Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hey Corny;

I did listen to Tara; she speaks of a place I was quite a few yrs ago...my self help book stage. Her words seem authentic, and have a wonderful presence of the peaceful spirit. The thing for me now, is wanting a more practical and personally workable system of self 'doing', not 'being'. In this I mean, something to grasp for the daily grind of mind, body and spirit...mine, not anyone else.

As with most self-help writers/speakers, their words address many types of people/issues/mindsets, so a sense of generic approach is necessary. In the 90's I attended a huge presentation of multiple (authors) speakers popular at that time. It was a whole day seminar at the Sydney Entertainment Centre. I got to meet up with a couple of them and was star struck.

Looking back, I realise how this deep thinking and self assessing/witnessing, kept me so much in my head, I found it hard to connect with the reality of my life. However, I do admit I needed to dig there to find 'my' truth. Grounding was always a problem for me and this was why.

These days I'm more pragmatic...it has to be this way; I can't go back. I must admit though Corny, I did feel her peaceful heart coming thru her words. That was a nice surprise; it doesn't hurt to visit that place now and then...respite...recovery...recharge (The 3 R's)

I wrote in a post today; 'The thing is, I'm a PTSD veteran..and coping with memories has become easier because I chose to fight each day to get out of bed and face my fears.'

The word 'veteran' just popped into my head, but it's a powerful expression of my plight thru life and recovery; the way of the Peaceful Warrior comes to mind.

I'm grateful Corny, for showing me a path of remembrance...place of the peaceful heart.

Hope lives eternal...

Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

Hey Sara,

I never really got into the self help movement.

I stumbled across her via someone else in the Vipassana meditation movement.

I agree that all of these things just augment other approaches, ways of living, and to be taken as cure alls or panaceas is ridiculous at best.

I was a late teen, impressionable, young, stupid, naive, gullible, and needed something to hang on to. I didn't know what I was in for.

But it was worth it, and it was life changing for me. Still is. I'm not a Buddhist though. There would have been many tribal and primitive cultures long before them doing meditation/trancey stuff under tress 'n' that.

Just because it was ignorance/starry eyed youth that got me there I see it as a catalyst and a portal to something positive, because if I'd been too mature and rational about it I would have discounted it. Head first is just a beginning.

Sounds like brain/mind has been done to death and you are now focusing on BOD_EE_EE_EEEEE

Hosana in the Highest, like a bad-ass would be Catholic girl if they got their way but they did not!!

Woof.

Oink.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Just popping in to say hi. Dottie's itty bitty brain is rather fried from stats and biopsych today so this will be short ha, ha.

Kudos to you for waking up each day and fighting. Resilience and survival right?

Here's to you going from strength to strength (but being vulnerable too is okay sometimes).

Stay amaze!

And hi Corny, Wishful, Qld Mouse and Sparkvark!

Dottie x

[Cornstarch]

Hi Dots,

No more studying.

Tomorrow, once the white supremacists decide if they wear faded orange wigs or not, Sara_Conna will remain here with us, or judging by her machine gun fellatio, she may very well be moving to TEXAS to defend the border or build a wall.

Corn Cakes in California

[Guest_322]

Morning Corn Cakes,

Ha, ha that made me laugh but I probably shouldn't be laughing...the US election worries and kind of scares me.

Enjoy California.

And happy morning to you, Sara 😊 May your hopeful vibes continue!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Darling Dottie...Good morning and salutations!

I'm with you...Hydrolysed Corn Syrup cracked me up...still LOL! Machine Gun Fellatio...ah ha ha ha, he he, ahh.

Just a note on the election..Nostradamus predicted the Anti-Christ will come into power and cause havoc; Mohamed followers would spread like a virus thru Europe and the world would never be the same.

So Corny...Texas ain't gonna happen girl! This Island is perfeck for machine gun totin' granny's to fly under the radar and watch from afar. I haven't seen the results yet...if I don't look, will it go away?

Shit-hot Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

I am terrified right now.

Mortified right now.

Am I Orange?

[Guest_322]

Sara,

Don't check. They're still counting but it's looking orange so far...

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Sara you're needed at the border. ASAP.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Just swinging by to say hi 😊 I hope you're still feeling the hopeful vibes. If not, that's okay too, whatever you feel/don't feel is okay. Keepin' it raw and real...

Off to do some studying now.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx