),

Thanks, it's been a busy few days what with seeing friends, work and sorting out my uni enrolment for the year.

I'm touched that you asked. Sure, it's a thread called "In the end it will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end" by 1PartHuman1PartAnxiety (aka Joseph).

Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement and praise but I have to admit that I also feel a tad overwhelmed by it. I know how you feel about my jokes- in this context- so I've resisted the urge to include the jokes that instantly came to mind. Sorry, it's my typical reaction- it's not so much anything you've said but more of a defence mechanism on my part.

As for the amazeness, I'm not so sure that I have it. I'm still figuring it- gestures at the world around me- out . Besides, I'm sure your amazeness is innate 😉

So here's to your (innate) amazeness!

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Corny/ Cornucopia/ Jack Cornfield/ Corn cob/ Corn dog/ Cornstarch,

No need to respond. I just wanted to say hi and send you some virtual comfort during this crappy time. What can I say (sighs)? Sometimes life hurts and words have its limits.

Super duper mega virtual hug,

Dottie xxx